S/o potching with explosive children

amother

↑ Plum ↓

Yesterday at 8:29 pm

amother PlumPink wrote:

Plumpink this was so raw and real. My child is much younger but I’m afraid of a future where this could get worse. Besides the rage, what other signs of ASD were there? Mine doesn’t seem to have ASD or ADHD. Just rage. And the rest of the time she is really sweet and wonderful but when she gets triggered…. Yes I’ve also locked myself with my other kids in a room while she is destructive. But it’s hard to get her to stop.

ETA: I meant Plum! I quoted myself by mistake!

So much of it has been choosing my battles.

Giving waaaay more screen time than I would prefer, and not taking away as a punishment.

Because when I did take away screen time, he would completely lose control. He would get violent toward his siblings. He would follow me from room to room screaming. He once was tantruming so hard that he punched through a glass window pane, and only that pain and shock got him to stop. And I just calmly and quietly picked glass out of my 5’10”, 150lb 14-year-old’s hand as he sobbed like a toddler.

I’m sure BestBubby and the like would tell me I was raising an abusive husband, a terrorist, a monster. (Hi there, if you’ve found this thread 👋. You’re a permanent voice in my head now, my therapist knows about you. It hurts to have you around in my head but you’ve got your roots in deep. I try to remember you’re trying to be helpful, but you don’t live in my house. You will never know or love my kids like I do.)

But that’s how he is slowly learning what it feels like to be in control of his emotions and reactions to things. I have to be okay with dropping my pride and self image of what a “good mom” looks like and give my child what he needs. I don’t insist on him going to shul, I don’t police his homework, I don’t make him eat what I’ve made for supper.

And that saves the confrontations for the things that matter. I have more energy and patience to deal with it, and I think he does too, because he isn’t in a constant state of fight-or-flight.

I don’t know what else to say. It’s still a journey and I don’t feel especially wise or wonderful. I’m just doing the best I can.

amother

↑ Butterscotch ↓

Yesterday at 8:56 pm

amother Plum wrote:

Some children need their screens to regulate themselves. There are adults like that too. It's okay to give your child what HE needs, not what people think he should need.

Keep fighting the judgmental voices in your head. You deserve to be compassionate to yourself, and to your son. Remember that there are many other mothers who have acquired wisdom the hard way out there, silently cheering you on.

amother

↑ Plum

Yesterday at 8:57 pm

amother Butterscotch wrote:

Thank you so much, this really really means a lot to me 🫂

amother

DarkOrange ↓

Yesterday at 9:00 pm

I don't believe in potching at all. However, I have an explosive child. If she gets upset, she can get completely out of control, destroying things around her and hurting people. Sometimes the only way to get her to stop in the moment is with a potch. (Not terribly hard or painful.) Always feel terribly guilty after, but she usually cries for a minute or two and then calms down and becomes her adorable self again. I think they need something to give them a little shock back into normalcy.

amother

↑ Butterscotch ↓

Yesterday at 9:03 pm

amother DarkOrange wrote:

I'm saying there are ways to give a shock to their nervous system without potching. You don't have to hurt them to calm them down.

amother

DarkRed

Yesterday at 9:32 pm

I use ice cubes a lot to help my child, he holds a bag with a few ice cubes when he goes to sleep, etc but in the moment of a massive tantrum, he's not interested, and if I force it he gets even more angry.
It's such a hard thing, when he's logical we can have discussions etc, when he gets angry he will destroy the house, abuse siblings and parents physically, holding blocking only works so far.
He's 9.
Sometimes a pinch (not sure how it started ) works to stop him and then we can start regulating him.
I really don't believe in pitching, I don't even find that it works usually, but in this specific case it has helped

amother

Vermilion

Yesterday at 10:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

If you have a higher needs child, explosive child etc, I’m wondering if you potch and if you think it’s effective?

I have a child with adhd and anxiety (potentially ocd, that’s something we are looking into now). She is explosive, extreme, moody, demanding, etc. there are frequent meltdowns, hurled insults, yelling at siblings and parents, occasional physical fight but bH not often. She is also wonderful and capable and loving and talented, and so much more, but for the sake of this thread that’s not what we are discussing!

We don’t potch her, it’s not something we believe in at all. But on a different thread someone said that she has one child who needs to be parented that way and it received many likes. So I want to hear your thoughts! How do you parent your explosive child? What have you found to be affective?

This is specifically for the more extreme explosive children. Not highly special needs, and not typical children who occasionally act out as all kids do.

I found it backfired. So zero gain. Didn’t even snap them out they reacted as if a sibling attacked them in middle of their tantrum. I have not found what does work though.

amother

↑ Butterscotch

Yesterday at 11:00 pm

amother DarkOrange wrote:

I would love ideas, can you elaborate? all I saw was the cold water but honestly I think that would be way more painful for her than a light potch.

It might be more painful. It's not about the pain. It's about teaching effective skills and enhancing your relationship.

Look at it this way. If splashing cold water on her face works, would you like that to be a skill she uses on herself? If hitting her works, do you want her to start hitting herself?

The difference isn't in the level of physical pain but in the level of emotional damage. Gentle hitting does not damage kids physically but it damages them emotionally. Teaching self-regulation skills is what enhances then emotionally. I'm talking not about just short-term but about our long-term goals for our children.

But you can look for others. DBT has many ideas that work for all different types of dysregulation. And that your child can learn to manage her life going forward.