How can I make Shabbos more special?

amother

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 9:04 am

There's something that's been bothering me for a while. It's long, so thanks to whoever reads this (I never read megillas lol, so I appreciate those who do!) I used to love Shabbos, it was such a huge break for me and I really connected to the day.
These days though, I feel like it's all about just getting through the day. I have young kids including a young and difficult baby, and even just getting out of the house is a whole production - this one spilled something over himself and needs an outfit change, that one had an accident, the baby had a blowout diaper that went all the way up her back etc....
Plus I'm a real introvert and I find it super hard to be out for long; if I didn't have kids I'd happily sit on the couch and read all day lol!
So there's the first aspect that I find hard: getting out of the house, and entertaining the kids while we are at home. These long afternoons are the absolute hardest for me, especially when we need to be out in the heat, but tbh winter is hard in its own way also when we're stuck inside all day, so either way it's hard.
When we're at home, my kids are either fighting or climbing the walls with boredom (boys, mostly too young to go to shul except my oldest).

The second aspect that really bothers me is the lacking of spirituality that I used to associate with Shabbos. I am no longer at the stage of life that I can daven a leisurely shacharis (tbh there are days when I don't even manage brachos). Our shabbos meals are pretty hard, I'm not going to lie. Firstly, it's basically a 3-ring circus. My kids literally do not stop talking lol. And it's hard to find it enjoyable when it's so noisy I can't hear myself think - bH healthy, good noise, but constant noise nonetheless. (This past week, I'm not kidding, I actually brought earplugs to the table. After I had settled everyone with all their food, drink etc I announced that my earplugs are going in and I'm not answering any questions until I'm finished my piece of chicken. I literally just want to be able to eat one drumstick without having to stop after each bite to answer 17 "But Mommy"s! LOL

YES my dh is very helpful but somehow it's always, "Mommy!" not "Tatty"!)

The kids obviously have no patience to sit at the table, as soon as they're finished their food they're off. DH has never been super into saying divrei Torah - in the early days of our marriage he did make an effort for me, but these days I have no idea how he'd even get a word in edgewise if he did make the effort! Sometimes we do zemiros, but I have to initiate it, and even then, its usually me singing and dh attending to everyone's million and one questions and other needs (if you thought you could get through a 3 minute song with no pressing questions, you've never met my kids)

My baby is up til late (extended witching hours) so Friday night 'bonding' TMI

for us is basically off the table these days, and he finds it so tiring with the kids home for so many hours before shabbos, late seuda etc he has no interest in chatting etc.
He also sleeps literally all Shabbos afternoon, again if I asked him to let's say take over looking after the kids for a bit (and I do) he would do it readily, but I wish he would either use the time to bond with all of us as a family, like take a walk or whatever, or do something spiritual for himself - but he does do avos ubanim with my oldest.

Basically, Shabbos has become a day where I just try to keep my sanity, and dh sleeps to get through the day, and we somehow manage to make it to the other side each week. I really, really would love some tips on how to improve it. Honestly, what I used to love about Shabbos was the serenity, the peace, just being able to breathe after a hard week. These days it's anything but peaceful, due to the adorable but very noisy miniature people in my life.

If you got this far and have any tips, I'd love to hear them!! Very Happy

Lucky Princess

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 9:34 am

Feed them before the zman and put then to bed after candle lighting. This works for me. I promise them a pekeleh and put in exciting stuff. When they wake up its on the table waiting for them. Sometimes my 9 year old joins bc he cant resist the goodies. You get the peaceful friday nights then you'll have more patience for shabbos day. Hope this is helpful.
Let them help you make the pekele to make it more exciting. If that works for you. Hug

PinkFridge

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 9:49 am

Hugs. I'll just pull out one point here: For YEARS I davened a very abridged davening. You will get back to longer davening one day, really, beH, at the right time.

lamplighter

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 9:59 am

Shabbos with lots of little kids is often not that storybook picture of a day of rest we imagined.
To me a day of rest would be relaxing on a couch with a book or schmoozing with my DH. That's not my reality. Shabbos is not a day of rest for me, it's a day of family. I noticed the more kid oriented I make my day the less chaotic it is and the less frustrated I become.
Shabbos meals are short. Parsha questions have candies given out for answering. Kid friendly food that they help me make. No dvar torahs from DH just a story sometimes. Getting on the floor and playing games with them. And lots of divide and conquer with my husband.
Sometimes having guests changes us the dynamics a bit too.

amother

Mintgreen

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 10:07 am

My kids are big & little & I never enjoyed Shabbos with kids till recently
Here are some tiny tips
1. If you are an introvert get yourself a good book & do find pockets of time to read all by yourself. Even if it’s 30 min a Shabbos
2. Is there anyone you can hire Shabbos morning that can take kids out after breakfast to the park ? Mother’s helper ? Cleaning lady ?
This breaks up the morning & you can take small nap while kids are out.
3. Ask husband to make a teeeny tiny scar Torah at every meal .
Ours is like 1 min long . But at least kids know the routine & knows that’s what we do at every meal & that’s what a Shabbos meal looks like . Low pressure about food & kids seating but just tell them they have to be around when there is dvar Torah .
4. This is something I didn’t do with my boys growing up , but now doing with my girls & I think it really does help .
Teach kids to play board games . It’s provides structure for Shabbos afternoon & eventually teaches kids how to occupy themselves
5. Shabbos afternoon… this is what personally works for us… Make kids nap Shabbos afternoon. Even if they don’t nap at that age during the week . Give them a chance to rest & you rest . Yes they will stay up late Motzei Shabbos . But so what ?
Let them watch Motzei Shabbos & have pizza . At least you get a break & don’t have to be “ on all day “
6. Offer Shabbos party after nap .
7. Split Shabbos afternoon w/ husband. Tell him something like you’ll take first 2 hours & he takes last
8. Before you know it it’s Shalosh seudos time
9. If you have older kids , encourage them to be around parts of the afternoons & have their friends over . It helps little kids to pass time
10. Keep your cooking very simple, so you don’t come exhausted to the meal Friday night
11. Make some kind of a system that kids take turns talking at the meal .
12. Have a cleaning lady come Motzei Shabbos or Sundays
Hope this helps !!

amother

Peachpuff

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 10:12 am

I agree with Lucky Princess
Feed them fully before
Even in the winter
With full tummies they are less likely to act up
And in the summer there’s nothing wrong to putting them to bed , sleeping by 7 also on Shabbos. You might need to wait until the late afternoon (when they are asleep for the night) to get your Menucha.

As far as Divre Torah - get a book that the kids will enjoy and have DH read from the book, and possibly discuss.
Personally I like the 39 Malachos book or the little Midrash says.

Songs- sing children songs with the kids
Let them suggest it.

What are your kids ages? How old is your baby?

amother

Pink

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 10:31 am

A few tricks we used with young kids:
-Older kid, the shabbos totty, makes Kiddush for the rest of them before shabbos. Kids eat and go to sleep at their regular hour. Oldest ( couple of older kids) stay up for a part of seuda only.
-Play the quiet game at the table - everyone must keep quiet. First to talk is the loser. Can start over however many times you need.
-Make a specific time during the seuda when the kids can talk. Let's say before cholent they can tell you what they learned about parsha.
-A rest hour on shabbos ( when the baby's napping) - kids stay in they beds for an hour. They don't have to sleep, can read or play something quietly without talking to siblings or coming out. You should be able to get about 30 min nap time in that hour.
-Daven with the kids whatever they daven in school.
Good luck

amother

Mocha

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 10:44 am

I just want to tell you, this stage does pass eventually!
I used to feel the same way as you did- that Shabbos is the hardest day of the week!- and I used to wonder what I was doing wrong....
Now my oldest set are teens (and while we are emotionally busy with issues) Shabbos is definitely more restful....

amother

Midnight

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 11:56 am

amother Mocha wrote:

I'm also past this stage.
I'm grateful that there's one thing my kids tell me and that's that things seemed pretty calm and upbeat erev Shabbos. Funny I don't remember things exactly that way but I know it wasn't that bad.
Bezras Hashem I hope your grownup kids someday share positive Shabbos memories.