Social norms in BP

↑ happyness ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:12 am

amother Mistyrose wrote:

That's it. I was probably the judgy type. Smile

I don't see what's wrong with admitting that BP has a very 'in town' feel but if you want to pin it on me, no problem at all.

Reread your first post.

It may have an in town feel- that’s very different than ‘You can't get anymore in town snobbiness like you get in BP.’

All of us - wherever we live- are trying to do our best. Sure, we’ve got to work on ourselves.

People really struggle with self esteem. What you see on the outside doesn’t always reflect on what you see inside. Mental health challenges are real.

But why talk that way about fellow Jews - especially in the sefira days? That just doesn’t feel right.

amother

Daffodil ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:26 am

I'm a convert living in BP. It took us approximately a year or two to find "our" shul but I love it even though people consider the shul to be extra frum. No one cares about clothes so much. It's a cholent pot here. There are all types of people, from ultra chassidish to Flatbush type. There is a chabad shul here. And if there's a chabad shul here in BP, there must be other types of shuls too. Don't worry. Many people have "going out" clothes. There is also an unspoken rule to wear a sheital if you're walking on 13th ave. You won't see many snoods or bandanas until the evening hours. Welcome to BP!

amother

Pansy ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:30 am

I always remake the kids hair during the day and check their faces before going out if I’m just hanging on the block I’ll wear a slinky skirt with a pullover sweatshirt without a hood so it doesn’t look too casual I have 2 of the same skirts if I see one has stains it goes in the wash. I don’t match my kids as a rule but if I see something cute in all sizes I’ll match them. I don’t judge if kids aren’t matching I like each kid to have their own style. If going out to 13th Ave I’ll put on stockings and a nice skirt with shaitel. My kids don’t change if they’re dirty after supper if they want to play outside it’s ok I’m not doing double loads of laundry for no reason

anonymous mom ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:47 am

1: clothing from Jewish stores for you and the kids
2: hair is brushed and kept short/ mid length in a pony
3: no food in strollers. Strollers are cleaned and vacuumed.
4: wear a shaitel if you're leaving your block.
5: Zebra shades for your windows.
6: Bugaboo, Uppababy, or Doona stroller.
7: kids eat the newest ices and nosh on the market.
8: speak Yiddish to preschool age children.
9: boys wear curly peyos in the front.
10: Designs and names on boys yarmulkas that match their clothing up until 1st grade.
11: pre- school grades are as follows: pre- nursery, nursery, kindergarten, pre-1A. Boys don't have pre-1A, they go straight to kittah aleph. There is no middle school for girls. It's pre-school, elementary school and then high school.
12: boys call their school Cheder and their yarmulkas- kappel.
13: from around 6-7, boys wear a black velvet yarmulkah. Some wear one with 4 "slices" (sections), some chederim make you wear 6"slices".
14: little boys (baby and toddler,up until age 3) don't wear pants from department stores, they wear leggings.
15- shopping for the new season works as follows: in August, shop for YT and winter. Within a week many sizes are sold out. For Pesach and summer, shop in January.
16: girls wear tights from age Nursery in school, but on Sundays and Shabbos they wear socks, up until around 1st grade.
17: little boys wear pretty clothes on Shabbos, not necessarily black and white. From around age 7, they wear a white dress shirt and long black dress pants.
18: clothing is hung to dry and ironed so that the clothes don't pimple or fade.
19: many wear a tennis bracelet and an eternity ring.
20: most people have cleaning help at least once a week. Windows are cleaned on a regular basis.
21: many go away to upstate NY "country" in the summer. The husband's are in BP almost week and they join their families for the weekends.
22: leased cars- in good condition.
23: people send their kids away to family and friends for a week or two after giving birth. Many go to a kimpeturin heim.
24: many go away to their parents and in laws for YT, especially for Pesach for many many years.
25: people bake their own challah for Shabbos.

I'm sure there is more I'm missing. BTW, I did practically non of this when I lived in BP and I just did just fine.

Last edited by anonymous mom on Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:56 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ Phlox ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:55 am

anonymous mom wrote:

1: clothing from Jewish stores for you and the kids
2: hair is brushed and kept short/ mid length in a pony
3: no food in strollers. Strollers are cleaned and vacuumed.
4: wear a shaitel if you're leaving your block.
5: Zebra shades for your windows.
6: Bugaboo, Uppababy, or Doona stroller.
7: kids eat the newest ices and nosh on the market.
8: speak Yiddish to preschool age children.
9: boys wear curly peyos in the front.
10: Designs and names on boys yarmulkas that match their clothing up until 1st grade.
11: pre- school grades are as follows: pre- nursery, nursery, kindergarten, pre-1A. Boys don't have pre-1A, they go straight to kittah aleph. There is no middle school for girls. It's pre-school, elementary school and then high school.
12: boys call their school Cheder and their yarmulkas- kappel.
13: from around 6-7, boys wear a black velvet yarmulkah. Some wear one with 4 "slices" (sections), some chederim make you wear 6"slices".
14: little boys (baby and toddler,up until age 3) don't wear pants from department stores, they wear leggings.
15- shopping for the new season works as follows: in August, shop for YT and winter. Within a week many sizes are sold out. For Pesach and summer, shop in January.
16: girls wear tights from age Nursery in school, but on Sundays and Shabbos they wear socks, up until around 1st grade.
17: little boys wear pretty clothes on Shabbos, not necessarily black and white. From around age 7, they wear a white dress shirt and long black dress pants.
18: clothing is hung to dry and ironed so that the clothes don't pimple or fade.
19: many wear a tennis bracelet and an eternity ring.

I'm sure there is more I'm missing. BTW, I did practically non of this when I lived in BP and I just did just fine.

WTH
Im living in Bp since birth and haven't heard of most of these rules
omg

amother

↑ Mistyrose ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:59 am

amother Phlox wrote:

WTH
Im living in Bp since birth and haven't heard of most of these rules
omg

But I did. Born and bread here and ran away as soon as I could, mostly because of these rules.
I'm sorry if I offended anyone in my first post, I guess I could have been nicer, But this is my point. There are so many unspoken rules that everyone knows about. If anything the younger crowd is a lot more into these rules then my mom and her friends ever were.
I couldn't do it. I needed to live my on life surrounded by people who don't do these rules. That's why I left.

amother

Coral

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:06 am

seven-up wrote:

I don't get why a BT community wouldn't keep their kids clean and neat? What does being a BT have to do with it? Isn't it a personality thing?
I have seen plenty of Non Jews and Non frum yet who's kids and themselves are clean with their hair brushed and done just so, wearing well fitting, matched clothing. Ok, they're not as into matching their kids to each other, but I've seen that too. I've seen non frum who's kids are unkempt as well, just as I've seen frum people who's kids are unkempt.

Pardon my ignorance here, why would specifically BT's not keep their children neat, tidy and clean? Doesn't have to be to such an extreme, but kids should be neat, clean and wearing clothing that matches (not necessarily to a sibling) and well fitting. Unless the emphasis here is more on the matching to siblings.

Matching meaning siblings matching each other. Not everyone will change their outfit or their kids outfits multiple times a day every time something gets messy. Some places just let kids be kids instead of over worrying about their appearances. They are clean but not necessarily looking like their ready for a photo shoot at any moment.

amother

Violet ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:07 am

anonymous mom wrote:

Born and bred bp’r and rolled my eyes to most of these.

Yes, to how the grades are called, yes to chasidish boys wearing 6 slice kappel. But the rest? Come on! Maybe your immediate neighbors? But I lived in an apartment building with about 60 families and can say that none of the above applied. (With the exception of #11, 12 and part of 13- because the velvet 6 slice kapplech from 3 yrs and the country part).

↑ anonymous mom

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:14 am

amother Violet wrote:

I've lived in BP for many years and I can say with confidence that my list is on point and accurate.

Again, this is social norms. Of course not EVERYONE will be doing everything on that list.

amother

Clematis ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:18 am

amother Mistyrose wrote:

Ohhhh, you're about to have a huge culture shock.
As someone who escaped BP, let me tell you. You can't get anymore in town snobbiness like you get in BP. Sure, some people are great, there are a lot of organizations and chessed, bla bla bla. The truth is though, it's a judgy place. People will think less of you if your kids are mismatched and if you don't look just so.
So gear up, it's gonna be a tough few weeks till you learn the ins.
Sending loads of love! Hope you settle in soon.

I’m sorry you had this experience.
My experience was very different.
My parents are BT from OOT and we lived in BP.
My parents thought about retiring and moving to FL but they decided not to because they love the community and friends here.
We were as mismatched as they come. My mother used to use kitchen towel in place of a baby blanket when the weather was too warm for blanket but still a little chilly. A kind hearted neighbor told my mother that it’s important that the baby have a light blanket in the weather so they look more functional and told my mother what to put on us and where to buy it.
I had so many friends growing up. Other kids would come to us for play dates and we would go to them.
I loved my days growing up there.

I come back to visit with my kids sometimes for shabbos or yomtov. I dress and look different than the other woman there but I never feel a coldness. We’re all moms trying out best to raise our kids. I love going to the park and chatting with other moms.

I happen to dress my kids nicely - not Boro park style. The other mothers sometimes compliment what my children are wearing and ask where I got it. I once told someone Walmart and she said “don’t tell anyone. Then people will think it’s not fancy”. I love the Boro park moms.

amother

↑ Clematis

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:23 am

anonymous mom wrote:

Also with the stroller, my parents had us in a 15$ umbrella stroller. It wasn’t that they couldn’t afford a fancy one, they didn’t value it.
They would rather spend their money on home renovations and family vacations than a stroller that’s fancy.
Neighbors felt bad and would give us their old strollers after. Also, since we weren’t matching we got so many fancy handle downs.
I never felt like a neb - maybe it’s because I knew my parents could afford it they just didn’t value it.

amother

↑ Violet ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:28 am

anonymous mom wrote:

I've lived in BP for many years and I can say with confidence that my list is on point and accurate.

Again, this is social norms. Of course not EVERYONE will be doing everything on that list.

I think this goes to show that bp is very big and diverse and you can do your own thing.

Yes, we try look clean and put together- not shluchy or mismatched- but that as stated upthread is just basic self respect. But no, you don’t have to have a bugaboo or doona or zebra shades or cleaning help or shop local/Jewish stores.

Also, things like #8 or 9 which I missed previously- is chasidish way, so yes, bp has many chasidisha families, so it may seem like the social norm. But I had yeshivisha neighbors and other non Yiddish speaking chasidish neighbors and we all got along perfectly fine. Oh, and many gur neighbors, so , no Peyos was NOT curly to the front!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:39 am

seven-up wrote:

I was talking about matching to each other, of course my kids wear clothes that match lol. And of course I'll make their hair in the morning etc, I'm just particularly talking about like playing in front of the house etc, seems excessive to constantly change their clothing and be on top of them not to dirty themselves at all...