Bullied for our apartment?!

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:20 pm

My son came home today and said he is being teased that he lives in an apartment. Everyone else (besides 1 other kid) has a house. So odd to me as my other kids have classes where most are in apartments.

I tried explaining to him I would love to buy a home but it isn't possible right now. I empathized and validated him, told him I understand.

My son is friendly, smart, and creative. A mensch. Not someone who deserves this kind of pain.

Whoever is teaching their kids that it is ok to bully and tease other kids (or isn't actively teaching them to be kind and respect differences) I have no words.

Actually I have plenty of words for you but I am trying to not cause anyone else pain. I don't want to send curses your way, wish your kids pain, or wish you lose your income and have to live in an apartment... but know you hurt my kid. And I can't fix it.

I know you aren't responsible for your kids 100% but this often comes from the home. Kids hear you talk bad about others. Demean their car. Priorities you talk about. And yes I have heard you dear moms elaborate on materialism and externals. Clothes you buy. Cars you drive. How many rooms your home has...

wife101

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am sorry your son had to go through that.

amother

Moonstone

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:34 pm

I'm so sorry, that's so painful to watch your child go thru.

My nephew (who incidentally lives in quite a large home, bh) told his mother that he's so jealous of my son (who lives in an apt building) because we have so many floors in our house and we have so many neighbors. Lol

Just to give your son a little perspective.

amother

Honey

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thanks. People just don't realize that their personal focus on externals imparts a lesson on their kids who then use it to look down on others, tease them, make them feel horrible...

OP, I agree. We live in an old rental and my kids have gotten comments from classmates. It's so sad.

amother

Slateblue ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thanks. People just don't realize that their personal focus on externals imparts a lesson on their kids who then use it to look down on others, tease them, make them feel horrible...

That is so sad

And yes I agree a constant focus on externals teaches kids bad bad middos

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:46 pm

Hugs op!
Try to see if you can build up your children and make them feel proud of what they have.
Give them a comeback answer: We live in an apartment by choice. / We know many millionaires that don't want to own their own house / We are lucky, if something breaks it's not our issue etc../ none of our kids are ever afraid to be home alone / we don't have to sleep alone in our rooms when it's scary /

amother

Blush

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 10:16 pm

There are some very mean kids out there.
My daughter’s school is running a Charidy campaign right now. And one bratty kid keeps bragging that her parents brought in the most money so far.
Yay!!! You’re rich. You have rich friends. Good for you.

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 3:03 am

amother Floralwhite wrote:

So I taught him comebacks for the other issues but honestly can't come up with anything for an apartment that won't get him teased more. Any age appropriate ones for 10-11 year olds? They shouldn't be "scared". They don't care about costs to fix things and even if they even knew about it their parents can afford it easily.

mummiedearest

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 3:24 am

amother OP wrote:

I know a kid who used to beg her parents to move to an apartment at that age. Her family lived in a house, but she was jealous that her friends took elevators every day just to get home.

The best response to any teasing is not to be bothered by it. If the teasing is really obnoxious, throw in some condescension. I taught one of my kids to look down her nose at such classmates. Practice a really good bored expression and tone of voice. “That’s all you have to tease me about? So sad.” Then walk away. Your son won’t be bothered if the other kid isn’t getting a satisfying response.

tweety1

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 3:54 am

Op, that's incredibly painful. I wonder whether or not my kids would even know the difference. Why is it even a discussion between kids? They are obviously hearing this from the parents. Why are parents talking to children about this? Just dumb.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 5:41 am

amother Silver wrote:

Call the school the need to have a talk with the kids about not bullying and mocking others.

How about appreciating that we all have different riches. I am willing to bet OPs children have something in abundance the other boys in his class dont have....

OP I am so sorry your son has to learn about people like this, at such a tender age.

Can you steer him towards friends with better middos?

amother

Whitesmoke

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 5:51 am

We talk about this at home- driven by the children who sometimes complain that they want to live in a house like their friends.
We use it as a teaching moment - what are the pluses and minuses about living in an apartment v house (high up view, check out the trees and birds, great view of airplanes, cosy home, easy/less to tidy up, close neighbours to play with downstairs/upstairs etc.)
And then also talk about how in some places it is normal to all live in apartments (most of Israel, Paris/European cities)
And then about finances - if we lived in a house we would need more money to pay bills which would mean mommy/daddy working longer hours and spending less time with them, explaining how this is actually a deliberate choice to live in an apartment for us.

And acknowledge their feelings and help them work through it and come to an understanding that there are positive and negative aspects of life choices and this is what we have chosen at the moment but that things might change. Share this with them so they understand- this is all learning about life and so much more nuanced than "house better than apartment"

These are the rich conversations we have, even before we get to the aspects about how to talk to other people and social behavior which is what they are learning in their own age.

It is so wonderful to be able to work through all of this in an age appropriate way. Turn this into a positive

imaima

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 7:11 am

amother OP wrote:

This is so painful.

amother

Magenta

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 8:39 am

Just so you get where I’m coming from, I was your son when I was growing up, the only kid living in the apartment while everyone else was in a house.
BUT I don’t agree that blaming the parents is ok. Any normal kid at that age picks up on this. And it sounds like you think the same way these parents do-
you say you’d love to move- kids are smart, they know that saying that implies a house is preferable.
It doesn’t take much in the materialistic sense for kids to realize a house is preferred.
Happens to be, I also thought kids made fun. In retrospect, their comments were just that- factual comments like “let’s get together at Miriam instead of you bc she lives in a house” I took as an insult.
But really often it was just a fact, the house had more space to play etc.
It’s so hard to watch your kids suffer, especially when you wish you can give him something different.

justforfun87

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 9:01 am

I grew up my entire life in Baltimore in an apartment. I didn't know a single other person who lived in an apartment and I went to a very wealthy day school where 16 yr olds would drive their Mercedes to school. Yes, I was embarrassed about it but I really believe these things shape you into a better person. I have grown into an adult who doesn't really judge others (I try not to at least), I lack the desire for materialism, I am THRILLED with my average size house, I feel no pressure to match my kids etc etc.
Even now I had a sleepover and a "rich" girl came over and mocked our old original "disgusting" bathroom. I told my kids that we should feel bad for her that she acts like this.