Are you supposed to feed guests on Friday?

amother

↑ Crocus ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:39 am

amother cornflower wrote:

Some have a long drive & get car sick if eating in the car.
It's obviously not an obligation to prep food for Friday afternoon, but it is a nice thing to do.
And doesn't your own family eat on Friday afternoon? If you feed your family, you feed the guests the same food.

My kids have lunch at school. DH and I have lunch at work.

In the winter no further meals are needed before shabbos dinner. If someone is feeling munchy they take a fruit. In summer I have something very basic available. Sometimes everyone gets a piece of schnitzel. Sometimes it's a small bowl of pasta. Sometimes it's a tin of franks in blanks. Or cut up veggies and hummus. But it's not a meal. It's a little something to hold them over.

The pressure of needing to provide a meal to people upon arrival to the house is not something I'm interested in unless it's necessary. (It's not just having the extra food available, it's having to serve it and clean up, and making space around a tiny kitchen table because the dining room is already set for shabbos). So like I said, if you've traveled very far by plane of course I am going to stretch myself and make sure you have something nice to eat. But if you drove an hour or so, please be an adult and figure something out for yourselves. It just isn't a fair expectation.

↑ Simple1

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:43 am

amother Tealblue wrote:

What does your family eat on Friday? Not to mention long fridays in the summer?
We eat kugel, cholent, cold cuts and whatever else is available and considered toyamehu. That’s what I feed my guests too and that’s what I generally get fed when being hosted by family.

My kids are old enough to handle their own Friday meals but I always kept it simple - sandwiches, frozen pizza. Then they have a good appetite for the heartier Shabbos meal.

amother

Hyacinth

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:44 am

amother cornflower wrote:

What does your family eat on Fridays?
You don't have to serve a meal. But having something hot ready is nice. And not everyone can eat in the car without getting sick.
If you'd host your parents/in laws, you'd also expect them to eat in the car?

I buy fresh challa rolls for us and the kids to have for lunch on Fridays.
I guess I'd just get a bunch more, and put out with a dip maybe. My kids also have some nice cake or biscuits.

↑ giftedmom ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:44 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

Getting out of the house with kids is stressful. Hosting a whole family for a Shabbos is more stressful. Maybe grab some food from your fridge before you leave so that the host who is running around her house getting everything ready doesn't also have to feed a whole family another meal before Shabbos.

Like I said, don’t be a martyr. If you can’t host without letting people starve then don’t host.

notshanarishona

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:45 am

If you are not planning on giving them lunch I think you should tell them in advance so they can stop for lunch before coming. Most restaurants are closed before Shabbos and if they were expecting food you will leave them little options.

amother

Snapdragon

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:47 am

giftedmom wrote:

Like I said, don’t be a martyr. If you can’t host without letting people starve then don’t host.

That would be a shame to limit hosting to people who can’t handle Friday lunch. I appreciate people who have had us for Shabbos and never expected a meal on Friday afternoon.

amother

↑ SandyBrown

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:48 am

It may be a bit different from OP’s situation, but when my in-laws come, I always prepare and set out dried fruit and nuts, chocolate, chumus and crackers. My fil is a nosher and this makes him very happy. Otherwise, he starts looking around and may open anything he finds, which used to bother me. I learned to be prepared and this does the trick. He feels welcomed and I feel like I’m not being a bad hostess.

amother

↑ Crocus ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:49 am

giftedmom wrote:

Like I said, don’t be a martyr. If you can’t host without letting people starve then don’t host.

That's not really a fair statement.
I am a hostess who puts out copious amounts of food at shabbos meals, plus always has fresh fruit and cakes and nosh available to her guests. The fact that I don't have a plan to take on an additional meal pre-Shabbos does not mean I starve my guests.

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:49 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't mind hosting, I actually host a lot but the Friday thing throws me off. Friday my house is hectic and busy, I'm hosting for shabbos not for Friday afternoon. I have fruit and cheese and snacks available but I don't want to have to think about it and honestly I like people out of my kitchen on Friday while I'm cooking or cleaning it up.
Is this obnoxious?
Someone bad mouthed me to another relative that when they came for shabbos, I didn't feed them on Friday. Happens to be I was making shabbos Sheva Brochos as a huge favor and hosting this family, was given no help physically or financially, it was a short Friday, and they came early. My kitchen was chaos, I was busy and non stop moving and all of a sudden 10 people were in my kitchen looking to be fed. I think I handed them some random snacks and asked them to please stay out of the kitchen.
I was shocked at the rudeness but they considered me a horrible host.
I'm curious about this.

Was this party of ten family of yours? How early did they come? Did you set a time for them to when they should arrive?
All this cooks down to lack of communication.
If I was in your shoes I would have given them the random snacks as you did.
The sheva brachot Shabbos, was that for your family or non-family?

amother

↑ DarkPurple ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:51 am

How did the subject change to Friday lunch? Of course, if people are staying at my house at lunchtime, I would feed them lunch. And if they came Thursday night, I'd feed them dinner Thursday, and breakfast and lunch Friday.

I thought this thread was about feeding someone mid-to-late Friday afternoon, well after lunch, but before the Shabbos meal.

amother

Waterlily

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:51 am

I get home from work 3pm so often my guest will get to my house before me on these short Fridays. I just tell them there's pizza in the freezer feel free to heat up a slice or 2 that's it. There's no fresh hot potato kugel etc. It's hard enough to have Shabbos ready let alone feed people friday

↑ giftedmom ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:51 am

amother Snapdragon wrote:

That would be a shame to limit hosting to people who can’t handle Friday lunch. I appreciate people who have had us for Shabbos and never expected a meal on Friday afternoon.

Not everyone is like you. Your next best option would be to discuss it beforehand. But what op did was not mentchlich sorry

↑ giftedmom ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:55 am

amother Crocus wrote:

I hope your guests agree

↑ Reality ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:55 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

Don't we want to treat all guests well, no matter who they are?
Treating someone well is having them over all Shabbos! No one should expect to be fed a meal on Friday afternoon

Of course we want to treat all of our guests well. I was just saying who do I usually have and quite frankly, who most people usually host. It's our family. Why would I want my nieces and nephews, cousins etc. be hungry in my home? It is irrelevant if they should have eaten earlier. Many times, people are hungry. I have had guests turn down the food. That is fine too.

amother

↑ DarkPurple

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:56 am

OP gave them snacks. Sounds fine to me. My husband and I were hosted overnight for Shabbos many times before we became frum, and I don't remember anyone offering a hot meal of kugel, cholent, schnitzel or deli roll at 4pm. Cake, a drink, a snack, sure. But not a separate meal. Maybe this is an in-town vs. out of town difference?

↑ giftedmom ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:57 am

amother DarkPurple wrote:

I have a feeling it’s a Hungarian vs non-Hungarian difference.
IDK but my Hungarian brain just cannot comprehend this thread

amother

Banana ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:59 am

Wow! All these threads are making me want to stop hosting. I find it to be somewhat difficult and generally do it as a favor, when asked to put people up (not for my own pleasure), but now I’m wondering if we are actually doing anyone a favor after all, since we can’t check all the boxes to meet everyone’s expectations.

ETA: Wondering why people keep asking us, though

amother

Viola

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:01 am

On occasions when dh, kids and I are being hosted by relatives, I always make sure to have something for the kids to munch ahead of time. I also make sure to eat something for myself so that we don't arrive starving. I don't want my kids (or myself) to be hungry and cranky or too greedy at the Friday night meal. But I've never expected any hosts to solve this problem for me. We live 1-2 hours drive away from most relatives.