I am the worst mother

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 10:40 pm

I have a 10 yr old DS . When something does not go his way he harps as nd screams and yells until he gets his way. Today we went away and he wanted to sleep in a specific bed which was not good for him. In the hotel he was screaming so loud to get his way to get him out of a trance I was so flustered I hit him. While I did that he was trying to turn away from me I hit his nose. He got a major nose bleed! Look everywhere. I feel so bad. What should I have done?

amother

NeonBlue

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 11:45 pm

The really bad abusive parents usually don’t feel bad… my MIL doesn’t feel bad that she emotionally and verbally abused my husband and I’m suffering the consequences… nor does my father feel bad for beating my brothers…

Just saying that you should cut yourself some slack- the fact that you feel bad and are aware that you crossed a line shows that you’re a good conscientious mother who was super stressed and lost herself.

Now what can you do to prevent this in the future? You can’t hit him. That can’t happen again. So maybe next time when you feel the urge- walk into the bathroom and hit a towel or something… walk away. Give yourself space from the situation. You’re human and you will get triggered so just create strong lines that you won’t cross and have a plan of how you will deal with it when your emotions are charged.

Also the fact that you’re paying out of pocket for his help shows you’re a good mother who really cares about her child.

And, you should apologize to him. It doesn’t make you weak and it will teach him that everyone makes mistakes including adults… and that while he was wrong and misbehaving, you shouldn’t have responded that way. It might humble him.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 12:56 am

amother OP wrote:

Op please try to get a neuro psychological evaluation.

Stay centered and don't bash yourself like the poster who told you you waited ten years.
Nothing is cut and dried so be kind to yourself.

amother

Lightgray

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 6:12 am

amother NeonBlue wrote:

There are plenty of abusive parents who feel bad after the fact and /or go around looking for validation to feel better about themselves. It's not black and white. Abusive parents come in all shapes and sizes. And hitting a child on the nose enough to cause a nosebleed isn't something to be downplayed. It's violent. For all we know, the nose is broken.

On the other hand, it's often unhelpful to define abusive parents as "bad". Some may have untreated mental health issues, and may be doing their best. It doesn't change the fact that the behaviour is abusive and unacceptable, but maybe they need help instead of just defining them as "bad".

With all that said, OP, find another doctor if you need a referral, and get your child a neuropsychiatric evaluation. He seems to have regulatory issues at least. Your child's gp shouldn't be telling you your child will grow out of something when he hasn't even been assessed or evaluated.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 6:47 am

Can you reach out to organizations in your area for assistance with paying for a neuropsych eval? I know that in the city where I grew up, there was at least one organization that a) got appointments with top doctors and negotiated the price to a reduced price to begin with and b) assisted with payment if even the reduced amount was too much to swallow (since neuropsych can cost thousands of dollars).
Does he have difficulty in school too, whether behaviorally or socially? His school counselor may be able to point you in the right direction of doctors/ financial assistance/ doctors covered by insurance.

amother

Oxfordblue ↓

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 7:41 am

amother Begonia wrote:

I have hit children to get them out of a "trance" even once a toddler who hadn't slept in 30 hours. Afterwards, I always feel remorse coupled with "I should have done that earlier"
As with all parental behaviors, if your relationship is generally loving and the potch is extremely rare, you have nothing to worry about. You and your kid will be fine.

There are better ways why wont you get help ?

amother

↑ Oxfordblue

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 7:43 am

Op it sounds like both you and your son need help. He needs help because he sounds out control and there is definitely something underlying that needs to be addressed. This should be a wakeup to you because clearly you need help to deal with him. Hitting isnt an option so if you crossed that line please get help to prevent it from happening again. Plus you need real solutions. We are all capable of losing it but when it happens we need help.