Difficulty with my teens. Anyone have chizuk or advice?

amother

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 8:43 pm

amother Lightcoral wrote:

You sound like you've worked so hard, and that is truly amazing!

- could your husband speak to your kids? ask them to be respectful - nothing more just basic respect

- just keep giving - without twisting yourself - and let them know that you love them. Little notes. Little treats. Treat them with love like you would treat a baby, keep thinking that they missed years of love they desperately needed and keep giving.

- it's really hard but keep taking the high road, although they are adults you are the mother. Just keep reminding yourself you don't want to interact on their behavior. When you look at them pretend they are toddlers throwing tantrums - don't interact. Ignoring is the most powerful tool of behavior modification. It's really hard to do but you will see it work - when you don't react it will lessen the comments they make.

My husband does speak to them, it really upsets him when they treat me horribly, but it's not terribly effective. They know that I've been discussing with him so they feel it's me talking through him. But they back off a little.

I try to follow my therapist's advice of 'act, don't talk'. She tells me darshaning won't work. I should act, with dignity, without feeling victimised, just go about my life saying to them what needs to be said but nothing more. It gives them space to work things through instead of trying to force them into a real relationship again before they're ready.

giftedmom

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 9:16 pm

Teens don’t see it like
“Pesach was good so what shevuos you were in a bad mood”.
It triggers them. It possibly brings them back to a time when you were more unhealthy, and it turn they turn on their defense mechanisms. It’s a vicious cycle.
I really see both sides here. I was really hurt by my parents and it also really hurts when my kids give me attitude.
Time and patience heals.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 9:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

Omen, thanx so much. I hope your mom goes on a healing journey which in turn will grant you healing.

Thank you! We are good now but it took 30+ years. And I'm totally doing wrong with my daughters. So I understand. Some things are not in our control because we are only human. The only thing we can do is to keep trying.

amother

Rainbow

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 9:46 pm

giftedmom wrote:

As someone who grew up with a difficult, moody, inconsistent mother (and my father wasn't easy either), I had a similar reaction.
And as a parent - my kids expect me to set the tone for YT, and they have a right (that's how I feel as a parent, and as someone who didn't grow up with this) to expect every YT to be pleasant, and for me to make every effort to give them that. I don't expect my kids to cut me slack for my moods. I own them. It's up to me to control myself and my triggers (and I have plenty of them) and make the effort to make a pleasant YT for my family.
I know this may seem harsh OP but that's how I felt as a kid/teen, and this is how I feel as a parent.

amother

Daylily

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 9:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you for all your replies. I'm doing what I can, but I've been feeling very disheartened the last few days. Your replies helped me see that I'm on the right track....and need to get back on it.
Thank you everybody.

If you will work on believing you are loved unconditionally by hashem, you will give off this aura and your children won’t so easily jibe at you.it takes time!

Self respect is the best thing. Wishing you healing. Trauma has a way of making our cup of self worth very leaky and inconsistent and kids pick up on it easily.

A tzadik falls seven times and gets up say chazal. Stay strong. Hugs.

amother

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 4:44 am

amother Daylily wrote:

Thank you. Without the knowledge that H' loves me I don't know where I'd be. It's what keeps me going.
I really appreciate all the responses here, reinforces that I'm doing what I can.. And the rest, it's not up to me.

amother

Daylily

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 9:53 am

amother OP wrote:

Wishing you healing!

amother

Lotus

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 10:27 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

This. If you want to improve your relationship with them, try to make things pleasant and upbeat and cheerful. Try to let go of the triggers or shelf them for when you are alone.
If you are moody and unpleasant, that doesn't give them much hope that you are improving, even if pesach was good.

amother

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 12:09 pm

amother Rainbow wrote:

Thanks, this is such a great post. I know it's up to me to create the mood, and I try so hard, but when I fall it's hard to pick up...I feel it's pointless because even when I do well they don't appreciate it, or at least it seems that way.

And really, I'm stupid for thinking it's pointless because my married kids and younger teens/preteens have a normal relationship with me now, but still...

Guess it just means I'm human... Thanks for taking the time to post.

amother

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 12:11 pm

amother Lotus wrote:

Hmm..I like that. 'Shelf my feelings for when I'm alone'. It's a novel idea, but sounds simple and effective. It's good advice, thank you.

amother

Rainbow

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 12:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you for acknowledging this. I don't think my mother ever would have....

Kids aren't wired to show us appreciation. (someone once told me it's because gratitude to parents is not inherent in human nature, because Adam and Chava didn't have parents.) So just because they don't seem to appreciate it doesn't mean it's pointless. And if your kids are taking you for granted, that's actually showing a little that they are more healthy. It's normal for kids to just trust and rely on their parents.

amother

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 12:27 pm

amother Rainbow wrote:

You mean my kids feel safe enough to give me attitude etc? Makes sense actually.
I have a relative who went through a traumatic divorce, and her kids behaved perfectly to her, like strangers really. They knew they couldn't cause her any more aggravation then she already had...

amother

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 2:10 pm

You know, I think H-Shem loves me. I really need a pick me up at the moment, my reason for opening this thread. My teenage son came home from school and asked what's for supper (I'm in a different time zone then most Imas on here!). I told him shnitzel. He said Yum I was hoping for that. He then asked if I've got rolls to go with it, and veg, like mushrooms and onions... I said 'yes, yes and yes' He said 'Thank you Mom, I was sittting in class thinking that I'd love that for supper!'

No 2: I just went to a school production for my young daughter, and met my sister in law there. We sat together chatting, and she said 'your son Meir is a gem!' We were away for Shabbos, and he ate with them as he had Yeshiva so couldn't come along. She said his middos etc and everything are amazing and she's glad her son will be joining the same Yeshiva if all the boys there are such role models.

H-Shem is so good, He knew just what I needed to hear today. It gave me chizuk to carry on, all the work is not for nothing, just work in progress.

Thank You H-Shem, and please please help me further.

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 2:16 pm

Growing up my mother also had emotional blockages and childhood issues that affected us.
When I was a pre teen she started going for therapy and has really changed.
Now as a young mother I have a very close relationship with her and a deep appreciation for the hard work that she put in to be the mother she is now.
Even though I have a family myself she still very much mothers me now and it has really deepened our relationship.
A mother does not stop being a mother at 18!