Older single women having babies on their own, WDYT?

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:30 pm

amother wrote:

I am saying that regardless of if what she did was okayed by a rov or not, the yentas will always gossip about her and the child may always be viewed as inferior. Wrong, but that's the way I see things go down too often in frum communities. And while I could handle people whispering about me, I'd hate to see my child subjected.

Not in her community. People have been very happy for her and have been welcoming her and her new child into the community. No judging at all. Just love and accepting.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:36 pm

Shadchanim specializing in bringing together two slightly older people (still child-bearing age) who want kids but who are not fairy-tale material.

Not a bad idea.

Perhaps there is a humility present in such a situation that is good. Both have been waiting for That Special Validating Wowie Feeling, and now they realize it's not going to happen. So they get realistic and ask the shadchan if anybody is around who is decent, normal, non-crazy, who doesn't think One Is A Good Number.

Interesting.

A specialty.

And the stories: I expected drek and I got a dude who wasn't so half bad after all! He was pudgy, but when he met me he got a higher excitement level in life and a few pounds just fell off from running around looking at furniture and apartments! He's not so bad now! I kind of appreciate his tragic wisdom. These pollyannas who don't know what anguish is make me sick. I like when he gets all freaked out that somebody actually cooked dinner and he didn't have to do anything except eat it. He is amazed. He tears up.

Him: I am going to be a father. She is waddling around. I absolutely can't believe it. I didn't think I liked fat women. I keep hugging her from behind and listening and singing to it, him, her, whatever.

I absolutely can't wait. I am a mess. My male friends are in stitches laughing at me. They have driven me to drink. I tell her I am drinking for two because she isn't allowed any.

Life is much duller and much nicer than what I thought. I don't go out as much any more. I just sit and look at her.

We are both worried, but we are used to so much worse, and we expect so little, that we might actually bring this off.

I catch her looking at me the same way.

I need a drink. This is amazing. Do you think I can do this? What if I mess up?

She doesn't even yell or anything. She has a big nose but I don't see it any more. I may buy her earrings.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:41 pm; edited 1 time in total

ectomorph

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:39 pm

pause wrote:

1) Some people just haven't found their perfect life partner. That doesn't mean that they can't find someone with whom they have enough in common to build a family. And two normal people who want to marry just because they want a family is actually a very strong commonality, something that will actually keep them together.

2) Apparently such a woman's need for children overrides her need for marriage. So why should this make her feel bad if it's a mutual agreement?

3) I don't judge. You asked me my opinion. I stated it.

4) What kind of proof are you looking for? I am stating what I have read in various places on various topics over the course of a number of years.

Well said.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:42 pm

ectomorph wrote:

Who cares about the yentas?

Where in the Torah does it say everyone has a right to have children?

Children are a gift from Hashem, and they come with a father. Whether we like it or not. This is how we stay free from mamzerus. This is how we follow the way of Hashem.

I am pretty sure that she asked a rav about this. I will try to find out though.
And why does everything we do have to come from the torah? About having the right to have children, to your way of thinking, nobody who has IF and need ART should not do it because who says everyone has the right to have children???
And who are we to say, in this day and age when having children can happen in so many ways, that it has to come with a father? Seriously? That is not in the torah. And we stay away from mamzerut by not using jewish sperm.

sequoia

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:43 pm

ectomorph wrote:

Guess you know best. Whatev.

My friend had a rav advising her through the entire process. He said a non-Jewish sperm donor to avoid mamzerus. If it were altogether assur he would have said so.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:44 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Dolly, I am going to assume that most women who will do this, like my acquaintance, does not travel in the shaddchanim crowd. She met men on her own or through friends. So while your idea is an interesting one, its not going to happen, not for the crowd I am talking about.

pause

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:45 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Because we are yidden.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:45 pm

I liked my father. Why shouldn't somebody else have what I had?

You need a father.

You need eyes too, but some are blind.

So, they get it done, using other senses, and their brains.

But, that does not mean you don't need eyes, in general.

A woman who wants a kid with sperm donor, alone by herself, might as well marry some shy overweight kind man with thick glasses who can watch the kid when she's in the shower. It's just easier and more fun that way.

Shadchanim, work it. The internet is there. You can check out a man's credit rating, history, blog postings, everything. It ought to be possible to make Channah Marriages.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:46 pm; edited 1 time in total

ectomorph

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:47 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Don't compare IF to this. Parents who want to fulfill the mitzva of pru ur'vu are incomparable to a single women who sees men as disposable. This is not what IVF was created for.

Yes it is in the Torah. Hashem says to the FATHER to have children.

And you think the intermarrying with non-Jewish sperm isn't a problem??? A spiritual problem for children?

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:49 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Wow, sick, just sick. So you are saying that a woman who wants children should just couple up with a guy who wants a child, get married for that, have s@x and hope they have a child. And what if there are issues there? But sure, let her be with a man like that. Settling is so much fun. Rolling Eyes

amother

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:56 pm

I certainly feel for people in this situation. There is nothing wrong with wanting a child. But we can't always get what we want. Just because society has decided that any and every family structure is ok, doesn't make it so. The Jewish way is one woman, one man, married to each other. I don't think it's fair to the child to purposely bring them into a single parent situation. Most single parents didn't choose to be there and it's incredibly difficult for the child. It's just that nobody is at fault there, and here, you have someone deliberately setting up a less-than-ideal situation. Also, I work with teenagers. Over the last few years, I've dealt with a bunch who were born to single mothers who used a sperm donor. With one exception, the results ain't pretty.