I know it's not too late but where do I start?

amother

OP ↓

Yesterday at 7:10 am

My kids don't clean up after themselves or help with any cleaning at all. It's too much on me but I've never been on top of them because it requires so much energy and consistency on my part and I have ADHD so both of those things are struggles for me.
I need to change this dynamic in my house.
I have 4 kids from ages 4-13. All have ADHD and 3/4 also have ASD. BH high functioning ASD but still extremely challenging.
We have cleaning help once a week.
DH is not a help either to be honest (also AuDHD) but he works really hard and long hours so this is really my thing to tackle.
Ok so where do I start?
It's hard for me to police everything so I just gave up over the years but this isn't helping me or them.
Please help me make a plan for change.

Thanks ladies.

amother

Papaya

Yesterday at 7:19 am

Start with a list of things that you need to get done.
ex: taking the garbage to the curb
ex: sweeping the floor
ex: putting away the game after playing
ex: putting the dirty laundry in the hamper

Then you can ask each child or you can decide which child is responsible for keeping the bathroom stocked with tissues or to take the hampers to the laundry room etc.

Then make a chart and hang it up for reference. You can put a picture for the task next to each name.
You can divide it by the day of week, chores for Shabbos etc.
Lots of hatzlocha and daven to Hashem for siyatta dishmaya.

amother

Razzmatazz

Yesterday at 7:35 am

Sit down for family meeting
buy big whiteboard to hang in kitchen.
every day or wk list chores and kids initial chores they going to do and then tick when done.
At end of wk review at a family meeting and give rewards, ice cream for everyone for doing so well. make changes and plans.
I like this way BC kids don't get stuck in doing same jobs . but In some families kids like to only do the dishes, or the table so they can stick with that all wk.
point is it's a family project with reward and some self autonomy.

amother

Hyssop ↓

Yesterday at 8:38 am

What I'm saying is going to help more for the ASD kids but hopefully will help for everyone.

First, get crystal clear what you want. What are reasonable expectations for your kids that will work? What are things every kid can do (such as put their clothes in the hamper or dishes in the dishwasher), and who is old enough for their own chores? And what would those be? (Some people find helpful, for example, to give 15 minutes shifts on Friday. Everyone helps for 15 minutes in age-appropriate way.)

Think of specific positive rewards that you can give out. Make the rules. For example, any kid who puts their clothes in the hamper and dishes in the dishwasher gets an extra story in bed/ extra screentime/bedtime treat. A bigger kid who completes their weekly chores can then get a small monetary allowance every Sunday. Whenever you decide should be sustainable for you to do long term and also for you to take away as needed. Stick with smaller things over bigger rewards. The ADHD children might benefit, especially from even smaller and more immediate awards or even the good old-fashioned sticker chart.

Have a family meeting. You can do this over dinner informally if that works better. Or each kid separately if you must. Explain that we need to keep the house clean and everyone's going to work together. Explain the new rules. You can have the kids give input and they might have some creative ideas in terms of what they think they should be doing. Older kids who have weekly chores or daily chores should absolutely be given a choice to pick which they prefer. (People have preferences, I'll take sweeping the floor over washing the dishes any day.) You can also take some input in what the rewards should be.

But remember you knew what you were doing coming in. So while you can make some small adjustments, you're going to end the meeting with setting down the rules clearly.

Now all there is to do is enforce it. In the beginning. You're going to have some meltdowns when they don't get the treat their sibling gets. Over time, they'll get used to this being the new normal. When you enforce it, do it without guilting and without extra emotion. Your kids will have enough emotion for both of you... These are the house rules and they're not changing. You can be sympathetic or empathetic but the rules don't change.

You absolutely can follow up every few months and make adjustments to meet the needs of your family and the kids growing maturity or changing schedules. And as the kids get used to taking more responsibility for the house, you can be more collaborative in planning the house rules.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 10:46 am

I posted the ND diagnosises because I do think its a lot of why we got to this point. I also think the typical methods may not work for our family.
My kids are easily overwhelmed, easily triggered, struggle with avoidance, and have poor executive functioning skills and memory.
I need to be very on top of them, as well as managing my own struggles.
Considering everything, my house is quite functional but it's all on me and it's a lot. Also any lapse in my fully on top of itness, quickly becomes a huge mess and a lot of time to reset.

amother

↑ Hyssop

Yesterday at 12:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

The method I posted is meant to work with ND kids. If you take one look at it and say no way my kids then you're probably right. Your kids have disabilities. There are limits to what they can do. You're also of limited abilities just by being human. And you're already working too hard.

Expecting more than people can do, whether of your children or of yourself, is just going to make things worse. More cleaning help or decluttering might be very necessary to make your household function. Other people might not need it. But if the strategies don't work, then you and your household do need. Just like you get your kids extra help or help in the classroom or medication or whatever else they need.

amother

↑ OP

Yesterday at 12:34 pm

amother Hyssop wrote:

I appreciate you writing this all up. I definitely need to get really clear on what help would be helpful as well as what help is realistic.