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Forum
-> Parenting our children
amother
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 Fri, Jan 03 2025, 8:18 am
| mommy3b2c wrote: | | I happen to think that it is absolutely NECESSARY to tap a kid lightly on the hand when running into the street . So that’s not a very good example in my opinion. But other then that , it’s never ok to hit a kid and my husband wouldn’t even tap lightly if they ran into the street which gets me upset with him. So no, not all men would hit their kids . |
Why can’t you talk to them and reason with them? How humiliating to slap them!
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amother
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 8:24 am
| amother OP wrote: | | If a father is in the room and a child angrily tells the mother I hate you your are a **** you don’t think the father should take the child into another room and give them a slap? There are certain lines that can’t be crossed that a potch has a place for. A slap teaches a child immediate boundaries and to never cross a certain line. The state of society has deteriorated greatly since a slap or parental authority became taboo. I think many people who are arguing “never… abuse” are influenced by not Jewish ideology. Many gedolim and frum circles have no problem with a potch. Yes I know there are several who are against but many more are not. No one is talking about daily slapping or consistently hitting. There’s a time and place for strong authority. |
No, it does not teach that. It teaches fear.
And judt because some gefolim and frum circles do something does not in any way make it right.
There are far better wats if making an impression when needed.
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amother
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 8:27 am
| amother DarkGray wrote: | No, it does not teach that. It teaches fear.
And judt because some gefolim and frum circles do something does not in any way make it right.
There are far better wats if making an impression when needed. |
How do you explain corporal punishment in the Torah? If mashiach comes tomorrow there will be malkos. Fear of aveiros is very much a Torah concept. There is a place for it.
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amother
Strawberry
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 8:30 am
| amother OP wrote: | | Why can’t you talk to them and reason with them? How humiliating to slap them! |
A slap is NOT a soft tap on the wrist as a gesture, a slap usually comes out of anger without thought.
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essie14
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 8:30 am
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My husband has never hit any child. Ever.
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mommy3b2c
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 8:34 am
| amother OP wrote: | | Why can’t you talk to them and reason with them? How humiliating to slap them! |
Because they are two years old . And it’s not humiliating for a 2 year old to get a tap on the hand . They are shocked and hurt (emotionally ) and they realize that they just crossed a very big line . Obviously this only works if they have never gotten a light tap ever before in their life . And please don’t call a light tap on the hand while looking into their eyes with a very disappointed look on your face a slap. It’s disrespectful and you are using the word slap to suit your own narrative.
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amother
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 8:37 am
| amother Strawberry wrote: | | A slap is NOT a soft tap on the wrist as a gesture, a slap usually comes out of anger without thought. |
No one is talking about angry hitting here
We are talking about a pitch fine for chinuch. Calmly and measured to show a child you can’t cross a certain line
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amother
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 8:39 am
| mommy3b2c wrote: | | Because they are two years old . And it’s not humiliating for a 2 year old to get a tap on the hand . They are shocked and hurt (emotionally ) and they realize that they just crossed a very big line . Obviously this only works if they have never gotten a light tap ever before in their life . And please don’t call a light tap on the hand while looking into their eyes with a very disappointed look on your face a slap. It’s disrespectful and you are using the word slap to suit your own narrative. |
Ok so when a child speaks with extreme chutzpah the father can also “tap” them if that word makes you more comfortable than slap. You are not changing the facts by changing the words. We are not talking about a 10 year getting a “tap” like a young child who immediately and strongly needs to be put into place.
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amother
Sapphire
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 8:53 am
Dh doesn't patch but he does yell.
Yeshivish.
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amother
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 9:01 am
No way.
Why do children need to “fear” their father????
This is the most shocking statement to me.
In our home my husband is the good cop, the fun parent. Believe you me, he is a lot more productive in parenting than myself, who can sometimes be high strung (not that I slap!). My children’s Tatty is a giant teddy bear, who parents with an outpouring of love, jokes, giggles and singing. He’s actually a very masculine man if you can believe it. He wasn’t raised with rigidness and strict discipline. My children adore him and have great respect for him naturally.
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amother
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 9:14 am
| amother OP wrote: | | If a father is in the room and a child angrily tells the mother I hate you your are a **** you don’t think the father should take the child into another room and give them a slap? There are certain lines that can’t be crossed that a potch has a place for. A slap teaches a child immediate boundaries and to never cross a certain line. The state of society has deteriorated greatly since a slap or parental authority became taboo. I think many people who are arguing “never… abuse” are influenced by not Jewish ideology. Many gedolim and frum circles have no problem with a potch. Yes I know there are several who are against but many more are not. No one is talking about daily slapping or consistently hitting. There’s a time and place for strong authority. |
If a two year old runs into the street, you tell him a car can run into you and squash you! Ow! We don’t want a squashed boy! If he still does it, he’s too young to be near the street without being held, strapped, etc.
If a six year old says mommy I hate you, you are a ***** the kid is obviously emotionally distressed for some reason. You don’t slap them to add to the distress! You find out what’s going on.
Op, you and I seem to have two different goals in parenting.
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amother
Sand
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 9:15 am
| amother OP wrote: | | If a father is in the room and a child angrily tells the mother I hate you your are a **** you don’t think the father should take the child into another room and give them a slap? There are certain lines that can’t be crossed that a potch has a place for. A slap teaches a child immediate boundaries and to never cross a certain line. The state of society has deteriorated greatly since a slap or parental authority became taboo. I think many people who are arguing “never… abuse” are influenced by not Jewish ideology. Many gedolim and frum circles have no problem with a potch. Yes I know there are several who are against but many more are not. No one is talking about daily slapping or consistently hitting. There’s a time and place for strong authority. |
No, I find that really inappropriate and cringe.
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mommy3b2c
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 9:21 am
| amother OP wrote: | | Ok so when a child speaks with extreme chutzpah the father can also “tap” them if that word makes you more comfortable than slap. You are not changing the facts by changing the words. We are not talking about a 10 year getting a “tap” like a young child who immediately and strongly needs to be put into place. |
I really can’t understand what you’re saying . If I were to tap my 10 year old lightly on the hand he would think I lost my mind . It wouldn’t be chinuch and wouldn’t shock him or teach him a lesson . He would just stare at me blankly and wonder if he should call the mental health hotline on my behalf.
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amother
NeonPink
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 9:26 am
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Ok here comes the tomatoes…yes he does. More often than me. I only do it for extremely dangerous things like running in the street. He does it for chutzpah like outright doing the opposite of what he just said.
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amother
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 9:33 am
My dh does not and never has.
I used to when my oldest children were young. I have since taken classes and learned better approaches and skills and I have also learned to have much more patience.
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Chayalle
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 9:42 am
| amother OP wrote: | | If a father is in the room and a child angrily tells the mother I hate you your are a **** you don’t think the father should take the child into another room and give them a slap? There are certain lines that can’t be crossed that a potch has a place for. A slap teaches a child immediate boundaries and to never cross a certain line. The state of society has deteriorated greatly since a slap or parental authority became taboo. I think many people who are arguing “never… abuse” are influenced by not Jewish ideology. Many gedolim and frum circles have no problem with a potch. Yes I know there are several who are against but many more are not. No one is talking about daily slapping or consistently hitting. There’s a time and place for strong authority. |
You stay calm and don't take it personally. The most wonderful kids will tell their parents something chutzpadik sometimes when they are young and frustrated, I can attest to that personally. They learn respectful speech by being treated respectfully.
I remember when one of my kids told me she was going to chop me up into a million pieces and throw me in the lake (I don't remember what I did, but I think maybe said no to candy before supper). I asked her who was going to make supper and do the laundry and things like that. She reconsidered and told me "maybe tomorrow". Oh well, I got another day's reprieve. I consider it one of my finest moments as a parent, actually, that I stayed calm and had a respectful (and somewhat amusing) dialogue at the time.
As an adult, she's a respectful and wonderful daughter. And even as a child, she was delightful - she just had her moments - you know, BH, she was NORMAL. Not a puppet or a robot.
Chinuch is about preparing your child for the future (thank you to my high school principal for drilling that into us). It's not about the moment. Slapping your kid is just shocking them in the moment. It isn't teaching them how to be respectful in the future, because the slap is disrespectful to them.
I don't agree with you about the state of society, either. Previous generations hit. How many people left yiddishkeit in those generations altogether, the maksilim, all the "isms" (socialism, budism, zionism, etc....) They were no more holding on to a proper way of life due to the potch, than today. It honestly bothers me when people glorify previous generations and conveniently forget about the fallout they were dealing with back then, because it's easier to point at previous generations and the issues they dealt with, than think about whether it was actually all so wonderful and worked so well.
I'm happy to tell you about Gedolim who were against hitting, too. R' Yaakov Kaminetsky. R' Mattisyahu Salamon (I heard him say so myself, with my own ears, he was all about parenting positively.) And yes, strong authority does not equal hitting. Yes, be a parent, parent your kids, set boundaries and discipline. IMVHO potching is a copout. It's a lack of learning better skills.
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Chayalle
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 9:45 am
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Oh, and to answer your question, no, DH was not a potcher BH.
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Aurora
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 10:23 am
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No. Neither DH nor I would hit our children
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amother
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 10:24 am
If a child lashes out because you punished them, please don’t punish them again, for being upset by the punishment!
And yes parents are the best ignorers in the world. If my child says I’m a **** I don’t have to react or even acknowledge. Not everything needs a reaction.
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amother
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Fri, Jan 03 2025, 10:25 am
| Chayalle wrote: | You stay calm and don't take it personally. The most wonderful kids will tell their parents something chutzpadik sometimes when they are young and frustrated, I can attest to that personally. They learn respectful speech by being treated respectfully.
I remember when one of my kids told me she was going to chop me up into a million pieces and throw me in the lake (I don't remember what I did, but I think maybe said no to candy before supper). I asked her who was going to make supper and do the laundry and things like that. She reconsidered and told me "maybe tomorrow". Oh well, I got another day's reprieve. I consider it one of my finest moments as a parent, actually, that I stayed calm and had a respectful (and somewhat amusing) dialogue at the time.
As an adult, she's a respectful and wonderful daughter. And even as a child, she was delightful - she just had her moments - you know, BH, she was NORMAL. Not a puppet or a robot.
Chinuch is about preparing your child for the future (thank you to my high school principal for drilling that into us). It's not about the moment. Slapping your kid is just shocking them in the moment. It isn't teaching them how to be respectful in the future, because the slap is disrespectful to them.
I don't agree with you about the state of society, either. Previous generations hit. How many people left yiddishkeit in those generations altogether, the maksilim, all the "isms" (socialism, budism, zionism, etc....) They were no more holding on to a proper way of life due to the potch, than today. It honestly bothers me when people glorify previous generations and conveniently forget about the fallout they were dealing with back then, because it's easier to point at previous generations and the issues they dealt with, than think about whether it was actually all so wonderful and worked so well.
I'm happy to tell you about Gedolim who were against hitting, too. R' Yaakov Kaminetsky. R' Mattisyahu Salamon (I heard him say so myself, with my own ears, he was all about parenting positively.) And yes, strong authority does not equal hitting. Yes, be a parent, parent your kids, set boundaries and discipline. IMVHO potching is a copout. It's a lack of learning better skills. |
Love this post. As usual you nailed it Chayalle.
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