How often does your teen goes to sleep blowing...

Chayalle ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:27 am

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

My kids don't help. Last night my older kods and dh were schmoozing on the couch outside the kitchen while I was non stop busy. I used to ask and get upset when no one helped. I realized it's not worth it.

I went to sleep at 2 and woke up at 6:30. I work from 9-2 today. I should have taken a day off today, but I work in a non Jewish company and 2 days off midweek is alot.

So what happens to the next generation? They will also expect their spouses to do it all alone like you do?

It may not be worth getting upset, but calmly making it clear to the family that you aren't making them a beautiful YT solo is definitely worth it.
Rabbi Orlowek says that if your family does not help, you should make a bare-bones YT - what you can manage very simply without working too hard. If they ask where the cheesecake is, you tell them you would have made some if you had everyone's cooperation.

I view myself as the manager at home. The burden to get it done is mine, but I delegate. My teen isn't going to anticipate what I need (though she occasionally surprises me). I spell it out to her. She came home yesterday (from taking a final exam), blew her stack (about the final and the teacher) and then I informed her I needed vegetables and apples peeled. She asked if she can go swimming after that, neighbor/friend with pool invited her, and I said yes, but I will need more help from her today. She agreed. The peeling got done really quickly BH. (incentives help!) (I peeked into her room last night. Lucky her that happened after she left for swimming.....cleanup is being one of her jobs today, so I think I'm gonna ask her to vacuum some rooms while she's at it.) I try to focus on jobs I know she will do, and give those to her.

amother

↑ Hosta ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:29 am

chanatron1000 wrote:

A 17 year old should not be working to pay back the "debt" to her parents for them fulfilling their basic obligations as parents. Teens should help out for other reasons, but kids are "freeloaders" from the moment of conception on.

It’s not paying a dept. It’s contributing to the things you take part in and benefit from. Kids are not freeloaders. Once they are old enough to clean their toys, put their clothing in the hamper, bring their plate to the kitchen etc.. they should. Kids should be taking part in home life from a young age, with age appropriate tasks. Where does this concept come from of thinking kids should just live a selfish life never learning basic skills and middos? This is not a Torah value. Teens should help because they use the stuff and no one should slave away while they freeload.

amother

↑ Hosta ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:31 am

amother Moonstone wrote:

Where did I say t let her get away with not helping? If course she should be helping out at home. I'm talking about OP"s attitude of not apologizing to her daughter for how things went over last night because her daughter was wrong.
Trust me, the teen knows she was wrong, she's not stupid. But the mom should be mature enough to start a conversation about the fight last night instead of stewing and waiting for an apology.

The teen does not know she was wrong! There is no way she does. If she did she wouldn’t have the nerve to ask about computers while knowing her mother has a huge job to do. She’d have said what can I help with. The same way she lacked that self awareness and acted selfish, she is lacking the self awareness to even understand why it’s wrong. It goes hand in hand.

flowerpower ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:36 am

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

One year on motzei Pesach I did everything myself. Every kid somehow vanished. I worked really hard and was about to collapse. Since then I learnt to give everyone a heads up before hand. I told them in advance that on Motzei yom tov everyone picks 1-2 jobs that they will complete before retrieving to their rooms. I reminded them gently a few times. And guess what? Motzei Pesach was my calmest one yet. Giving a heads up in a positive yet firm way really works. Try it. You are not a good parent by being a martyr. I know it sounds easier than the constant begging but in the long run you will resent it. Give jobs. Delegate. Show you mean it.

↑ flowerpower

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:38 am

As for the teen- you are her mother and she’s still the kid. Today go apologize and explain that you lashed out at her because you were overworked and exhausted. Tell her that there is lots to do and you would benefit from her help. In the future- give her 1 job at a time and explain that things get done faster when everyone chips in. Not every kid is aware that they are expected to help. Not every kid takes the initiative. Know your kid and work on her that way.

amother

↑ Moonstone ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:40 am

amother Hosta wrote:

See, contrary to you I choose to believe in my teens. They aren't dumb and self absorbed and every other adjective you choose to use on them. They're teens.
I don't give them a free pass because of it but in a case where the yelling/argument came from both sides, I choose to be the mature adult and stop it instead if stewing and ignoring them till they come with an apology. And according to you, if this teen has no idea she was wrong, it's for sure up to the mom to explain and teach. How else is she supposed to get all the skills she
supposedly lacks?
Kids are taught best by example, not by turning everything into a power struggle and demanding derech eretz. She might apologize now but she'll resent you later.

Supermom#1

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:42 am

amother OP wrote:

op here.. sorry... let me explain
Like REALLY mad and not on speaking terms...
In yiddish its bloozen... english translation is blowing

No, it's not. The correct translation is SULKING. (the reason some yiddish-speaking people are confused about this is because Bloozen has another meaning too. Bloozen also can mean blowing in the literal sense, like blowing up a balloon.
But in the context in which you used the word Bloozen, the correct English translation is sulking, not very mad.

amother

Lightcoral ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:43 am

She’s probably on her period or about to get her period.
I remember when I was a teen I was nuts like that right before I got my period and the first day or two of my period.
My mother was so sweet and she would put chocolate in my room when she saw me like that and she would make sure there were pads under the bathroom sink I would use.
When I got married I quickly had to learn how to anticipate my period and be in control of myself.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:45 am

amother Hosta wrote:

Chinuch is about preparing a child for his/her future. And that future will be lived best by a child who contributes, has good middos, cleans up their own mess, etc...so we raise kids with appropriate tasks that help develop those middos and skills.

It's not about them not freeloading now...because now a child is a child, and a teen is a teen. It's about their role in the future, and how to best prepare them for it.

The Brisker Rav said that the purpose of Chinuch is to train a child with middos that emulate Hashem. Mah Hu Af Atah. Hashem takes care of the whole world, provides sustenance, cleans up with rain, etc...and we teach a child to be that way when he/she grows up - as a contributing member of society.

amother

↑ Lightcoral ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:47 am

watergirl wrote:

OK but what does it MEAN? Angry? Fuming? Sulking?

Ever heard of the saying “he’s about to blow his top”?
It refers to a pot that has so much steam that the top will blow off soon - we adopt that saying for a really angry, worked up person.
Imagine a teen is about to blow their top. Crying, yelling, sulking….
And then they blow their top.
That’s “blowing”.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:48 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

This. I have one teen. I wont bore you with how many times I say "thats what being part of a family is". You do your part.

Yep and sometimes I ask her whether she plans on doing everything herself in the future as a mother, or whether she plans on her family pitching in. (answer: she plans on having maids. and a mansion on the beach. LOL.)

amother

↑ Hosta ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:50 am

amother Moonstone wrote:

There is no magical thing to believe in. You either have self awareness or you don’t. And this teen doesn’t have any therefore she won’t know what she did wrong. And babying kids doesn’t help the situation. The issue is so much bigger than the op yelling. How did they even get into this mode that a 17 year old doesn’t know erev Yom tov is a significant time that requires hard work. She needs to analyze where the whole thing went wrong and fix the entire dynamic. She’s a little old to learn about helping because that’s a basic middah in the Torah, and being aware of people around her. Hopefully she can turn this around and it will be a lesson for everyone. I think a much bigger conversation is needed and focusing on only apologizing is counter productive because op will be yelling again very soon because humans can’t survive this way. She needs a proper plan for the future, she needs a set up where her older kids have jobs for erev Yom tov and everyone knows the schedule and what needs to happen. This didn’t happen in a vacuum.

BaltoMom65

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:54 am

Kids, teens, everyone in the household should help out. It creates self confidence, self sufficience and a sense of family bonds. I swear that people forget that children grow up! We're raising adults. Do you like adults that have zero sense of gratitude, obligation or responsibility? Sorry. This is so far removed from the original post