My daughter’s wig is so long

amother

Pansy

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 2:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m taking a quick break from cooking and came here to read through the latest posts. I just want to say to everyone who feels hurt or judged by their mothers that I’m so sorry that my post hurt you. That wasn’t my intention. My dd is frying shnitzel in my kitchen and we’ve been shmoozing about all sorts of things and having a nice time. I was able to not feel internally bothered by the wig issue today because I had gotten my feelings out here. That was my only intention in posting and I apologize for hurting you.

Please don't feel like you need to defend yourself. You did nothing wrong. The posters yelling at you have their own issues and the responses here are reflective of the shift going on here for years now, people are just hurting and hurt others.

amother

Dimgray

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 2:42 pm

Covering hair is a very hard mitsvah. It’s a very personal mitsvah, and there are many opinions on it. The basic Halacha is that it’s covered. Some say the head. Some say the majority. Some say the entirety. Some are more lenient and say only in shul etc.

When it comes to what looks “segzy” and what is “appropriate” is often a matter of gray area, chumra, and personal preference, as well as community preference. The bottom line is that she’s covering. It’s hard to cover, hard stop, no matter how used to it you are. It’s convenient in ways, it’s also expensive as heck and no matter what it’s not your hair. I’m an older kallah, I’m in my 30s and married a little under a year. I’m from a family that is less frum than I am today. No one wears hair coverings maybe a doily in shul and they are like self hating Conservadox-confusedadox if that’s a word. I knew in my heart in my “semi BT” journey that covering my hair and not just my head, and not just at shul, is something I feel is right. My husband understands my background and left it up to me, and he’s happy I cover. That being said, he doesn’t love tichels and he loves my beautiful Shaitels. Maybe her husband loves it, too.

I read every comment on here. It sounds like you’re taking this issue very personally, making it more about you than about her, and it may affect your relationship with her more than you realize. Is she even from the same community as a married woman? Forget how she was raised, because it sounds like she’s still a frum Jew, so you did a lot right there. It sounds like her worst sin about this all is not fitting in your community norm and personal preference, not clearly violating Halacha. It doesn’t mean she is superficial or off the derech. It doesn’t mean she is insecure. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love hashem. There’s no sin against feeling beautiful, especially within the confines of tznius. You can’t tell me a tznius woman with a long wig looks like the shmutzy, booty shorts showing their tuchas skin and cleavage out wearing, hair up to their thighs women out there. It’s a gross exaggeration. And if she is beautiful, so what? It’s a gift from hashem and no one was wrong for complimenting her on it. Maybe you’re projecting your insecurity on to her.

Signed as someone who doesn’t like wearing super long Shaitels to my tuchas but sees no problem with wearing them to my upper to middle back. Also, I live in a yeshivish in town community and many women wear long wigs, not just the super young ones either. These same women look extremely frum and ehrlich. Personally, I got my band fall and wig cut and it’s not short, but past a certain length just doesn’t feel elegant.

When hair is too long, it doesn’t look elegant IMO. But I would not equate it with, not caring about Judaism, violating Halacha, wanting everyone to desire her, or not being raised properly.

amother

Lightcyan

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 3:05 pm

amother Ecru wrote:

When our kids grow up it demands of us a whole new level of personal development.

I have an adult daughter that’s not completely frum and I went through this process in a more pronounced way.

I combed over the parts of her childhood that I didn’t show up enough for her. I felt deep regret and grief. I blamed myself and felt awful that things happened the way they did.

Then at a certain point I came to the realization that this was all meant to be. Like others have said, Hashem gave me just the right blind spots to create the recipe for my child’s destiny. I realized that even though her trajectory was turning into something very different than what I imagined - for my daughter - this is her journey and she’s meant to create some sort of light from this path.

I began to drop the judgement and shift towards acceptance. I realized most of my resistance to her was my ego

My ego wants her to be like me. To love Hashem the way I do. To stay within my comfort zone. To make me look good and feel good.

And Hashem chose differently. Through her journey he demanded so much inner growth from me.

What does it mean to love Hashem if I also make my daughter feel bad? A child can read our thoughts because it leaks out in the energy we carry.

Loving Hashem deeply means loving our kids deeply even if they don’t do things the way we see it should be. It’s seeing the good in them and never stopping to believe in the goodness.

But in order to get there we need to air out the petty side of ourselves. The part that is egoistic and devastated and wanted things our way.

Thank you for taking the time to post this. I'm in a similar dilemma as OP and find this very helpful. I will reread this post a few times to really internalize it. I believe as we age, at one point we all need to have this perspective. It certainly makes the nagging guilt go away.

amother

Lightcyan

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 3:15 pm

shachachti wrote:

Its interesting because when we first have these children we (mistakenly) assume that once the children grow up or once we marry off a child we won't have to do so much inner work.

In reality, having a grown up child step out of line, or having a married child or couple develop their own derech, can trigger us more than the biggest teenage tantrum.

If we think we're done with personal development once the children are grown we learn that it has just started.

If we think that we know the drills and we are done soul searching because we have done this thing for so many years, it hits us that we have to continue doing it all again.

OP I get you. It is hard to swallow when a child steps out of line socially.

It seems like you have many assumptions that had you done xyz things would have turned out differently.

I would challenge that.
OP what if you would've done xyz and things would still turn out the same?

It is excruciating to realize just how little control we have.
It is painful to realize that our parenting doesn't have that much impact in the end.

It is hard to let go and let God.

Our avodah as mothers of grown children is to learn that we don't have control over our child's destiny and that we never had.
Ouch. Yeah...

This is also so validating and a great post for us mothers who are dealing with similar to OP.