Husband hitting | Imamother

↑ CPenzias ↓

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:04 pm

My father used to beat my brothers for stupid things. Like if they weren't getting up for shul quickly enough. It was always the boys he lashed out at. The girls didn't matter, we were *just* girls. All 5 of my brothers went through their trauma and growing up and going otd for awhile. One brother is still otd. He'll probably remain that way since he's almost 29. At this point I want him to be happy but he has also distanced himself from us and doesn't reach out. My mom was afraid of my father and didn't stick up for my siblings. It was a volatile way to grow up. I wish you a lot of hatzlacha op. You sound like you're not going to allow this to go on so kudos to you for that. I don't know how I'd handle life feeling afraid of my partner and watching my kids get hurt. It sounds terribly frightening and painful.
I want to give you a bracha that you find the right therapist who can help you and your family. Iyh when she/he (the therapist) sees the severity of your situation they will give you resources. ❤️ 🫂

↑ CPenzias ↓

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:17 pm

amother Bergamot wrote:

OP, would he do this around other people?
If not, I wonder if you can invite some family over for a few days so you can have some safe time to think about how to go forward.

Ooh this is a really good point. My father also behaved differently when others were around.

amother

↑ Mint ↓

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:21 pm

Hugs OP!

Wise Ima’s -
Can anyone make a step by step list for OP?

I feel like she got a lot of support and encouragement but not a ton of practical plans. (Some yes, but not a ton).

Maybe ppl could suggest a Rav who deals with abuse? A good therapist that they think would be able to help op?

OP I hope this gets better soon!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:27 pm

amother Mint wrote:

THank you!

Yes, I appreciate that you see that.
I feel like I am so grateful to be validated.
On the other hand I feel overwhelmed with the need to do SOMETHING and I;m not yet sure what .
One thing I know for sure, is that instead of being an "eishes chayil" when my husband is being abusive, is that I will PROTECT my children.
In the past when I did this my husband yelled at me and I was scared that that would frighten my children. I am guessing that is better than the alternative.

I feel sad and disappointed in myself for letting it happen this long.
I hope my son will not remember these times.

It's 2 days later and I one cheek still has the redness of the potch....

amother

↑ Mintgreen ↓

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:27 pm

Cheiny wrote:

This shouldn’t be a chiddush, it’s common sense. A parent must do anything and everything necessary to protect their children from abuse.

it shouldn't be a chiddush, but you'd be surprised. As I posted, I have a relative (thru 2nd marriage) whose first husband abused her children. She thinks she did the right thing by being a good wife to him because a wife has to be on the same page as her husband. Now her kids have cut her off.

I've met too many people who think they are doing the right thing in this regard. Also, I don't know if I made this clear, but my therapist told me that davka with abuse, you make it clear it's not okay IN FRONT OF THE KIDS (not, let him hit them or hurt them and then later on address it) so they know you're on their side trying to protect them, and validate that it's not okay.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:29 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

Thank you for that advice.
Question- will it make them feel unsafe that I don't trust their father?

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

Tell yourself that there is a whole group of amothers behind you, and don't be afraid if he yells....if you stay calm and strong and empowered, it will be less frightening for your children. Practice in front of the mirror, staying calm in the face of his anger, calmly suggesting that he go somewhere to take space to calm down, standing protectively before your kids and not allowing them to get hurt. We are all with you on this.

amother

↑ Ultramarine

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

Take a picture of his cheek if you haven't already.

Your kids will admire and appreciate you for standing up for them. One of my parents was abusive and the other never stood up for us...we were equally upset that the other parent did nothing to help us.

↑ CPenzias ↓

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes I did. I have them in case I ever need backing

Did you save them somewhere safe? Like in an email he doesn't know about. I don't want him to find it and lash out but you need that picture ❤️ if he ch"v does it again, take another set of pictures.

huff ↓

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:49 pm

OP I would also like to explain to you what it feels like to be one of your children. I was hit a lot not even on the face or leaving a mark bit still was definitely abuse. The amount of suffering I experience till today with my mental health is beyond belief. I honestly wish I'd never been born rather than experience what I have and live to tell the tale. Most days I wish I would just not wake up the next morning. And most of my siblings are in the same boat or worse. Having a father like this also destroys your relationship with Hashem as its based on that fatherly relationship. And I will never ever forgive my mother for not protecting me. By not leaving him and allowing this you are effectively murdering your children.

amother

↑ Celeste

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:54 pm

huff wrote:

Hugs. At times I feel the same. I hope you are getting help for yourself.

amother

Brown

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

It's 2 days later and I one cheek still has the redness of the potch....

That's a real injury. Hits with a strength like that can possibly cause nerve damage, eye damage, hearing loss or brain damage, depending which place gets hit.
Save your children, and yourself as well. I was in my first marriage married to a physically abusive man who would hit me, slam my head into walls and strangle me. It didn't get better. We tried sort of therapy, he just used it as a forum to present how good and responsible he was and how mentally deranged I was! He was always charming and brilliant towards others. But behind closed doors he was a monster. Oh yes, he promised to never do it again. It lasted always until the next time. I still thank Hashem that I never had children with him.
The only thing that helped was LEAVING him. It was difficult, I was terribly afraid of his revenge, I had nowhere to go and was hiding out at some friend's house for weeks. It was a nasty divorce and I had to endure some revenge of his. Don't want to go into details.
But now, years later, I'm free, I'm safe and I'm far away from him. And I'm remarried. But even without that, just living without constant fear again was worth it.
In my experience, habitual beaters don't stop and change. It always happens another time. Some things can't be fixed, just left.

Wishing you much strength for your children and yourself. Be safe. But do work on getting your children and yourself out of that vicious circle of violence.

amother

↑ Violet

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

Try skipping mikvah until he changes somewhat.

amother

↑ Cyclamen ↓

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 3:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you for that advice.
Question- will it make them feel unsafe that I don't trust their father?

They will feel safe if you are protecting them. They feel very unsafe now getting hurt and noone is standing up for them. So sad.

amother

↑ Cyclamen ↓

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 3:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'll try
1. Call an anonymous helpline for advice. Shalom Task Force. Perhaps there are others. Talk to them. Ask them what you can do to protect them and protect yourself. Ask them how to discuss it with your husband.
2. Make an appointment with a therapist. I don't know what community you belong to and I don't want to guess but I highly suggest that it isn't anyone in your community as they seem to excuse your husband's abusive behavior.
3. Do you have ANY family that will support you? Parents? Talk to them and see if they will help you emotionally or financially if need be.
4. Once you have been advised - speak to your husband. I'm assuming that you will be advised to give him an ultimatum.
5. If you have no choice you may need to request on Order of Protection. I'm sure Shalom Task Force and your therapist will be able to advise you in this regard.