I can’t give you sympathy

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 8:55 pm

I dont know how to kindly tell a colleague that I just can’t give her the sympathy she’s looking for.

She’s always kvetching, about the weather, how a coworkers lunch smells, how she’s not losing weight fast enough, the neighbors kids were chutzpadik etc etc.

It’s exhausting listening to her, especially when I just want to do my work! I’m not interested in shmoozing especially not such negative talk.

She’ll complain that she doesn’t have enough money to fix her fridge, but then tell me about all the toys and books she bought her kids. I helped her out when she was in a tight spot and utilities were going to get shut off, the next week she told me about a concert she took her kids to (no, the tix weren’t gifted to her).

She’s looking for me to sympathize with her, to kvetch with her, but I just can’t do it. I feel so negative towards her.

Problem is that I’m working with her on a project for the next few weeks, so I can’t just distance myself from her.

Is there any polite way to tell her to sh*ut up?!

amother

Bisque

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 9:08 pm

I feel for you. I work in a branch of human services (not therapy, but similar) and I find that listening to excessive whining drains me, even as I find helping people fulfilling. I find ways to recover/rejuvenate throughout the day so I don’t become too cranky. It’s hard.

It’s especially rough if you have to work together on something and can’t take space for yourself. Do you have a lot of tact?

Cheiny

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 9:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

Some people just need to dump on others and try to get sympathy. Do you ever respond? You shouldn’t. If she doesn’t get the payoff she’s looking for she’ll eventually stop. It’s hard to listen to because sometimes we take it in so you have to try to just tune it out and not even respond. Try to change the subject or better yet, say you need to focus on your work. She’ll eventually get the hint.

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 9:18 pm

amother Tealblue wrote:

For the future, don’t help her with anything monetary wise.

Oh definitely not! After I heard about the concert that was it.

But I wish I could tell her how her frivolous spending is impacting her life. A mother who isnt stressed about her fridge is a much better mother than one who takes her kids to a one off concert.

chanatron1000

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 10:16 am

If someone doesn't take hints, try just saying literally what you mean. In this case, it would be "I don't feel like schmoozing right now. Can we please focus on work?" There are downsides to being too blunt, but when someone genuinely doesn't get your signals, you're not doing them any favors by continuing to hint.

Being subtle can end up making them feel even more hurt, as they feel the negativity but don't know what you want from them. In fact, when you're trying to hint to someone that you need space, you can end up with them getting the vibe there's something wrong going on but taking it the wrong way and trying to get closer to you.