Is my daughter a kleptomaniac?

amother

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 11:43 pm

My 11 year old is often taking things from my room, makeup jewelry etc… and we remind her all the time about taking things that don’t belong to her but I remember doing the same thing to my sister.

She’s taken small things from stores on a handful of occasions over the last few years but I brought it back to spare her the embarrassment but we punished her strongly.

This Shabbos, I found a large amount of cash hidden in her jewelry box, and when I questioned it she lied at first but finally admitted that she took from her friend who left it out. I am devastated. That poor friend must have been so upset. She said she doesn’t know why she did it, but this is by far the worst thing she’s ever done, and now I’m afraid of what it can lead to. What it means for her psychologically but also if it gets out, that she’ll have no friends and no one will trust her.

I’m going to bring it back to the mother in confidence, who is a kind and amazing woman who will handle this well I’m sure, but I just don’t know what is going on and what to do about this.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 11:17 am

I also don't know much about this from a psychological perspective, but I've had more than 1 student struggling with this. I teach 4th graders.
You definitely need to have her see a good therapist.
As mentioned above, the classmates start getting angry, impatient, and start hating her.
As frum Jews, stealing is considered really bad (more than other aveiros). As the teacher, I've had to try so hard to stand up for the "stealer" since everyone else is boiling mad at her, and the girl is so clearly doing this out of a terrible habit and not maliciously.

To be honest, I'm actually more concerned that her stealing behaviors will lead to lying. Lying is a much harder habit to break once it starts. And, losing the trust of the people around you is a lot harder to get back. It seems like she's not there yet, because she did admit to you where she got it from, and she didn't make up a story to get out of it; just didn't want to admit it at first.

True story: My student Bracha complained to me that her markers are gone, looked everywhere, etc. Very mature, trustworthy girl. A few days later, Bracha told me she saw Hindy using her lost markers. When she asked Hindy about it, Hindy said that her mother bought them for her and they're her favorite markers, etc. Bracha said, but I see my name written on the marker package. Hindy responded, yeah I just like writing your name sometimes, just for fun. Bracha was flabbergasted and told me about it in tears, but also kind of laughing about how ridiculous it was. I checked myself in Hindy's locker to confirm that it said 'Bracha' in Bracha's handwriting. At the end of the day, I told Hindy very matter-of-factly that Bracha's markers are in your locker, and you need to return them to her right now. At first, she tried the same story, my mother bought them and I like writing Bracha's name.... I told her she has to stop embarrassing herself before she makes things worse. Just return the markers and do what you have to do. She did just that, but her stealing and lying continued for some time. She started working on this issue with her therapist, and I had a system where she had to tell me at the end of every day that she did not touch or take anything from anyone. She knew I would hear otherwise if that was the case, so she needed to be honest. It was a journey, but eventually, she really came out on top.

If she was just stealing, that's one thing. Lying is a much bigger problem. Don't let it come to that. Please!

mummiedearest

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 11:27 am

I don’t know about kleptomania, but perhaps you should consider having her return things and apologize. You’re clearly trying to prevent embarrassment on her part, but shame is a useful educational tool. If she has a problem, you are likely enabling it. If she has to go to the store/her friend herself to admit she stole and make amends, she’s more likely to think before acting than if you do it quietly for her. She may just be impulsive, as many kids are. Natural consequences can help them learn to control themselves. I’m not going to say that therapy would be useless, but I do think a change in approach may help.

amother

Clematis

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 12:03 pm

When I was in elementary school a classmate would steal stuff from my bag everyday. After a bit of detective work, I realised who it was and called her out on it. She denied it but I think my mom may have called hers and it stopped. Years later when we had all grown up, somehow it came up again and once again she denied it. Only many years after that, she once approached me and admitted that it had been her together with an explanation that described certain difficulties she had been experiencing at the time and what had compelled her to do it.
My point is, your daughter may or may not grow out of it, but there is a reason she is doing it and that is worth exploring and resolving.