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-> Parenting our children
giftedmom
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 Yesterday at 7:29 am
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I probably would’ve done the same. Right or wrong, if a kid, especially one who’s old enough to know better, physically hurts me my automatic reaction is to hurt back.
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amother
Lightpink
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Yesterday at 8:56 am
Your dd sounds very dysregulated. Her reaction wasn't normal. I'm going to guess that parenting her on a daily basis is very, very, very hard on your nerves.
Smacking isn't good or healthy but your daughter needs help too.
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amother
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Yesterday at 9:06 am
| amother OP wrote: | My 7 year old came home exhausted from school and needed my attention. She asked me to cut up an apple for her but I was in the midst of breading chicken and told her I'll get to her in a min. She got mad and said she'll do it herself (using a butter knife). A min later I rinsed my hands and told her, okay, I'm ready to cut it up now, but she didn't let me, she was too angry and just continued struggling with the butter knife. So I continued back to my supper making. After struggling for a couple min she gave up and said, cut it up now! I told her "I was ready before, but now I'm once again busy, give me just another min (I know that here I could have prevented things from escalating by just dropping whatever I was doing, but I didn't).
So she started throwing a tantrum and was totally out of control. She was lying on the floor pinching my feet nonstop and banging her head into me. I stayed calm and continued whatever it was I was doing. Then she lifted my skirt to my thighs (I was wearing short socks). I don't know why but that triggered me terribly, and instantly gave her a strong smack on her face.
She was bawling so hard she couldn't breathe. For one because it came as a complete shock (I never hit) and two because it came so forcefully.
I. Feel. So. Guilty. My baby was watching and she too got hysterical. I feel like the worlds worst mom. I tried to talk to her several times, but she was too angry at me. Later when she was calm I told her I want to give her a kiss where I hurt her. I hugged her and said I love her and that was that.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I think I need to get it off my chest. I feel awful! |
You sounds like a very good mom who got extremely triggered, rightfully so.
I've learnt that the most important part of parenting is repair. This is where the kids learn very healthy emotional regulation and communication skills while keeping a healthy attachment with them.
Regarding preventing it in the future. I've realized that some days no matter what I'll do my kids will tantrum. It means they have an overload of emotions right beneath the surface waiting to come out. There's nothing you could have done to prevent her tantrum.
I would apologize for hurting her. I would explain that she absolutely cannot pick up my skirt. It is my private space that she cannot invade. I would also have a conversation about her day to find the emotion that needs to come out.
It's good that you're venting here so you could regulate yourself and then come back to her from a grounded place.
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amother
Marigold
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Yesterday at 9:11 am
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Was she evaluated? Tantruming and hurting you at 7 aren’t in the realm of normal.
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#BestBubby
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Yesterday at 9:26 am
| mommy3b2c wrote: | So by smacking children you are reaching them to not be violent ? Can’t say I really understand the logic .  |
Do you think a parent and child are equals?
How woke
Parents have the right and duty to punish.
Is a judge who puts a criminal in jail a kidnapper?
Is fining a speeder stealing?
Some people, like parents and government, have the authority to punish.
And children understand that.
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#BestBubby
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Yesterday at 9:28 am
| mommy3b2c wrote: | | So by smacking children you are reaching them to not be violent ? Can’t say I really understand the logic . |
You treat your children like equals?
Are your children allowed to drive, use knives, and cook because the parents are allowed?
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#BestBubby
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Yesterday at 9:29 am
| amother Marigold wrote: | | Was she evaluated? Tantruming and hurting you at 7 aren’t in the realm of normal. |
It is pretty normal for children who are allowed to hit their parents.
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Bnei Berak 10
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Yesterday at 9:31 am
| mommy3b2c wrote: | | 100% wrong . The shock will stay with her forever . The horrible trauma might be healed if her mom apologizes to her . AS SHE SHOULD! The mom was wrong , when we do something wrong we apologize. Her daughter should also apologize for what she did wrong but two wrongs don’t make a right . |
A one time smack will be remembered but I highly doubt it will be a *major trauma* for the rest of the life.
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piz1
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Yesterday at 9:34 am
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So you can all say I am from the old generation but being that I raised B"H a large family maybe my 2 cents is worth something. Apologising to a child for giving a smack has no origin in Yiddishkeit, contrary to the beliefs of our so called enlightened younger generation! Also giving the actual smack is NOT a crime as so many of you seem to believe. When this generation are raising teenagers who have endless entitlement and mental health issues maybe its time to rethink what is the cause. Maybe a bit of tough chinuch when they are younger instead of teaching them that its all about them might do the trick. A child who recieves a smack might rethink such behaviour, apologising gives them permision to go a step further next time.
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:16 am
| #BestBubby wrote: | Do you think a parent and child are equals?
How woke
Parents have the right and duty to punish.
Is a judge who puts a criminal in jail a kidnapper?
Is fining a speeder stealing?
Some people, like parents and government, have the authority to punish.
And children understand that. |
Parents NEVER have a right to slap a child across the face. Never ever.
OP made a mistake, she feels bad & is reaching out for help.
But she, or any parent, has NO right or duty to slap a child across the face.
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:19 am
| piz1 wrote: | | So you can all say I am from the old generation but being that I raised B"H a large family maybe my 2 cents is worth something. Apologising to a child for giving a smack has no origin in Yiddishkeit, contrary to the beliefs of our so called enlightened younger generation! Also giving the actual smack is NOT a crime as so many of you seem to believe. When this generation are raising teenagers who have endless entitlement and mental health issues maybe its time to rethink what is the cause. Maybe a bit of tough chinuch when they are younger instead of teaching them that its all about them might do the trick. A child who recieves a smack might rethink such behaviour, apologising gives them permision to go a step further next time. |
A slap across the face falls in to a category of it's own & is never ever acceptable or excusable.
A parent apologizing to their kid, is a big thing & excellent chinuch. It most definitely does not cause mental health issues or for teens to be entitled.... if something, slapping a child across the face causes mental health issues.
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#BestBubby
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Yesterday at 10:20 am
| amother Teal wrote: | Parents NEVER have a right to slap a child across the face. Never ever.
OP made a mistake, she feels bad & is reaching out for help.
But she, or any parent, has NO right or duty to slap a child across the face. |
Where does it say in the Torah you are not allowed to slap?
OP gave ONE slap for repeated assaults.
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amother
Denim
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Yesterday at 10:25 am
Have you ever been s3xually abused/molested. That would make sense for a big reaction.
BTW my 8 year old is just like your daughter. It's really draining if they behave like this every day.
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:26 am
2 things
A child should never be punished in anger. It seems that op just reacted to being physically hurt.
A child should never be slapped especially on the face. It is very damaging.
A child doing what ops daughter did should definitely get a punishment that will ensure that she doesnt do it again.
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:29 am
| #BestBubby wrote: | Where does it say in the Torah you are not allowed to slap?
OP gave ONE slap for repeated assaults. |
I don't need the torah to tell me that children shouldn't be slapped across the face. Bh for common sense.
When I got slapped in the face as a little kid, I knew right then that I will never do that to my children. Because no little child deserves that humiliation & red mark across their face.
And if you're bringing up the torah in this,
The Torah does NOT allow a parent to hit a child out of anger or as an automatic knee jerk reaction. A slap across the face is out of anger and the torah does NOT allow that. Slapping out of anger is not chinuch. It's an awful middah that one needs to work on getting rid of.
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:31 am
| Bnei Berak 10 wrote: | | A one time smack will be remembered but I highly doubt it will be a *major trauma* for the rest of the life. |
She didn't say that it will be a major trauma for the rest of the child's life.
But a slap across the face is traumatic & humiliating.
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:39 am
| #BestBubby wrote: | | It is pretty normal for children who are allowed to hit their parents. |
No children are "allowed" to hit their parents.
Dysregulated & out of control behavior, generally stems from something deeper going on & it's up to us parents to get to the source of that so we can help our children.
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:41 am
| #BestBubby wrote: | Where does it say in the Torah you are not allowed to slap?
OP gave ONE slap for repeated assaults. |
Our kids look up to us to see how we react to certain situations. We are their role models
If I slap my child then tomorrow if child sees younger sibling doing something wrong he will slap said child. I've seen it myself
After I saw that I never hit again
If parent is triggered then she has to work through her feelings why she is feeling triggered in the first place. The reaction of a slap is not out of love but out of being triggered
And child should be taught how to react when she feels like hitting, bothering
And op please get child friendly knives so she can cut her apple on her own
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#BestBubby
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Yesterday at 10:43 am
| amother Teal wrote: | I don't need the torah to tell me that children shouldn't be slapped across the face. Bh for common sense.
When I got slapped in the face as a little kid, I knew right then that I will never do that to my children. Because no little child deserves that humiliation & red mark across their face.
And if you're bringing up the torah in this,
The Torah does NOT allow a parent to hit a child out of anger or as an automatic knee jerk reaction. A slap across the face is out of anger and the torah does NOT allow that. Slapping out of anger is not chinuch. It's an awful middah that one needs to work on getting rid of. |
Giving ONE slap is not out of control anger.
Punching with a closed fist or repeated blows with screaming is out of control anger.
OP gave a controlled response to
repeated assaults
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:44 am
| #BestBubby wrote: | DD deserved the smack.
You don't attack someone because you are hungry.
A child over 12/13 who hits a parent is Chaya Misa.
Parents ARE allowed to smack children. |
I cannot believe that 10 people agree that a 7 year old deserved a strong smack across her face.
This is beyond sad.
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