Why do I reject him and can't just love him?

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 12:10 pm

What can I do about it? I feel so bad for him and guilty. While his younger brother I love all the way. I for sure fake it but not always successful. I was kind of absent mom until he was prob three. I was clueless I was missing something and was a technical mom. Food clothing entertainment but no relationship communicating connecting singing talking... Don't recall hugging or kissing maybe I did rarely when he did something adorable. Don't remember though. Brother was born and don't know if it was awareness I was finally picking up, or maybe it was me digging deeper why there is an asd concern with him and realized I wasn't connecting ever to him, or his brother that was just different and demanding from birth that I connect. I did have this eye opening realization and changed drastically. But still have to fake to my now five year old. Physically feel rejection. Don't like to sleep with him or when he comes onto my lap and hate to physically love him hug him kiss him... Ihe triggers me so easily because I don't love him...while his brother just the opposite. No issue doing all the mother stuff.. Love to cuddle hug sleep with him...I fake it to his brother but pity him. Almost feel like he's not my real child cause how can that be? What's wrong with me and what can I do about it? If it makes a difference, feel the same towards my asd husband. Fake my interest and love to him and can't stand him physically.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 1:05 pm

I have one child who I don't connect to very well emotionally. He's actually the most adorable looks wise, and he has a sweet personality, he was a calm natured baby and I actually was worried people would favor him over the others, but in the end I found I wasn't naturally drawn to him. I make a very conscious effort to show him love and affection all the time, and I don't think he'll know any different. I do love him of course, but it's different, not the same intensity - I think it's just a personality clash. Could it just be that your oldest is a different personality that you find it hard to connect to?

amother

Coffee

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 1:07 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

you’re kidding yourself if you don’t think your child will pick up on it one day you need to work on yourself to feel that genuine connection and if you can’t do that, that’s where therapy could be helpful. Please don’t encourage others to not seek help when they clearly need it.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 2:45 pm

This sounds like you had ppd with him. He’s a reminder to how you felt at the time. You should be screened to make sure you no longer have because it can last 5 years if untreated. And also go to therapy to work through your feelings.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 2:46 pm

amother Ecru wrote:

I’m so sorry, that must be so hard for both you and him!

I’m gonna suggest something crazy, take it or leave it but if I was you I’d appreciate this advice: [illegal suggestion removed - mod]

This is dangerous. You don’t take things while watching your kids. And besides it’s fake and is gone when it wears it off, it’s ridiculous advice.

amother

Ecru

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 3:18 pm

amother Kiwi wrote:

This is dangerous. You don’t take things while watching your kids. And besides it’s fake and is gone when it wears it off, it’s ridiculous advice.

Obviously not while watching your kids. Have you ever tried it? It doesn’t seem like you have experience.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 3:21 pm

amother Ecru wrote:

Obviously not while watching your kids. Have you ever tried it? It doesn’t seem like you have experience.

At what point in your life are you not watching kids? And how does anything you feel while high as a kite help you in real life? You sound like you take it too often and have lost the plot of real life.

amother

NeonBlue

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 3:24 pm

does this child by any chance have asd too? I have this with my asd child. I had a really hard time connecting with him. because there is no emotional reciprocation I.e. didn't smile back, laugh, rejected hugs and snuggles ect, the natural motherly feeling was not there. I noticed this pattern in my children who were later diagnosed with asd vs my neurotypical ones. I felt soooo guilty( and still do!) about it, but once I recognized this peice it gave me perspective. it's a lot of self work!!!

amother

Beige

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 3:27 pm

OP, remember that besides being your son, all of us are created in G-d's image. He is tzelem Elokim, and just for that, you should try hard to love him.

Maybe create a diary and every day that he does something admirable you write ir down and that will remind yourself how special he is! Could be anything, like said Shema, did netilat yadayim, was nice to his sibling, and the love will grow.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 3:31 pm

amother Coffee wrote:

Where did I say she shouldn't get help? I think seeing it as a personality clash gives insight that can actually be helpful. Obviously I've worked on this, what exactly would look different about your way of working on it? I love my son, I just don't connect at the same depth and have to make up for it. I'm a very emotional and affectionate person so I'm pretty sure even he is getting plenty of love. It's just more hard work for me with that relationship, it comes less naturally.

amother

Ecru

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 3:31 pm

amother Kiwi wrote:

Have you not heard of babysitters?
Again, it seems like you’ve never tried it. I was trying to help OP, take it or leave it.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 3:34 pm

amother Ecru wrote:

Have you not heard of babysitters?
Again, it seems like you’ve never tried it. I was trying to help OP, take it or leave it.

No I face my issues head on. I think being high is no different than doing any other destructive behavior to escape real life. It’s just a cop out.

amother

Olive

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 3:40 pm

amother NeonBlue wrote:

Yes yes yes. All of this.

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:21 pm

amother Kiwi wrote:

no ppd at all. Easy birth and post partum.