Social norms in BP

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Social norms in BP

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amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 12:40 pm

amother Foxglove wrote:

no offense and sorry to be blunt but most of these people won't be friends with you regardless of how you try to fit in because no matter how hard you try you still wont fit it. It's just the way it is. So just be yourself and hope you find some friends but don't expect too. Good luck!

That's pretty upsetting that ppl can't look at who you are, not how ur kids look!!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 12:42 pm

InnerMe wrote:

no.

Lol I think that's the main thing, not to care... I just wish I didn't care as much to fit in... I really want to be accepted

amother

↑ Burlywood ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 12:43 pm

You mean ladies don't go out in the street anymore in robes on Shabbos? If so, this is a good thing.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 12:45 pm

anonymous mom wrote:

1: clothing from Jewish stores for you and the kids
2: hair is brushed and kept short/ mid length in a pony
3: no food in strollers. Strollers are cleaned and vacuumed.
4: wear a shaitel if you're leaving your block.
5: Zebra shades for your windows.
6: Bugaboo, Uppababy, or Doona stroller.
7: kids eat the newest ices and nosh on the market.
8: speak Yiddish to preschool age children.
9: boys wear curly peyos in the front.
10: Designs and names on boys yarmulkas that match their clothing up until 1st grade.
11: pre- school grades are as follows: pre- nursery, nursery, kindergarten, pre-1A. Boys don't have pre-1A, they go straight to kittah aleph. There is no middle school for girls. It's pre-school, elementary school and then high school.
12: boys call their school Cheder and their yarmulkas- kappel.
13: from around 6-7, boys wear a black velvet yarmulkah. Some wear one with 4 "slices" (sections), some chederim make you wear 6"slices".
14: little boys (baby and toddler,up until age 3) don't wear pants from department stores, they wear leggings.
15- shopping for the new season works as follows: in August, shop for YT and winter. Within a week many sizes are sold out. For Pesach and summer, shop in January.
16: girls wear tights from age Nursery in school, but on Sundays and Shabbos they wear socks, up until around 1st grade.
17: little boys wear pretty clothes on Shabbos, not necessarily black and white. From around age 7, they wear a white dress shirt and long black dress pants.
18: clothing is hung to dry and ironed so that the clothes don't pimple or fade.
19: many wear a tennis bracelet and an eternity ring.
20: most people have cleaning help at least once a week. Windows are cleaned on a regular basis.
21: many go away to upstate NY "country" in the summer. The husband's are in BP almost week and they join their families for the weekends.
22: leased cars- in good condition.
23: people send their kids away to family and friends for a week or two after giving birth. Many go to a kimpeturin heim.
24: many go away to their parents and in laws for YT, especially for Pesach for many many years.
25: people bake their own challah for Shabbos.

I'm sure there is more I'm missing. BTW, I did practically non of this when I lived in BP and I just did just fine.

Thanks for this!... Lol bit overwhelming but thanks for taking the time to think and type it out,
Also there's like rules about what to eat for supper and when no??

Also I feel like there's not much of a concept of healthy eating habits? Is that true?

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 12:46 pm

I like the list it describes very much the [/I]chassidish[I] people living in bp. I would even add some to the list. Just for curiosity sake. Many chassidish people complain about this peer pressure so they moved out. And brought the peer pressure with them. I'm in lakewood area and some parts haven't changed now shabbos coats are becoming the norm. Houses have to be up to the latest trend and neater because with more space you should expect company at any time. The one fiffre ce I noticed now in the summer is that it's more acceptable to buy the cheapest walmart bike.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 12:49 pm

amother Clematis wrote:

I’m sorry you had this experience.
My experience was very different.
My parents are BT from OOT and we lived in BP.
My parents thought about retiring and moving to FL but they decided not to because they love the community and friends here.
We were as mismatched as they come. My mother used to use kitchen towel in place of a baby blanket when the weather was too warm for blanket but still a little chilly. A kind hearted neighbor told my mother that it’s important that the baby have a light blanket in the weather so they look more functional and told my mother what to put on us and where to buy it.
I had so many friends growing up. Other kids would come to us for play dates and we would go to them.
I loved my days growing up there.

I come back to visit with my kids sometimes for shabbos or yomtov. I dress and look different than the other woman there but I never feel a coldness. We’re all moms trying out best to raise our kids. I love going to the park and chatting with other moms.

I happen to dress my kids nicely - not Boro park style. The other mothers sometimes compliment what my children are wearing and ask where I got it. I once told someone Walmart and she said “don’t tell anyone. Then people will think it’s not fancy”. I love the Boro park moms.

I love this... Wow..
That just shows that if you're confident with who you are then you'll be loved no matter what

amother

Iris ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 1:01 pm

oneofakind wrote:

Girls hair is always neat- usually brushed into a ponytail, never long and loose.
It takes a lot of effort to keep children neat and clean. Brushing every day, bathing regularly, keeping nails short and clean but hygiene rules apply everywhere.
You need to connect with a shul or community or Rabbi. Otherwise you'll feel lost.

I currently live in bp. The only real pressure is regarding kids imo. I don’t think it’s a snobby place. There ARE snobs and there are also many nice people.

The bolded is really true and hard to get in bp. There is no community culture. Women barely go to shul, and even many men just drop in to a local shul where they don’t know anyone.

Personally this is one of the reasons I’m moving away.

FYI 13th Ave is awesome!!! Especially Erev YT

amother

↑ Iris ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 1:03 pm

Are you a bt yourself? If yes I have a wonderful shul/rabbi recommendation for you.

amother

Thistle

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 1:52 pm

amother Phlox wrote:

I live in Bp
But hopefully I get to move someplace nicer, fast lol
Op If I may ask, why did you choose bp over any other place? Bp is not really a community, and its easy to get lost in it, as its harder to find a place to belong (shul/rav).

On a side note, Im in the park a lot with dd (38 street/Ave F/18 Ave). And always wonder if the other mothers Im seeign there are on Imamother Wink

Me too! And I'm in the same park. Small world.

amother

Apricot ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 1:54 pm

Why don’t the men have the same “obligation” to look neat and clean?

justforfun87

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 2:11 pm

How did you end up moving to BP?

↑ InnerMe ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 2:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's pretty upsetting that ppl can't look at who you are, not how ur kids look!!

There are those and there are those.
Find the people who care more about who you are as a person then how your kids look.

amother

Maple ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 2:26 pm

As a litvish persons that grew up in boro park I don’t know what anyone is talking about. Did it really change so much or is everyone exaggerating? This wasn’t happening around me.

amother

Dimgray

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 2:46 pm

Quote:

Don't you care?

I don't live in NY. But the messier my kids are is a sign they are exploring the world and having fun. They were playing with chalk, they were digging in dirt, they are coloring with markers, etc. No I don't change them unless they are absolutely filthy and we need to go out. And my clothing would get muddy and chalky.

I do have them wash their hands and face when we go in to get the mud, chalk, etc off. But that's more for hygiene than looks.

My line is and always was, that's what washing machines and bathtubs are for.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 2:57 pm

Op, there's a balance. No, you don't need to flip over your life 0-100 being afraid of how others will perceive you but to adjust a little to your envoirement, having your kids and you look presentable and clean outside the house is not like a shocking expectation, and no you never need to be extreme but generally to try.. that's normal and healthy, it's good for your kids and how they will be perceived socially (and it's not about buying only Frum brands I don't agree with that) so pick and choose. Some things are superficial and extra and some things even objectively are not so crazy and making some adjustments is ok and not vain...
Good luck with all the newness!

zaq

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 5:50 pm

amother Smokey wrote:

I live in bp. There are all types of people. Most are not very fancy. No shame in tottini or old navy.
The basic rules are that clothes should fit , hair neat, and tights should match.
Women have a going out outfit which they change into and out of just for going out. (I struggle with this) You can hang out in front of ur house with snood and robe.

How about Target and K-Mart?

Cheiny ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 5:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

I just moved here from a bt community.
There are no norms there, the kids can be mismatched, not immaculate clean etc...
What are the unspoken rules in BP? I see that the kids are always matching to each other, what else?
How do the kids always look clean?

Here’s one norm: if you wear a long wig and wear brighter colors than black or navy, you’re going to be stared at.

Amelia Bedelia

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 5:57 pm

amother Iris wrote:

Are you a bt yourself? If yes I have a wonderful shul/rabbi recommendation for you.

Which shul/rabbi?

↑ Cheiny ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 5:59 pm

amother Pansy wrote:

I always remake the kids hair during the day and check their faces before going out if I’m just hanging on the block I’ll wear a slinky skirt with a pullover sweatshirt without a hood so it doesn’t look too casual I have 2 of the same skirts if I see one has stains it goes in the wash. I don’t match my kids as a rule but if I see something cute in all sizes I’ll match them. I don’t judge if kids aren’t matching I like each kid to have their own style. If going out to 13th Ave I’ll put on stockings and a nice skirt with shaitel. My kids don’t change if they’re dirty after supper if they want to play outside it’s ok I’m not doing double loads of laundry for no reason

May I know why you can’t wear a sweatshirt WITH a hood when you’re hanging on the block? Why is that too casual? You have to be formal when hanging on the block?

↑ Cheiny ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 6:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

I was talking about matching to each other, of course my kids wear clothes that match lol. And of course I'll make their hair in the morning etc, I'm just particularly talking about like playing in front of the house etc, seems excessive to constantly change their clothing and be on top of them not to dirty themselves at all...

I think it’s ridiculous to worry about kids getting dirty while they’re playing outside.

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