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-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Fri, Apr 12 2024, 5:56 pm
It’s a bit long but I need perspective please!
DS9 is driving me crazy. In very many ways, but now I’m fuming and idk what to do. He has had glasses for a few years, but his prescription has been going up fairly quickly so we keep trying different expensive options to help prevent it from getting worse. First we got progressive glasses, but he was completely non-compliant with wearing them. Then we got contacts. We did many different trials to find the most comfortable ones and we eventually settled on the best kind. He wore them for a month or two nicely, and then started complaining and kept throwing out (expensive!) contacts saying they weren’t good ones. He soon switched back to his glasses because we were out of contacts.
He started to wear the glasses better, but he breaks them a few times a year. We went back to the eye doctor recently and he stressed again how necessary the contacts are. He gave us more samples to try, plus we once again replaced the broken frames. This past week we have been trying samples. DS lost one box of samples, rendering the other box useless because his eyes are two different prescriptions. He threw out the monthly sample after one day because it was easier than putting them away in solution (which he knows how to do for a year already!). We have only 3 dailies left, which shouldn’t be an issue because they are samples and we need to order anyways. EXCEPT. He just broke his glasses again today!!!!! I’m fuming! We can’t afford more glasses plus the eye doctor is 25 minutes away. I can’t afford to take off more work, and any free time I have is being used to make Pesach!
I’m so angry at DS. Idk how to not take this out on him, and not sure how to stop this carelessness, so maybe he should know how bad this is!
For some background, DS has ADHD so I really try to be more patience. He is medicated. But it’s been a lot this week. This isn’t counting the therapies and supports we are paying for in time and money for him (totaling about $300 a week). I can’t afford this child. And did I mention, I’m REALLY MAD. Argh. Help me. Please.
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amother
Gardenia
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Fri, Apr 12 2024, 6:01 pm
Sorry you’re going through this. I understand what it’s like to be frustrated with your kids. I have a pandas child and an adhd child. It’s HARD!
That being said, you are expecting adult behavior from a small child. Is he your oldest? Everything he’s doing is extremely age appropriate, especially if he has adhd.
Maybe take a deep breath and try to picture how this feels from his perspective? Maybe you’re placing too much responsibility on his head?
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amother
Offwhite
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Fri, Apr 12 2024, 6:03 pm
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Don't have any wise words. I'd be really mad too.
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amother
Sage
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Fri, Apr 12 2024, 6:03 pm
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He’s 9 years old!!! That’s a baby, poor kid cut him some slack
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amother
Denim
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Fri, Apr 12 2024, 6:15 pm
| amother Sage wrote: | | He’s 9 years old!!! That’s a baby, poor kid cut him some slack |
9 yr old are not babies.
However it sounds like a very hard situation. I'm reluctant to get contacts for my very responsible 13 yr old dd!
My 10 yr old adhd son would never be able to manage keeping track.
I think you should only consider disposable dailies for him.
And it's very upsetting but totally normal to repair/visit eyeglasses store a few times a year! 
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Chayalle
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Fri, Apr 12 2024, 6:16 pm
9 is really young to be expected to take care of contacts. My eye doctor won't prescribe them before age 14, as a general rule. My girls got them in 9th grade! I get that the broken glasses are frustrating, but I don't begin to understand getting contacts for a child so young, and so obviously not ready for them.
I too have a child with (inattentive) ADHD, and said child has a unique shape/size to her eyes, so when she did get contacts, they were a custom size and expensive. And she wears them sporadically, because you know, has similar sensory-type issues with their comfort (I have a feeling it's ADHD related) and because getting them in in the morning is too much bother, etc...and she isn't wearing her glasses either....(if she knows where they are. I wonder.) Every so often she gets in the habit of putting in her contacts, marvelling how she can actually see....and then it wears off when it gets to be too much for her to bother with.
At her age, I don't get involved. It's her eyes, her school work, her decision.
But 9 is too young!
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amother
Floralwhite
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Fri, Apr 12 2024, 6:20 pm
Maybe you should be in charge of dispensing the lenses every day so they don't get lost or thrown out. 9 is very young to have full responsibility especially with adhd.
Also if this is something very challenging for him maybe you can have some sort of incentive if he wears them consistently for a week or month or whatever you decide on together. He can choose a reward he thinks is worth it.
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amother
Coral
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Fri, Apr 12 2024, 6:22 pm
There are other treatments available too.
My 9 year old DS is on atropine drops for the same reason. Have you asked your doctor about it? It's newer and not FDA approved yet but my son has been on it over a year and we are seeing good results.
Contacts for a 9 year old, with or without ADHD is hard!
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oneofakind
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Fri, Apr 12 2024, 6:22 pm
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Totally agree with above. Also, do you make sure to get him glasses that have flexibility in the frames? They are less likely to break.
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amother
Wallflower
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Fri, Apr 12 2024, 6:38 pm
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Go to a place that has a warranty on the glasses like Target.
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amother
OP
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Fri, Apr 12 2024, 6:44 pm
RE the contacts, I don’t have any desire, I actually strongly dislike them! But the eye doctor insists it’s necessary. He isn’t a good candidate for the drops because he is extremely sensitive to dilation (stays dilated for 36 hours plus from a regular doctor visit). I also spoke to the eye doctor about another type of glasses made in Canada or something, again, not a candidate because of astigmatism or something like that. Also he wants to handle the contacts himself, he gets mad when I get involved…I can remind him to put them in but then I need to step back.
Yes breaking frames a couple times a year is within the range of normal. But we just had to fully replace less than a month ago, hence my frustration. I literally don’t have time or money to deal with this now. I can’t afford to take off more time, plus erev Pesach. And I don’t live near any family so I don’t have that support. And this is all while trying not to neglect my other children 🤦🏽♀️.
For those that empathized, I appreciate it. I don’t think there’s much problem doing to do here realistically. I have to get something for his eyes, so I need to go to the eye doctor again so I need to take more time off from work. Sometimes I really really don’t like having to be a responsible adult!!
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amother
Magenta
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Fri, Apr 12 2024, 6:46 pm
My almost-16 year old with ADHD has been doing this with retainers recently. Fidgeting with them until they break, losing them, complaining they don't fit and then bending them to try to make them fit better and thereby breaking them...and after spending all of that money on (very necessary, not just cosmetically) braces, I can't afford to keep him in retainers but can't afford to not either.
A lot of it is sensory issues. It's so hard, and even more so at age 9 where an abstract issue like "eyesight getting worse" isn't much of a motivator. Honestly, though, at that age I'd go with an incentive chart. I know, I know, it seems like age 9 is too old, but ADHDers need things like that for much longer. And it can help to motivate them when abstract stuff doesn't.
I say this as someone who has ADHD that is BH very well under control at this point, and who makes charts like this for myself. No stickers. I put checks in boxes when I do the thing I'm supposed to do. I reward myself (five minutes relaxing on the couch talking to a friend) if I do something that I am REALLY not motivated to do (making a challenging phone call, filling out a "boring" form).
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amother
OP
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Fri, Apr 12 2024, 6:46 pm
| oneofakind wrote: | | Totally agree with above. Also, do you make sure to get him glasses that have flexibility in the frames? They are less likely to break. |
I was looking into new frames recently, but the eye doctor felt it was wasteful to since we really need to switch to full time contacts. Issue is in this moment, we don’t have contacts or glasses for him to wear and it will take a couple weeks to come.
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amother
OP
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Fri, Apr 12 2024, 6:49 pm
| amother Magenta wrote: | My almost-16 year old with ADHD has been doing this with retainers recently. Fidgeting with them until they break, losing them, complaining they don't fit and then bending them to try to make them fit better and thereby breaking them...and after spending all of that money on (very necessary, not just cosmetically) braces, I can't afford to keep him in retainers but can't afford to not either.
A lot of it is sensory issues. It's so hard, and even more so at age 9 where an abstract issue like "eyesight getting worse" isn't much of a motivator. Honestly, though, at that age I'd go with an incentive chart. I know, I know, it seems like age 9 is too old, but ADHDers need things like that for much longer. And it can help to motivate them when abstract stuff doesn't.
I say this as someone who has ADHD that is BH very well under control at this point, and who makes charts like this for myself. No stickers. I put checks in boxes when I do the thing I'm supposed to do. I reward myself (five minutes relaxing on the couch talking to a friend) if I do something that I am REALLY not motivated to do (making a challenging phone call, filling out a "boring" form). |
I think once we get the new daily contact lenses, it will go better. But they haven’t even been ordered yet because we were in middle of trialing them. But in this moment we have nothing to give him to wear, which obviously is problematic with a moderately high prescription. I don’t even think a chart will be needed because he is excited about them, I will just have to make sure the boxes are kept in a safe place and not misplaced.
Ugh. Adulting is no fun.
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amother
OP
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Fri, Apr 12 2024, 6:56 pm
BH we do have a warranty, but I need to see if they will replace the frames again in such a short time window. The money part is also about taking off work, I am on the therapy type field so no pay when I’m not there.
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amother
Sapphire
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Sat, Apr 13 2024, 2:32 pm
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I'd switch eye doctors. Does he specialize in pediatrics? Cause I think you need someone who understands a normal 9 year old. And that 9 year olds can't wear lenses. Also look into unbreakable frames.
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mummiedearest
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Sat, Apr 13 2024, 10:12 pm
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What is the doctor’s reason for saying it’s necessary? I had huge jumps in prescriptions as a kid, but it settled as an adult. I need glasses or lenses to see properly, but those are easily obtained and used. Unless the doctor has reason to fear blindness. I’d stop bothering with all this. I order glasses online for myself and my child at a fraction of the cost, and reordering when they break is just a few clicks. It sounds like this treatment is unreasonable to expect your son to comply with. Get a second opinion or drop it for a bit. And switch doctors.
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amother
Cerulean
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Sat, Apr 13 2024, 11:13 pm
Someone else mentioned - you can do the atropine drops.
There are also special myopia control glasses but they are very expensive (and can only be made in Canada so a big hassle to get) so that probably won’t be a good option if he keeps breaking his glasses.
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amother
Narcissus
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Sat, Apr 13 2024, 11:18 pm
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What were his glasses frames made of? Because if the answer is not titanium, I'd recommend getting him titanium next time you get him glasses. You can order the frames from AliExpress.
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