Explaining legal names to kids

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 5:01 pm

For those who give legal names, how do you/would you explain that to a young child? My 4 year old heard me give the pediatrician her’s and her brother’s legal names and asked who I was talking about. I told her they each have two names, one Jewish name that we use everyday and one not-Jewish name that we only use sometimes (not sure how to explain “legal” to a 4 year old). She asked why she had to have two names and I said “because Daddy wanted you to have a name that doesn’t sound Jewish.” And then she started to cry that she only wants a Jewish name because she’s Jewish. I tried to reassure her that she’s Jewish and her Jewish name is the only one we care about, but I’m wondering if there’s a better way to do this. My husband said I should have just said “lots of people have two names - mommy has two and so do grandma and grandpa,” but that doesn’t actually answer the question she asked. The best alternative I could come up with was “Daddy wanted you to have two names because he’s only got one and wishes he had 2,” which is truly what it boiled down to, that he didn’t like sticking out at work, but that seems obviously petty. Help?

amother

Hunter

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 5:09 pm

In general I wouldn't say 'Daddy wanted' rather 'we decided'.

Good above re easier for non-Jews to pronounce.

However re work etc it is normally possible to come up with a 'nickname' if a person is uncomfortable using their Jewish name.

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 5:15 pm

I rarely use the term "non-jews" to explain anything. Because a) it condescending and b) my decisions are not based on other people. I gave my kids legal names so they have options.my kids know they all have "English" names in addition to their Hebrew names. In any case, for my kids the English names are simply the English pronunciation of their names so no explanation is necessary.

amother

Honeysuckle ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 5:29 pm

I intentionally only give my kids Jewish names, as their legal name too. I'm raising them with pride in their Jewish name instead of feeling like they have to have a name nonJews will like better or pronounce better.

amother

Aster

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 5:35 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

I just say "Hebrew name" and "English name"

This is what we say. And we specifically chose english names that are very similar to their hebrew names, think David and we call them Dovid.
My dh was given both his hebrew names legally and think very jewish and with 'ch' and other difficult to pronounce sounds, so he said he wants to give names that are pronounceable and easy to spell.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 6:08 pm

sequoia wrote:

I find this so weird. First, to intentionally give a completely different legal name; then, to explain it in such a negative fashion.

Are Sara and Sara *different names*?

I didn’t think of it as being negative, which is why I’m asking for better options since it clearly didn’t land well. DH felt very strongly that they should have normal American names that don’t come off as Jewish, so both kids have very WASPY legal names (William, Shepherd, Eleanor and Claire were some of our top choices), so it’s not like one is just the English equivalent of their Hebrew names.

↑ sequoia

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 6:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

But why? David, Jacob, Sara, and Rachel ARE “normal American names”! And no one is called Shepherd anymore, not even in Connecticut.

Did your husband have a reason for preferring these WASPy names?

amother

Zinnia ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 6:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

Biblical names actually are trendy in WASPY circles for the past several years.

amother

Hawthorn

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 6:50 pm

All my kids have English names. My husbands request. He and his brothers grew up with both, my family did not even though we have very Jewish double names. My 2 oldest hate having legal names, they like their Jewish name bh and are upset we gave them legal names that are different and have nothing to do with their hebrew name. (my son who he is named after had the same English name. My daughter, I just made one up. It's funny bc they all went to MO school where most kids went by English names but they tell everyone , all their teachers and doctors to call them by their Hebrew name. I wish I can change it at this point but its a real pain!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 7:09 pm

sequoia wrote:

Shepherd/Shep is actually pretty popular with the WASP set where we live.

There are several reasons : 1) like I mentioned, he has a very Jewish name with no nickname and it drives him insane to have people constantly mispronouncing it or commenting on it. He gives my name for orders and such.
2) fear of antisemitism/holocaust trauma.” They can’t round up your kids if they can’t tell they’re Jewish on the paperwork” kind of thing. He says this is a Chofetz Chaim thing and several friends did it as well, but I’m not from a Chofetz Chaim background so I can’t confirm.
3) We didn’t want to give their Hebrew names and then give a totally separate Hebrew name as the English name. Both kids’ first Hebrew names are from his family and their second Hebrew names are ones that I chose for the meaning, so picking a Hebrew name like David, Sara, etc. just because it sounded good in English wasn’t really an option.

amother

↑ Honeysuckle ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 7:13 pm

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

And to add to this, my husband was always slightly hesitant about that because he has a bit of an unusual Jewish name and found people's struggles to pronounce it annoying, but after Oct 7, he was very firm that we're only giving Jewish names, like I felt all along. He felt now more than ever how important it is to live as a proud Jew, and never let the world make us feel like we need to hide or apologize.

amother

Tomato

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 7:17 pm

I'd say the legal/English name is what it says on your birth certificate and what is used in the doctors office and those kinds of places.
Why?
Cuz its easier and simpler and more easily recognizable to most people who don't know about jewish names.
You can also tell her that if she wants when she gets older she can always change it to her jewish name.