Social norms in BP

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Jun 05 2024, 9:49 pm

I just moved here from a bt community.
There are no norms there, the kids can be mismatched, not immaculate clean etc...
What are the unspoken rules in BP? I see that the kids are always matching to each other, what else?
How do the kids always look clean?

amother

Stonewash

Wed, Jun 05 2024, 9:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

Welcome to BP.
I hope you will have an easy time making the transition!
Lots of hatzlocha in figuring out the new territory!

I dont have much advice for you, since I lived her almost my entire life, but as a grandmother babysitting grandchildren, I was the children's hands and face often. Like this the child looks presentable when mommy walks in the door. Washing hands and face puts child in relax mode too, especially if you let them "help" you.

amother

Burlywood ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 6:27 am

amother OP wrote:

Not to be snarky, but mismatching and so on ARE the norms where you lived before. A norm is defined as "something that is usual, typical, or standard." The norms in BP are simply more finicky than the norms in your former hometown.

amother

Mistyrose ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 6:34 am

Ohhhh, you're about to have a huge culture shock.
As someone who escaped BP, let me tell you. You can't get anymore in town snobbiness like you get in BP. Sure, some people are great, there are a lot of organizations and chessed, bla bla bla. The truth is though, it's a judgy place. People will think less of you if your kids are mismatched and if you don't look just so.
So gear up, it's gonna be a tough few weeks till you learn the ins.
Sending loads of love! Hope you settle in soon.

happyness ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 6:38 am

amother Mistyrose wrote:

The bolded is very unkind and probably untrue

That being said, every place has its pros and cons.

Op, don’t get too stuck on trying to fit in. Just be you- a real person attracts others more than anything.

Sure, kids match and looks matter too much there- but don’t get fazed by those that judge. You be you.

If you want to make changes to fit in- don’t do it from pressure. See what feels right for you.

oneofakind

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 6:41 am

Girls hair is always neat- usually brushed into a ponytail, never long and loose.
It takes a lot of effort to keep children neat and clean. Brushing every day, bathing regularly, keeping nails short and clean but hygiene rules apply everywhere.
You need to connect with a shul or community or Rabbi. Otherwise you'll feel lost.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 7:13 am

Thanks for the replies!
Will people actually think less of me if me kids aren't matching each other?
And I don't look put together and my skirt is a little dirty from the kids? I don't understand how the moms always look clean if a lot of them stay at home with the kids all day...

amother

Hyssop

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 7:17 am

amother OP wrote:

My clothing may be dirty when I'm at home. But when I go out, I do wear clean clothing. That's basic self respect.
People won't think less of you if your kids are mismatched. But kids should wear clean clothing and clothing that's not worn out or creased.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 7:30 am

But even going outside to play before / after supper, I should get properly dressed?
And if they got dirty from supper, I should put new clothes?? Kids get their clothing dirty when they eat

seven-up

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 7:30 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't get why a BT community wouldn't keep their kids clean and neat? What does being a BT have to do with it? Isn't it a personality thing?
I have seen plenty of Non Jews and Non frum yet who's kids and themselves are clean with their hair brushed and done just so, wearing well fitting, matched clothing. Ok, they're not as into matching their kids to each other, but I've seen that too. I've seen non frum who's kids are unkempt as well, just as I've seen frum people who's kids are unkempt.

Pardon my ignorance here, why would specifically BT's not keep their children neat, tidy and clean? Doesn't have to be to such an extreme, but kids should be neat, clean and wearing clothing that matches (not necessarily to a sibling) and well fitting. Unless the emphasis here is more on the matching to siblings.

amother

Magnolia

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 7:40 am

amother Mistyrose wrote:

Your group of friends and neighbors were probably judgy or maybe you're the judgy type so you thought that everyone was judging you.

amother

↑ Mistyrose ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 7:43 am

amother Magnolia wrote:

Your group of friends and neighbors were probably judgy or maybe you're the judgy type so you thought that everyone was judging you.

That's it. I was probably the judgy type. Smile

I don't see what's wrong with admitting that BP has a very 'in town' feel but if you want to pin it on me, no problem at all.

amother

Foxglove ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 7:43 am

no offense and sorry to be blunt but most of these people won't be friends with you regardless of how you try to fit in because no matter how hard you try you still wont fit it. It's just the way it is. So just be yourself and hope you find some friends but don't expect too. Good luck!

amother

Seafoam ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 7:46 am

I live in BP. Never match my kids consciously. If they have matching/coordinating clothes then my kids will wear those at the same time.
What does cleanliness have with anything? Wipe your kid's nose. Babies/ toddler wear bibs while eating. Make their hair. Be presentable.
And Welcome to Town!

amother

Smokey

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 7:49 am

I live in bp. There are all types of people. Most are not very fancy. No shame in tottini or old navy.
The basic rules are that clothes should fit , hair neat, and tights should match.
Women have a going out outfit which they change into and out of just for going out. (I struggle with this) You can hang out in front of ur house with snood and robe.

amother

Azalea

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 7:51 am

Im from Boro park
Not sure why all those negativity from posters above.
Most people in BP will not care if your kids dont match. I do it because I like it and easier to shop. I wouldn't look down at you at all if you dont. And neither would most ppl
But do try to be neat and clean. Thats anywhere not only in BP. Do it for yourself.

If got a bit dirty from my kids I wont change when im just outside on the block watching ny kids play, unless very very dirty.
Your neighbors are probably not spotless clean either. Just same way you dont notice their dirty clothing neither are they noticing yours. (Unless very dirty)

When I go out shopping I do change to more formal clothing and chamge back to when get home.

InnerMe ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 7:58 am

You can be my friend. I live in BP and my kids hair is never just so (in fact its usually very messy) I do it in the morning and that's it. I let them get how dirty they want and don't change them.If my skirt gets dirty I don't change it. People probably see me and my kids as "shluchy" but I stopped caring.

Last edited by InnerMe on Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:05 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Phlox ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:00 am

I live in Bp
But hopefully I get to move someplace nicer, fast lol
Op If I may ask, why did you choose bp over any other place? Bp is not really a community, and its easy to get lost in it, as its harder to find a place to belong (shul/rav).

On a side note, Im in the park a lot with dd (38 street/Ave F/18 Ave). And always wonder if the other mothers Im seeign there are on Imamother Wink

amother

↑ Seafoam ↓

Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:03 am

InnerMe wrote:

You can be my friend. I live in BP and my kids hair is never just so (in fact its usually very messy) I let them get how dirty they want and don't change them.If my skirt gets dirty I don't change it. People probably see me and my kids as "shluchy" but I stopped caring.

Don't you care?