Cosmetic surgery for children, mother

amother

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 4:33 am

My daughter has ears that stick out completely at right angles to her face. She's 6, and BH believes she is beautiful, which she is, and hasn't noticed her ears are different, but it won't be long before she notices or someone teases her about it. She also has a large, red flat area on her lower arm (birth mark). I'm torn as to whether I should do anything about them, as she doesn't mind them at all now, but I could remove this issue from her completely and avoid trouble later. I'm concerned about the message it will give her though. I've been told this is the best age for dealing with the ears particularly.

Part of my thinking is that my nose is huge, and had my mother allowed me to have surgery I would have been so much more confident, and I've thought about doing it for ages. Now I don't want to because I also don't want to give my children that message, what of they end up with that nose and feel self conscious because I got mine changed?

Thoughts? We're an Israeli kollel family and would pay from savings, to give an idea of social and financial factors involved.

amother

Peru

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 4:39 am

Ears I would do because it’s unlikely she will be happy with them in future if they are really at a 90 degree angle. I don’t know what would be involved in having the birthmark addressed but if it’s laser I would be likely to leave it because she can have it done later if it bothers her presumably.

salt

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 4:46 am

Just talking about the cost - did you look into how much it would cost?
Sometimes the kupa covers a large part - even for non-medically necessary plastic surgery, etc.

It could be worth signing up for Clalit platinum, mushlam, all those extra kupa insurances, if it will help you cover the cost.

I would prioritize the ears, not the birth mark. Arms can always be covered.

amother

Pink

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 5:29 pm

Please get the birthmark looked at by a good pediatric vascular surgeon. I have recommendations in the US but not Israel. Birthmarks like that may be just a cosmetic issue, but they also may not be, and the average good pediatrician doesn't know the difference. Sometimes they are nothing now but can become a problem later, and the sooner you deal with them, the better.

Cheiny

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 5:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think you’re absolutely projecting your own feelings onto her, and it won’t be long before she gets the message that you believe her ears are ugly and so is her birthmark. I think putting such a major focus on the superficial outer stuff is a very bad lesson to teach and will potentially cause them to start analyzing every body part and trying to judge whether each of those are unattractive, and need to be fixed as well.

I think you should share your feelings with a therapist so you don’t end up imposing your own insecurities into your children,

amother

Amber

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 6:28 pm

She might grow into them. My sister has ears that stick out a little so do some of her kids. She got her earrings at 6 and now you just notice the earrings. She is 13 and I hardly notice the ears. My kids get glasses young and it looks funny at first. Should I not get them glasses? My oldest is asking for lenses now but she is a teenager.

amother

NeonPurple

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 6:42 pm

we got cosmetic surgery for one of my kids, however it wasnt presented as cosmetic surgery or that its ugly unless you change it. we and her drs presented it as a medical issue that is better off if we fix it. theoretically we didnt have to do it but it would have been a big blow to her confidence once she grew up.
we did it age 6, as recomded. and I have no regrets. my daughter remembers it and thinks of as something we had to do, not something we chose to do because she was ugly otherwise.

if you present it to your child as a medical issue, they will accept it matter of factly and when she grows up she will understand and thank you.

amother

Oak

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 6:44 pm

It's in DH family ears that go on a right angle and that is why we have avoided ear piercings until they have enough hair to cover it. BH from my kids who have it, they only have it slightly. One sil is upset my in-laws didn't do for her surgery.

My Fil had ear surgery as a child to pin his ears back as he was teased, the kids called him big ears and stopped using his real name.
If your child is mature enough maybe you can explain that you love her just as and happy not to do something but if she has children saying things to her about her ear she should let you know and maybe the Dr can do something.

I've actually had in the back of my head a similar thought. Dd3 has a very big Jewish nose with the drop (also thanks to fil) it will be a easy cute fix just to 'stitch up' the tip, changing it into the cutest nose but I always ask myself would I do it in real life to her and let her know I feel this way about her nose, maybe if she is teased...

amother

Arcticblue

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 8:07 pm

Say nothing. My dd has ears that stick out. It was tough, but I held my tongue. Why give her a complex if she doesn't have one? I didn't want her to think that I think something's wrong with her and we have to fix it. If I dislike her ears, that's my hangup, not hers. She's now pushing middle age and apparently isn't bothered by this feature, as she has never said a word about it. She wears earrings and tucks her hair behind her ears rather than letting her hair cover them. I'm so glad I never mentioned anything. If she doesn't mind, why should I?

In any case, I would never suggest cosmetic surgery for a child. If dd had complained, I would have cheerfully sprung for surgery, but only once she reached a certain level of maturity. IMHO it's irresponsible to do cosmetic procedures on a child unless they're for a truly disfiguring condition that cannot be camouflaged and that threaten the child's mental or physical health.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 8:18 pm

Say nothing. Get it done. Both things. Say it is for a health reason. Do not mention looks at all, not one bit, and no one else should either.

She is so little, it will be like having your tonsils removed. Nobody gets a complex about that.

Yes, I do think both the ears and the red patch will do her no good going forward, and should be got rid of.

Pretty soon she will get more sophisticated, at age 7. So yes, move quickly on both things. Make it all the doctor's idea, and all about health.

If ever asked later, keep saying it was the doctor's recommendation for health, ease of hearing. And a skin problem that needed to be removed. Health.

If she ever figures it out, much much later, she will just be grateful.

As to your own nose, that doesn't come first, because you already have a home and children, so you can't be that bad, right? You probably just have a strong profile, no problem. If you ever do get it done, say it was because you were having trouble breathing. Medicalize it. No beauty mentioned at all.

amother

DarkGray

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 8:47 pm

Hard to say what’s right or wrong since it’s a girl and there’s this whole thing with females and beauty but I’ll tell you this much. I grew up saying that I love Mickey Mouse ears (sticking out) and my father would always make me say Chas vhsalom…
Well turns out husband has them (and no I didn’t pick him for that!) and he sports a real “Jewish nose” (sorry everyone). I love his looks and think he’s the most dapper chad ever. So yes beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
Postscript; one of my babies were born with ears that had a friend comment I should ‘remold’ them. Dh says hashem made them this way and we’re not supposed to put ourselves into cookie cutters to look the same way.