Shiduch and weight

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Jan 06 2025, 9:33 pm

When you are describing someone for the schiduchim,is mentioning that girl is not super skinny but also not fat (arnd size 14) is loshon hara ? (Please,no offense,I am around size 12-14, and won't consider it a crime, for some boys it seems like it's a very important information if the girl is over size idk 8-10. Basically, do we need to mention weight or it's a tabu or it's good to mention to sort out those who only want size 2-4-6?I had a feeling it's a major thing to let people know if girl is super skinnny or average body and makes a big deal. How to go about weight.?

(Again,I don't care, but not sure if it's a biggie for local standards or no) I mean,I'm not sure to say, to withhold, to ignore. Etc. For me body size doesn't matter, but I had feeling that it's one the major things boys ask (as crazy as I find it)

amother

Maple ↓

Mon, Jan 06 2025, 9:39 pm

It's not appropriate to actually say it, but the answer people ought to get, really, is "this ain't build-a-b****, you're not getting her made to order, and I'm not going to talk about measurements with you."

Most of the time, attraction isn't based on any individual detail. And a guy who's only ever attracted to skinny is going to have problems regardless, because, most of the time, skinny doesn't stay skinny, it's just a fact.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jan 06 2025, 9:42 pm

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

Great question.
Please ask the shemiras halashon hotline
7189513696

thank you, I got super nervous that I might be saying lashon hara, and last thing I want to do is hurt someone. I thought mentioning weight would sort out those boys who have rigid expectations and will prevent her from going out with someone shallow and who won't appreciate her beauty . Thanks a lot.

amother

Gold

Mon, Jan 06 2025, 9:52 pm

Does she dress well? Is she put together? Does she wear make up? Is she pretty?

You can say a lot of things beside for weight
If boy is picky about weight, they will usually ask "is she skinny?"
Personally I would not talk about weight unless I'm asked.

Her weight will be noticeable on first date!! Wink

amother

Crocus ↓

Mon, Jan 06 2025, 9:55 pm

If the boys side asks it’s litoeles. My son is not looking for size two but he is just not attracted to really heavy girls. Several girls that were suggested from out of town were quite heavy and it would have been a real disservice to them to make them fly in for a date that would be a sure no. We are grateful to those references who were truthful to us about her weight. There is nothing that is more Toeles than answering truthfully about this.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jan 06 2025, 10:04 pm

amother Crocus wrote:

hm. Where is the line between heavy and not heavy? I only started to consider this when few people told me OMG not size 6? I don't feel where is heavy where is not. How would u determine whete heaviness starts? (Also, I think I'm pretty in my body that is 170lbs, so I can't get in the head of skinny wanting boys )

amother

↑ Crocus ↓

Yesterday at 1:39 am

amother OP wrote:

Think heaviest 5-10 percentile. My son is ok with regular size. An obese girl is not going to work for him. It’s not doing the boy or girl any favors if someone is asked this info and obfuscates.

amother

Fuchsia ↓

Yesterday at 3:07 am

I am very upfront. DD (not to mention her beautiful middot) is not a petite, waif like, blonde, damsel in distress. She is a gorgeous 5’8”, curvy, and a size 12-14. She has dark, thick, curly hair. She has been turned down for not being 5’2” , size 0, and having straight thin blonde hair-you know the kind that really benefits from extensions when making a simcha. If you’re not interested in her for that reason, I think you are an idiot, but I would rather you don’t waste my time, try a date and hurt her, or marry her and make her feel insecure.

amother

Lily

Yesterday at 3:14 am

amother Fuchsia wrote:

You're awesome

amother

↑ Crocus ↓

Yesterday at 6:10 am

amother Fuchsia wrote:

Makes sense. The fact is that not every boy and girl are made for each other. If the boy is a twig thin wisp of a guy it’s just not going to go even if he has an open mind, just like a guy who is 5’ 2” is not going to go. If the other side is asking specifically about thin, then even with a boy who isn’t waif thin I would think to answer truthfully and save both of you agmas nefesh.

Size 10-12 when the other side is just asking generally about appearance can be tricky because some would say to just give it a chance and let the boy see for himself and I would agree, unless the boy is unusually picky about weight.

amother

↑ Crocus ↓

Yesterday at 6:22 am

amother Maple wrote:

And a guy is not attracted to middle age and wrinkles either, but when there is initial attraction that attraction can survive and even grow despite changes later on in life. To expect a guy to ignore the attraction factor of a thin girl which is a normal way that boys are wired, is unrealistic and unfair. We are not talking about a boy that has some hang up about blond hair and baby blue eyes or something.

amother

↑ Maple ↓

Yesterday at 6:32 am

Attraction to thinness isn't "the normal way guys are wired." It's cultural, and it's abnormal. Guys are biologically wired to like curves, because those indicate a reproductively mature female body.

amother

Kiwi

Yesterday at 6:39 am

amother Crocus wrote:

Let's not make generalizations. There are some very slim guys who are happily married to larger girls. Just because one person has a specific preference, doesn't mean everyone shares those feelings, regardless of their size.

amother

Cyclamen ↓

Yesterday at 6:49 am

amother Kiwi wrote:

Was just gonna say this. My husband is both shorter and thinner than me (was that way when we dated) bh he loves me and thinks im beautiful.

amother

↑ Crocus ↓

Yesterday at 7:42 am

amother Maple wrote:

Attraction to thinness isn't "the normal way guys are wired." It's cultural, and it's abnormal. Guys are biologically wired to like curves, because those indicate a reproductively mature female body.

And culturally there were times that massively obese women were all the rage because it showed that they were over rich because they could afford extra food.

The fact is that the overwhelming majority of boys today are attracted to thin. When the mother calls asking about the girls appearance she is not asking if the girl is biologically attractive. She is asking to find out if the girl is suitable for her son, the typical boy growing up in 2025. The answer should be honest.

wrkngmomof2 ↓

Yesterday at 7:54 am

I was told by a Shadchan, “the only thing standing between your daughter and any boy she wants is 15 pounds”
My daughter is kah very beautiful both inside and out and a size 8!
I find it very off putting and am wondering if it’s the boys or their mothers? Would a mother speak to her son and explain that a woman’s body is constantly changing and there is no guarantee that the body she had when she was 20 will be the same at 25?
What about Rose Yeshivos? Are they explaining that the physical appearance is a very small part of marriage?
This attitude is not Torah oriented at all.

amother

Begonia

Yesterday at 7:56 am

This question bothers me since I was one of those girls. So when redting a shidduch for my bil I didn’t mention looks at all. After the date I said so, I heard she’s stunning. What did you think? (She really is a classically pretty girl regardless of her being a size 14 and under 5’) he responding that she’s beautiful and they got engaged after 8 dates. Had someone mentioned before that she’s heavy I don’t know if he would’ve dated her.

↑ wrkngmomof2

Yesterday at 7:56 am

amother Crocus wrote:

So any girl over size 4 should what? Starve to find a shidduch? Please don’t make this sound ok or normal, it isn’t.