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-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Thu, Mar 21 2024, 3:10 pm
Hi All,
My daughter who just turned 4 is my middle child. I find her just so hard to parent. Everything is like a big discussion, she doesn't ever play without a lot of effort. She can be aggressive and very forceful with what she wants which I try not to give in to. She's also quite an extrovert, she doesn't like to to be on her own and she gets bored really easily.
I would say on the positive side she is very helpful and a lovely sister to her siblings. She's also bright and entertaining and a good girl in school.
I feel like if she was a teenager she would be great but she's only 4 and I don't know how to parent a child who is so strong willed. I also think that because I don't give into her and I can don't give her the insane mount of attention or treats that she wants, she thinks that I'm harsh and I don't like her. Sometimes she says she wants to harm herself and I think it's because she wants attention. I find her hard work but of course I adore her. I'm worried that this will affect her long term. It's just hard to show I love her when she demands so much  .
Any advice please?! Mainly, is it really bad that a child can't play on her own? That she's so demanding? How can I make her understand that I love he even though I don't give her everything she wants all the time? Any ideas for outlets?
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amother
DarkGreen
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 3:47 pm
The saying she wants to harm herself stuck out to me.
What’s the undivided attention she gets currently?
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mha3484
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 3:57 pm
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I only make strong willed children haha. Reading the explosive child helped me so much to understand them. I highly recommend reading it.
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amother
Coral
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 4:01 pm
Generally, typically developing and healthy kids do not threaten self harm at age 4
So that's a red flag.
Has she had strep, exposure to tick bites. Any other illnesses?
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amother
Amaranthus
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 4:41 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Hi All,
My daughter who just turned 4 is my middle child. I find her just so hard to parent. Everything is like a big discussion, she doesn't ever play without a lot of effort. She can be aggressive and very forceful with what she wants which I try not to give in to. She's also quite an extrovert, she doesn't like to to be on her own and she gets bored really easily.
I would say on the positive side she is very helpful and a lovely sister to her siblings. She's also bright and entertaining and a good girl in school.
I feel like if she was a teenager she would be great but she's only 4 and I don't know how to parent a child who is so strong willed. I also think that because I don't give into her and I can don't give her the insane mount of attention or treats that she wants, she thinks that I'm harsh and I don't like her. Sometimes she says she wants to harm herself and I think it's because she wants attention. I find her hard work but of course I adore her. I'm worried that this will affect her long term. It's just hard to show I love her when she demands so much .
Any advice please?! Mainly, is it really bad that a child can't play on her own? That she's so demanding? How can I make her understand that I love he even though I don't give her everything she wants all the time? Any ideas for outlets? |
There are quite a few red flags here, please take her to a psychologist for a comprehensive evaluation, you may be able to help her.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 5:09 pm
I have three kids and the others are quite easy so she gets most of the attention. She likes to cook so we cook together, she loves games so we do that together and we go out on errands. Anywhere I go she wants to come with and I'm happy to take her. Maybe more fun 1 to 1 time is needed.
I'll just clarify, I wouldn't say she has behavioral problems. She usually gets on with it and she's not really naughty or violent. It's more how she talks and interacts with me sometimes. She can be very forceful and demanding.
An example of wanting to harm herself is she'll ask me for a treat and I'll say no as she's already had one or whatever and then she might get annoyed and nag and then eventually say something ridiculous like 'I wish I was killed' or 'I'm going to fall down the stairs'. It's crazy, I don't know where she gets it. I just say chas veshalom and I love you, I don't want you to get hurt. It's always because she wants something so it's to try to force a reaction from me. I very rarely lose my cool with her.
I think she acts older than her years, her nursery also said this. E.g. she doesn't really have tantrums at home like a normal 3/4 year old. Instead it comes out as a threat or constant demands like psychological warfare  . I'd prefer a tantrum! I'm hoping that as she gets older and more independent and she gets more stimulation from school/social life/hobbies she will be happier in herself. As I said before I think a lot of the time she's really bored so she's looking for attention and stimulation.
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amother
Purple
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 5:19 pm
Highly unusual child you have there is all I can say! Maybe you just need to roll with the punches.
I would maybe take her to a play therapist.
Has she had any early trauma? Medical procedures as an infant or anything that would put her system into extreme fight/flight/freeze? Was she able to securely attach to you? Did you have extreme stress when you were pregnant with her or when she was a baby?
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amother
OP
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 6:10 pm
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It was covid when she was born so yeah it as stressful ha! She's been a strong willed type since she was a baby. She isn't a big cuddler like my other kids but she is the kindest of all of them. Her personality is a huge mix! I really do adore her, I just worry I'm not doing something right and it will affect her when she's older because she is just so needy.
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amother
Peach
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 6:36 pm
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Sounds like an over aroused sympathetic dominant nervous system. I'd work on vagal tone so she's not always in fight mode
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amother
Lightblue
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 6:44 pm
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I think the children the challenge is a great book on how to set boundaries with children. I would absolutely not run to a psychologist especially if she is doing it for attention. Read this book…
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amother
Purple
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 6:55 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | It was covid when she was born so yeah it as stressful ha! She's been a strong willed type since she was a baby. She isn't a big cuddler like my other kids but she is the kindest of all of them. Her personality is a huge mix! I really do adore her, I just worry I'm not doing something right and it will affect her when she's older because she is just so needy. |
Get educated on how to be a strong attachment for her. Playing with her more is not so important as being very clear about when you can and can't play with her and staying calm and connected throughout. Let go of the future. I wish I would have worried less with my kids and connected more.
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Dolly Welsh
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 7:16 pm
You say: "I have three kids and the others are quite easy so she gets most of the attention."
That isn't quite right.
Perhaps make an effort to give attention more equally among them, even to those who seem able to do with less.
That may be exactly what is causing her excessive pushiness with you: you are looking straight at her and waiting to see what she will do or say? Well turn your face to another kid.
She will probably adjust all right to that in time, as you say she is generally nice to the others.
I agree with a psychological exam, and doing the other things, and reading the book that is mentioned by others here.
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Dolly Welsh
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 7:18 pm
| amother Peach wrote: | | Sounds like an over aroused sympathetic dominant nervous system. I'd work on vagal tone so she's not always in fight mode |
Interesting, what is vagal tone?
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amother
Peach
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 8:01 pm
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How well your vagus nerve works. The vagus nerve controls the 2 main modes of autonomic nervous system; sympathetic and parasympathetic, aka fight-flight and rest-digest. People with poor vagal tone can get stuck in fight-flight and will react to normal situations with high levels of arousal and reactivity.
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Dolly Welsh
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 9:08 pm
| amother Peach wrote: | | How well your vagus nerve works. The vagus nerve controls the 2 main modes of autonomic nervous system; sympathetic and parasympathetic, aka fight-flight and rest-digest. People with poor vagal tone can get stuck in fight-flight and will react to normal situations with high levels of arousal and reactivity. |
Can a person can do things to improve his or her vagal tone? Could OP do anything actively to improve this kid's vagal tone?
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amother
Peach
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 9:13 pm
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