Did your impossible child get happily married?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 6:43 am

amother DarkPurple wrote:

I was that child, and yes I am bh happily married.

AFTER finishing school, where I was miserable, I found a job, a couple side jobs, starting opening my mind, my world view, helping people, tutoring, babysitting for family friends (for cheap).... after a couple years in the work force, I became mature, responsible, and I enjoyed giving/doing for others.

Only then was I able to get married. I dated before but bh none of those worked out because it would not have been a happy marriage.

So inspiring

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 6:48 am

amother Midnight wrote:

I can relate as a parent, one of my kid’s personality sounds so similar…

Can I ask what boundaries you had to set with your daughter? Did they work? What did you do if she didn’t listen?

Thank you!

Our therapist recommended we choose 3 or 4 boundaries to be strict about, eg not cursing, attending school, and consequences for us are either taking time away from being on technology or docking her pocket money by $5 per infringement.

BH these have worked.

Choosing a few boundaries shows we are in control without us moaning at her ALL THE TIME.

Hatzlocha, I hope this can help you.

amother

↑ Amaryllis

Today at 7:11 am

amother OP wrote:

This is intriguing! Please explain to me what was going through your head when you were being impossible? Did you gain a self awareness as you grew older to get you to a point of realizing your behavior was unacceptable? Did you ever apologize to your parents for what you put them through?

What was going through my head?
Um, not sure... I had a very turbulent teenagerhood- my parents had (have) bad shalom bayis which affected me the most as the oldest, I basically parented myself and my siblings because my mother was checked out and my father was too in a different way, I also had hormonal imbalances which at times gave me crazy mood swings, I was depressed for all of tenth grade and some of eleventh- I got therapy but quit because I hated the therapist...
The impossibleness I think came because of personality clashes with my parents. My mother is the opposite of me so she couldn't understand me, and I am a carbon copy of my father so he couldn't stand me. It definitely wasnt on purpose, it was just me feeling super misunderstood and alone.
I did great in camp and seminary- any setting away from home. After seminary I traveled constantly, flew in for every wedding and spent many shabbosim away from home- I was searching for a healthy stable environment.
Yes I gained self awareness as I grew older. Emotional regulation is still a struggle for me but I have really worked on it. I bh have a great marriage and my husband is super understanding. sadly I do sometimes lash out at him when I am overwhelmed or stressed but then once I am regulated I can explain what I was feeling and I apologize. Does that count for anything? Its really not often that that happens.
No I never apologized for what I put my parents through. They put me through hell.

amother

↑ OP

Today at 8:39 am

amother Amaryllis wrote:

Thank you so much for sharing this deeply personal and painful part of your life, which you have managed to mostly break away from and triumph over. I feel sick to hear about what you went through and am not surprised that you were not ok under those circumstances.

I'm filled with hope that you found a wonderful husband and are in a much better place now. Even your outbursts are few and far between and yes, it counts for a lot that you immediately acknowledge what you've done and apologize. You sound extremely self aware and healthy.

amother

Red ↓

Today at 10:10 am

amother OP wrote:

We see an educational psychologist but really I think any type of therapist would work as long as they have insight into your situation, experience with those kinds of children and the ability to provide practical tools for you to implement.

I hate to say this and it's awful to be blamed when trying your hardest in a tough situation, but sometimes our misguided parenting CAN exacerbate the situation. Certainly our permissiveness due to thinking our daughter needed space, ADDED to her dysfunction. We were taught how actually it was boundaries she needed to contain her.

Are you in NY a state? Where did you find your therapist? I need this help.