How much have your hashkafos changed since you were in sem?

amother

Charcoal

Sat, May 18 2024, 11:42 pm

Seminary made kollel life seem ideal. But without financial support that bubble ended really quickly when baby 1 and then baby 2 showed up when we were married barely 2 years. So dh went to work. Still learns every day. And yes I'm so glad he did. I cut back a lot on my work hours so I can be flexible for the kids, we can afford some extras we couldn't before and we don't havta worry about rent and other basics if there's a slow month at my business.
Also, tznius has changed for me. I'm married and dh has specific likes and dislikes in styles. And yes I do go along with most of what he wants unless it really doesn't sit well with me. We discuss it and I try to get what he likes but sometimes it's beyond my comfort level and he understands that too(thank you hashem that I married a mentch!) Some things I wear wouldn't make my sem teachers happy but that's not my life goal right now.

amother

Burntblack ↓

Sat, May 18 2024, 11:42 pm

My hashkafos today are not what they were when I was in seminary but with one or two exceptions I wish they still were. Or perhaps you can say they mostly still are because whatever I am today(thirty years later) and for whatever reason, I still think that if all other things are equal then those who live in accordance with the ideals pushed by seminaries are better than those who don't.

amother

Amaryllis

Sun, May 19 2024, 12:13 am

My hashkafos are the same but I'm not living my ideal life right now if that makes sense. Like in seminary I thought for sure I would make time to daven every day and now at least I have time to bentch...

amother

Mocha

Sun, May 19 2024, 1:53 am

amother Papaya wrote:

I feel really good about my hashkafa now, B”H. Careful with a lot of things. One thing I have noticed is that I became much more practical . There is so much going on. Like I used to worry whether deodorant was kosher for Pesach. I still worry a bit about that kind of thing but now it’s eclipsed by the fact that I am cooking a ton, and planning menus, and would an alcoholic on a ship really want to drink my spray deodorant? So it became less pressing. Same with the idea of men “learning forever” … when I hear it I just feel kind of bad for the wives because it’s not so practical and they might resent it at my age (late 40s). So my Judaism has become wholesome, family friendly, and very practical.

I’m glad you feel good about your hashkafa now, but don’t bother feeling bad for wives of long-term learners unless you know their wives are unhappy with it. DH in kollel almost 40 years, and I couldn’t be happier that (with Hashem’s help) we’ve been able to pull it off. It was never certain, and if he had needed to go out to work, he absolutely would have, but at this point, my earning power greatly eclipses his, and I don’t envision that he will ever need to go to work. I give thanks to Hashem and feel very fortunate.

amother

Antiquewhite

Sun, May 19 2024, 2:11 am

I went to a seminary that left a lot of girls brainwashed, but I didn't buy into it. I don't think my hashkafos changed too much over that year.
Now 25 years later, I think I have similar ideals but marriage and children don't exactly follow the path that you imagined for yourself. I have definitely had to adapt to life circumstances and each of my kid's personalities

shabbatiscoming ↓

Sun, May 19 2024, 4:24 am

amother Acacia wrote:

Am I the only one who's seminary didn't try to change my hashkafos or brainwash me? Seminary did strengthen my love for EY and I did move there after I got married for a few years.

Yup, my sem as well. There was no brainwashing at all. Only love for Eretz Yisrael. I also made aliyah from that love. It was a feeling.
These places that brainwash make me very sad. They dont want any young ladies to think for thrmselves. 😥😠

↑ shabbatiscoming

Sun, May 19 2024, 4:28 am

amother Burntblack wrote:

But why? Why does anyone have to live ideals that were pushed on them? Why cant everyone live individual lives of ehat they believe is important, themselves, not whats pushed on thrm?

chestnut

Sun, May 19 2024, 4:30 am

amother Mocha wrote:

40 years in kollel? Not a typo?

amother

Azalea

Sun, May 19 2024, 6:43 am

I went to a BY seminary in a last attempt to kind of understand why I should live the kollel lifestyle.
I left unconvinced but was very scared to miss out on what my teachers seemed to think the best shot at happiness was.
I ended up dating boys that were not going to be long term learners. (My DH was actually the most serious learner of them all but had a very strong sense of responsibilty)
I ended up supporting him through a few years of kollel and rabbinical training. Today he works full time and uses his potential fully and I am very very proud of him.
I am so so happy I followed my hesitant voice of intuition.
Kollel lifestyle is not something I believe in at all today.
There is so much that is wrong and unbalanced about it.
For a few select individuals? perhaps. But the way it is sold to the masses? not.
So no my hashkafa did not change but my confidence in my opinions has .

bruriyah ↓

Sun, May 19 2024, 12:22 pm

Completely different.

Went to a very frum BY-type seminary. Came out super-shtark.

It all started to unravel when I saw that the promises of this amazing life they were selling were not coming true. And the more I started to read and learn about Judaism (from original sources), the more it unraveled.

I'm modern orthodox today.

↑ bruriyah ↓

Sun, May 19 2024, 12:24 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

But why? Why does anyone have to live ideals that were pushed on them? Why cant everyone live individual lives of ehat they believe is important, themselves, not whats pushed on thrm?

Charedi seminaries tend to aggressively push a specific set of hashkafos and lifestyle that comes along with it. They reluctantly give you option B and C, but then many young women feel like a loser who couldn't live up to option A.

amother

Lily

Sun, May 19 2024, 1:32 pm

bruriyah wrote:

I'm kind of the same, but I guess more rwmo than truly mo. Just curious how shidduchim ended up working for you. Were you married after or before you changed? Shidduchim were tricky for me, because most of the suggestions were more yeshivish type of guys because that's what people just assumed I wanted, and the few MO guys I did meet always came with a cultural gap (on both of our ends). It took a long time to find someone, because I was sort of in no man's land iykwim.

amother

Babyblue

Sun, May 19 2024, 1:47 pm

I chose other. My hashkafos haven't changed, but the way I integrate them into my life looks different than it did in seminary and immediately post seminary. Once I started building a family, I had to take what I learned and knew that I valued and figure out how to make my new life reflect those values.

Chabad, went to a well known Chabad seminary

amother

Catmint

Sun, May 19 2024, 2:00 pm

My hashkafos haven’t changed.

I went to a “brainwashing” type of seminary, but didn’t buy into it. I already knew I wanted the kollel life, but not at all because of how seminary presented it. I was already yeshivish, and ironically already wanted a very similar lifestyle to the one they were trying to “push”, but I fought against the ideas that were just not emesdik. The false glorification of kollel life and subtle bashing of men who work, the judgment of other lifestyles, the anti-Zionism among others. What I learned from seminary is to trust myself and not people in authority just because they’re in authority.

↑ bruriyah

Sun, May 19 2024, 2:07 pm

amother Burntblack wrote:

Why do you think this? Genuinely curious.

In my own personal experience, I do not see that those living according to those seminary ideals are happier, emotionally/mentally/physically better off, or more fulfilled.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, May 19 2024, 2:09 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

I really appreciate your writing this! Makes a lot of sense.

amother

Daylily

Sun, May 19 2024, 2:13 pm

I came to seminary being ok with the way I grew up and not looking to change. I think I did get a bit more spiritual and idealistic in sem but not very drastically and that fell away pretty quickly once I got to ‘real life’, with college, working, and dating.
Today I’m pretty much living the lifestyle and hashkafos I grew up with.

amother

Natural

Sun, May 19 2024, 8:02 pm

I was very idealistic in seminary. I came out full of fire to build a certain type of life.

Then the shidduch system hit me full force. I struggled and had a very very hard and demoralizing time through circumstances that were not under my control. slowly, my fire and passion eroded and I became cynical and questioned many things. I admire girls who are just as able to sustain that passion while being slapped in the faced by the harsh reality of the shidduch system in some cases, but I was not. yes, obviously I must not have been strong enough to begin with, but I will freely admit that my outlook in life absolutely changed. the way I thought I would be during seminary changed as I had to find other ways to keep my sanity going, rather than waiting and watiing and being humiliated over and over again.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, May 19 2024, 8:04 pm

amother Natural wrote:

Very much relate Hug