How would you react to dc 4 telling you he hurt friend?

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 3:50 am

Like tore someone's paper
Physically hurt other child
And the like
I remember once hearing in some parenting lesson not to judge or lecture child when they come home sharing something negative cuz then they learn not to share. But isn't child getting message it's tolerable and not so bad if he isn't hearing disapproval right away?

amother

Viola

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:24 am

You try to get to the bottom of why he did what he did. Was he angry, frustrated, did the other kid annoy him etc? Then you validate and empathise with those feelings. And then you demonstrate more acceptable ways to deal with those feelings such as using his words, standing up for himself, turning to his teacher or whatever may be relevant in the situation.

This way there isn't anger or judgement, but you are also teaching him how to behave.

amother

SandyBrown

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 5:03 am

Start with asking him why he did it - was he sad? angry? - did the other child do anything to him? and then how the other child reacted - did he cry? was he sad? You can also ask him if the teacher reacted. You want to make sure there is adequate supervision and appropriate consequences.

amother

Daffodil

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 6:01 am

I always start with thank you for sharing and being honest. I really appreciate that.
Then I say we both know hurting someone is not okay and I expect an apology.
I know some ppl are against making a child apologize but I think that's nonsense. Even if they don't feel remorse.. the apology is for the other child.

imasinger

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 6:35 am

He might not know why he acted like that.

Sometimes, it's useful to offer options that allow a bit of silliness -- "hmm, some kids rip other people's things when they're bored, some kids do that when people have hurt thrir feelings, some kids do that when they want something, like to play with a certain, or to go home, but don't know how to ask for it. If you think you did this because you were feeling bored, pretend you're yawning. If you think you did this because you were angry, put up your fists. If you think you did this because you wanted something but didn't know how to say it, shrug your shoulders. If you don't think any of these are right, and don't know why you did it, tap your head."

You could also try giving him pencil and paper to draw more of what happened -- 2 or 3 boxes, first this, then this, then this. (he'll probably have to interpret the pictures for you).

Acknowledge whatever his response is, so you can offer a validation of the feeling, but follow up with, "no matter why you did it, it's wrong to _______, and you need to say sorry. I can help you write a sorry note. What else could you do to help _____ feel better, and like you're a nice friend?"