Daughter in Twenties is ANGRY at me

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amother

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 8:38 am

She's on a diet (she's about 10-15 pounds more than what she'd like to be) and Im happy that she's admitting that her willpower is very weak, so:

*I've stopped baking cakes, cookies, and kugels etc.
*If we buy any high calorie foods (like chips or ice cream) we hide it in the basement or Master bedroom (we're pretty thin).

To try and help her with her dieting (Weight Watchers says family has to be in this with the dieter).

So, this morning, after (I made an exception and pre Tisha B' Av, I baked muffins and) I left muffins on the kitchen table, she yelled at me because she was tempted and ate a few. I yelled back and said she ought to be happy and appreciate all the times that I do everything in my power to help, this was pre-Tisha B'Av. She yelled back that I'm a baby for notrealizingthat itwasmy fault....

I'm glad that she's being careful about her weight, but angry that she yelled at me despite all our efforts for her.

WWYD?

Liba

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 8:41 am

If this is a regular occurrence, counseling. She needs to realize that she is responsible for herself now, before she gets married IY"H and has children to be responsible for as well.

amother

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 8:45 am

OP here. I forgot to add that she yelled that it's hyppocritical of me to have been careful not to wear leather shoes on Tisha B'Av, and done this much damage to her, selfishly. As may times as I said I made a mistake, she repeated it.

amother

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 8:50 am

Wait for her to calm down on her own & realize she was out of line for yelling at you - she should have spoken like a maure adult and still with respect. It must be very frustrating for her, next time you make an exception maybe kindly warn her in advance, not that you need to, its your house but just out of kindness since it is so hard for her.

MaBelleVie

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 8:50 am

It doesn't sound as if this behavior is an isolated event. What else sets her apart from other twenty-somethings who live at home?

amother

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 9:00 am

MaBelleVie wrote:

It doesn't sound as if this behavior is an isolated event. What else sets her apart from other twenty-somethings who live at home?

Not sure. Would Chutzpah set her apart? All my friends with twenties umarried girls suffer w this problem. It's frustration in Shidduchim. She's miserable..........She's a super achiever otherwise.

Tamiri

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 9:13 am

She's angry at herself but she can't vent to herself so she's venting to Mommy. I think she's past the age of chinuch. When you are both calm, you may want to help her understand her behavior. I don't think it has anything to do with the muffins, specifically. I mean, if you had left pork rinds on the counter, would she have eaten them? The answer is no, because it's assur and she knows it. On WW those muffins are assur, and she knows it too.
I wouldn't discuss willpower with her or how proud you are of her dieting. Willpower because it's condescending and your being proud of her dieting because you are being the mommy and making it a part of you. It's not - she's in her 20s and it's all about her now.
I also wouldn't hide the goodies for the above reasons. I wouldn't necessarily eat them in front of her, but if she's going looking for stuff and you are "hiding" it for her, she's not "into" WW yet, IMO.

ora_43

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 9:15 am

Does she get upset easily when she's not dieting? If not - food deprivation does tend to cause crankiness, even if it's for a good cause.

I also agree with everything Tamiri said.

Isramom8

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 9:37 am

Whoa. Why is she living with you? She needs to get a life, become independent, and then take that new maturity into controlling her own home, not yours. Any girl who acts like this past age 17 needs to separate more.

You should start treating her as a separate adult living in your home, and expecting mutual respect. This isn't healthy.

Ruchel

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 9:55 am

It's not done in all circles to have a single child move out. Yes, it can lead to unhealthy situations, though I think in the 20's, especially earlier 20's, it's very fine.
Now, she does need to be told to shape up... but truth is, even without the diet, being a single is VERY hard on the nerves.

cheeseblintz

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 10:04 am

I agree that she should move out on her own or with roommates. There comes a point where your mother stops being responsible for everything you eat. Who is going to police her eating when she is at work or at a restaurant? Dieting is about taking responsibility for your own eating.
Also -- slightly beside the point, but WW of course allows for a few slip ups. She needs to relax and realize that her middot are a lot more important long term than 10 or 15 lbs.

amother

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 10:14 am

cheeseblintz wrote:

She needs to relax and realize that her middot are a lot more important long term than 10 or 15 lbs.

Ha, not in the shallow world of dating, unfortunately. Does anyone really know how the single guys and girls behave behind closed doors? Size and weight you do know immediately.

Ruchel

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 10:16 am

She should not date shallow people, as a frum girl!

bubby

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 10:26 am

It's not your job to control her yetzer hora re food. It's hers. It sounds like you are doing for her in her 20's what my mom did for me when I was 12. A bit ridiculous, don't you think? Why should the rest of the family have to suffer because SHE needs to lose weight? I agree, as a fatty having major diet issues right now, it is helpful not to have the "good stuff" in the house....but she's an adult! shock

Tell her to grow up, get off your case, & look after herself. Let her cook for herself!

BTW...she's very lucky that you have put yourself out so much for her. And as for WW....I never heard them say it's a family thing. On the contrary, other people & the WW-er have to live together. That's BS.

Exploding anger

amother

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 10:58 am

She should talk to a professional about how to have a healthy relationship with food. To totally deprive herself of any treats and then be introduced to them again, of course she is going to lose it. I would probably do the same thing as her if I was depriving myself of anything. She needs to learn how to eat sweets in moderation. I'm not saying its gonna be easy, but with the proper guidance it can be done. That is my belief and take on the situation- coming from someone who HAS struggled with food for years.

chocolate moose

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 11:02 am

She has a real problem and needs help. When she admits it to herself, it will help her a lot. She shoud see my friend who's a homeopath and natural healer.

suzyq

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 11:11 am

I think it really depends on if this is a normal occurrence or if it's an isolated incident. If it's isolated, I could totally see it being PMS, or frustration with her diet (is it working? has she been seeing progress?) or even just a bad day. If that's the case, then let it blow over, she'll probably be embarrassed by it herself.

If, however, this is a common occurrence, then it is time to sit down with her and explain that she is an adult now and she has to be responsible for herself. It is time to make decisions on her own, especially when it comes to things like what she eats, but possibly also about living on her own. She cannot depend on you to spoonfeed her for the rest of her life and you are doing a LOT for her at the moment.

As for her frustration in general - I think it sounds pretty normal. It is really hard to be single when your friends are all getting married. I don't know what she is doing these days, but I would encourage her to find outlets and hobbies that make her happy.

JRKmommy

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 11:40 am

Does she normally get away with being chutzpahdik?

I see families where it is quite common for an adult child to berate a mother, and the mother apologizes or explains what she did, but DOESN'T say that disrespectful behavior won't be tolerated.

Yes, dieting can make someone cranky. That doesn't excuse the behavior. Try a response like, "we'll talk when you can speak respectfully" and don't say anything else to her until she does.

If she calmly tells you, "it's hard for me if there are muffins around", you can have a conversation about that, and maybe take her feelings into consideration. However, if she's yelling at you, she needs to know that you are not her punching bag, and you aren't going to sit there and take it.

It doesn't benefit either or you to tolerate disrespect. She will need to deal with others in the future - such as co-workers or a husband - who won't be as tolerant of cranky outbursts.

sugaray

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 11:52 am

if chutzpa like that doesnt set her apart then there is a serious problem. when I (or my sisters) was not married in my twenties (I got married early twenties), I would never ever speak like that to my mother. totally unacceptable in my house. we are all very close to my mother and can talk to her about anything but she is still a mother and not someone that I am allowed to yell at. you should absolutely not tolerate being spoken to like that. that is first of all.
second of all, someone who is dieting is responsible for their own eating. if you are keeping fattening foods away from her when you yourself could be eating them, that is a favor that you are doing for her. not a requirement. if she cannot control herself, then it is her issue to deal with. she is twenty, not a baby. she needs to start acting like the adult that she is.

Peanut2

Wed, Jul 21 2010, 12:18 pm

I am a daughter in her twenties who just got angry at her mother right now, and from my perspective...

she got angry at you because she was angry in general about eating the muffins. She is probably mostly angry at herself, but you were there and you're her mother so she just got angry at you. My sister and I (unfortunately) do that, too. It happens.

Don't tell her that that's what she did. It's infuriating to be told why you did what you did. It may or may not be true, but it's annoying as anything and will likely start a new fight.

Tell her that you're sorry you put the muffins there and that you see how that's a temptation. Then you can say that her reaction is inappropriate and you can add the as long as you live under my roof line.

It's not great for young women of these age to live with their mothers. What about moving in to a flat with roommates, where it's not possible to dump all your problems on your mother? Depending on how responsible she is a as a whole, it might be a very necessary step. Don't throw her out obviously, but maybe you could suggest that she would be happier living in dorms or an apartment with friends.

And responsibility-wise, hiding food in the basement or master bedroom isn't that helpful either. This might be a good opportunity to say that you will make sure not to leave forbidden food on the counter, but that you will be leaving things in the pantry. Unless you buy a lot of fattening food, this is a responsibility thing. She needs to just say no. If you really do buy a lot of fattening stuff, I think it would be much more helpful to stop doing so. Even if you're thin, it's still incredibly unhelpful, and knowing it's not in the house at all will be better for your daughter. Obviously a box of chocolate OR some muffins OR some other unhealthy things is fine, but if you have a selection of sweets and junk anywhere around, that's not so helpful. Even if you're hiding it.

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