What behavior is normal for a 5.y.o.?

amother ↓

Tue, Dec 23 2008, 7:48 am

Kindergarten girl-- I don't know if I am too harsh with her or not strict enough. She doesn't listen and is very disrespectful at home -- but well behaved at school according to the morot.
Not a learning issue -- she actually has tested to be highly gifted. Are my expectations too high, or is her behavior actually unacceptable (as it seems to us to be.)? (For example, not doing what she is told at bedtime, morning, coming home from school-- and the younger children don't get attention b/c I'm dealing with her)What do I do? We got the book "setting limits with your strong-willed child", but it is very difficult to follow, b/c it has been impossible to make every punishment a "natural consequence" of the bad behavior.

mimivan

Tue, Dec 23 2008, 8:02 am

I was having this issue for a while....
Try positive reinforcement for behaviors that are problematic like not getting ready for bed or for getting up. I tell my son if he gets dressed all by himself, he can take a couple cookies on the bus after breakfast. If I have to help him, he doesn't get the cookies (help him as in get him dressed, not assist him)...

Keep a chart of all the days he gets dressed by himself etc..(oh! sorry herself...you have a girl)

I find that when I find fault alot with my son, he responds by not obeying and being chutzpadiche. I'm not saying this is what you are doing, but try letting more things go and complimenting often. When I get back I the habit of doing this, his negative behaviors often decrease.

Do something small to make your dd feel special...like a favorite sandwich...just some ideas...these little things do add up...I know they sound like "band-aids" but they do help, at least with my ds.

bubby ↓

Tue, Dec 23 2008, 8:21 am

If she's an angel in school she has to let off steam somewhere, & not that it helps, but you're it. Rolling Eyes

The good news is that if there was something really wrong, she'd be impossible in school too. It could be she's jealous of the attention you naturally have to give to the other kids (even though you say you don't, she knows they're "there.")

When she comes home can you give her 20 mins undivided attention? Try telling the others, "Not now sweetie, I'm talking to Miriam". It worked for me. My kids knew everyone got a turn & they couldn't interrupt or THEIR time would be interrupted.

Positive reinforcement works. Potching/strong discipline doesn't. Taking her to the store for a tomato is one way of gving her time. It really sounds like she just wants your attention & let's face it, any attention, even negative, is better than none at all!

Don't worry, she's 5!! Perfectly normal! Just enjoy her & keep telling her you love her! Good luck!

mandksima ↓

Tue, Dec 23 2008, 9:15 am

bubby wrote:

If she's an angel in school she has to let off steam somewhere, & not that it helps, but you're it. Rolling Eyes

My daughter is now 7 but we definitely had these problems at age 5. Punishments NEVER worked with her and I had to offer her rewards like a walk with me around the block or an outing to the store. Or a treat. I didn't always have the time or energy to drop everything and do these things with her but her behavior would just escalate and get worse if we started arguing. It still takes a lot of patience with her, more than my other kids but I wouldn't blame it on her particular age as much as her personality. She isn't going to be any easier as a teenager and truthfully, I'm quite scared. We only have it under control when I give it my all and if I'm tired or cranky....she's so exhausting.

Bubby, I don 't agree with you about the part that it is because of the mother/parenting skills that she only behaves poorly at home. Some kids, like my DD, are angels in school and quite opposite at home. She holds in whatever bothers her in school and lets it out at home. Sometimes the minute she comes through the door. I have a ton of patience with her and I think she is afraid of the lack of unconditional love at school vs. the unconditional love she knows she has at home. She's smart and very intuitive and doesn't want to mess up her relationships at school.

Good luck, OP. I feel badly for my other kids that don't get nearly the same amount of attention but they don't need it as much as she does and I'm sure her creator had this in mind when her gave her to me. I can only work with what I have and I pray it is enough to reap some nachas someday.

ChossidMom ↓

Tue, Dec 23 2008, 9:20 am

Be firm and consistent. You don't HAVE to do the natural consequences thing. BUT, try not to give too many commands. When you do give a command you MUST make sure she listens. If she doesn't - punish by revoking a privilege.

Also, make sure you are spending 10 minutes of quality time with her every day.
Make sure you are touching her enough (not necessarily kisses and hugs).
Make sure your ratio of "nice" comments vs. "tough" comments (like "clean your room" or "your hair is messy") is 4 to 1. That's 4 nice comments to 1 not nice comment. If you find yourself with a different ratio, either up your nice comments or make less negative ones.

gryp ↓

Tue, Dec 23 2008, 9:23 am

My 5 yr old has become a little chutzpanyak also. Most of the time I have to stop myself from bursting into laughter when he makes up a new line. Sometimes I'll ignore it and sometimes I tell him he's gone overboard.
He also demands most of the attention around here and gets it.
My 5 yr old still wants to be babied. And I don't mind to a certain point. He does get himself dressed and even takes out his own clothing each morning, uses the bathroom completely by himself, washes his hands in the morning alone and says the brachos he is supposed to, can wash his younger brother also, washes himself for hamotzi, davens beautifully, cleans up nicely, gets negel vaaser and empties it without being told, etc. I can drop him off in the front of school and he can go up to his classroom by himself, etc. He does all the big boy things. But sometimes he likes to be babied, and not surprisingly since there are a lot of babies around here and he's always had to be the big boy. So I don't tell him to grow up when he acts like a baby because he's already grown up so much in such a short time.

Quote:

I don't know if I am too harsh with her or not strict enough.

Amother, you can be strict in a way that's not harsh. As long as your child knows you mean business, you can be strict with a smile on your face too.

↑ bubby

Tue, Dec 23 2008, 11:19 am

[color=cyan][size=18]Bubby, I don 't agree with you about the part that it is because of the mother/parenting skills that she only behaves poorly at home.[/size][/color]

Excuse me...where did I say that??? Did I say it's bad parenting skills to look after ALL our children??? Of course not!! shock

I made some suggestions that worked for me & tried to give some rationalization to OP so she DOESN'T feel guilty or worried!!

Hey, waddo I know? I only raised 6 frum, healthy, reponsible kids, each of whom had his/her own issues (they nearly drove me to drink Drunken Smile

) & I had to figure it out & DH was working overseas for almost a year!!! Maybe I'm too out of touch What

↑ amother

Tue, Dec 23 2008, 12:02 pm

OP here--
Everyone has some good advice -- I will try some of those tips.
Bubby -- I understood what you meant-- it is very helpful!
I think my DD does sound a bit worse-behaved than waht some of you described. Also, she wasn't any better as the only child-- thats why DS is 3 yrs younger! Still, the idea of giving more positive attention makes sense, since she is extremely sensitive. I am worried though b/c sometimes I try that and it backfires, but I havn't tried it consistenly for a long time.

↑ mandksima

Tue, Dec 23 2008, 3:48 pm

bubby wrote:

Bubby, I don 't agree with you about the part that it is because of the mother/parenting skills that she only behaves poorly at home.

Excuse me...where did I say that??? Did I say it's bad parenting skills to look after ALL our children??? Of course not!! shock

) & I had to figure it out & DH was working overseas for almost a year!!! Maybe I'm too out of touch What

Bubby, I'm SO sorry, I misunderstood. I just re-read it and understand what you were saying now. I was saying the same thing about my DD being good at school and then letting it all out at home. I thought you had wrote something that I'm hearing from a lot of people that I don't agree with - namely that if my DD behaves fine at school but not at home, then there is something wrong with me and how I parent. They don't know me well or my parenting skills but firmly believe that a kid can't act 2 different ways in 2 different situations. They really don't know my DD. They suggested a social worker for me and hubby to figure out how to make boundaries at home and I'm all for someone to give me a suggestion I haven't tried yet, but they totally aren't getting the total picture. The social worker was unable to help us much as my DD's issues are deeper than boundary issues.

Maybe I shouldn't be commenting. My DD has serious issues and her behavior was and still is very not normal. But all kids are different. My son was nothing like her. Most of it is personality - stubbornness, highly sensitive (physically and emotionally), extremely needy and anxious. A very high maintenance kid. B"H, my others are easier.