I smacked my daughter. Hard. :(

amother

↑ Teal ↓

Yesterday at 7:04 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

Well obviously we don't do it because we don't have a Sanhedrin and we don't have our own court of law. It may be against the law of the land, buy when Moshiach will come the Sanhedrin will come back...

And it's not like the prison system in almost any country is so wonderful either. In many ways it's worse.

And the Sanhedrin will NOT rule that it's okay for parents to lose it at their children & slap them out of frustration. It is actually a sin & the Sanhedrin may even rule for the parent to be punished.

amother

↑ Aubergine ↓

Yesterday at 7:07 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

There's a misconception that all abusers were once abused as children. Research doesn't bear that out. There is a certain percentage, true, but its certainly not everyone or even a very high percentage.

Which is completely off the topic, as a parent slapping a child who is hurting the parent is not abuse. And is not going to cause lifelong damage.

What's also more to the point is WHY this child is acting this way, and what could be done to change the pattern for the future.

A parent slapping a child is hurting a child for life and most likely the siblings who witnessed it.

Hitting is very damaging.

It’s ok to acknowledge that the last generation made a big mistake and did their best with the knowledge that they had at the time.

That’s ok. What’s not ok is minimizing the effect and the damage that it wreaked on the next generation.

The first step of breaking the cycle is breaking the denial of the magnitude of the problem.

amother

↑ Teal ↓

Yesterday at 7:07 pm

Moshe Rabbeinu got punished for hitting a rock.
The torah forbids hitting animals.
Kal v'chomer our children that are worth more than rocks & animals.

amother

↑ Cobalt ↓

Yesterday at 7:10 pm

amother Teal wrote:

Nope! This is not true at all. Look it up in the gemara. A parent is not punished for hurting a child. (It may not be ideal chinuch, but they are definitely not punished).

amother

↑ Cobalt ↓

Yesterday at 7:10 pm

amother Teal wrote:

Again, the torah FORBIDS hitting children out of anger/frustration/trigger/losing it.
And corporal punishment in the torah/in the times of the beis hamikdash, does NOT apply to children & never meant that parents may physically hit their children.
And it also wasn't something that one was able to decide on their own, it was a court ruling.
So you using malkos min hatorah as permitted to physically hurt children, has no basis whatsoever & is an absurd comparison.

Source for this???

amother

↑ DarkMagenta

Yesterday at 7:19 pm

amother Garnet wrote:

Would you say the same thing on a thread from a boss who lost control and hit an employee, a wife who lost control and smacked her husband, or an adult slapping their sibling? Because those who see hitting children as abuse see it the same way as that.

Well if you put it that way... I would beat the heck out of anyone that tried lifting my skirt.

amother

↑ Blue ↓

Yesterday at 7:25 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

Not really. This is a myth. There are SOME Chachamim who say this, I know plenty who don't.

I do not know any of today's leaders who say parents should hit their kids.

↑ wrkngmomof2 ↓

Yesterday at 7:27 pm

https://youtu.be/SRIm-CbNUzI

amother

↑ Cobalt ↓

Yesterday at 7:28 pm

amother Blue wrote:

I do not know any of today's leaders who say parents should hit their kids.

Good for you. Noones advocating that parents should be hitting their kids all the time, but there are plenty who still think that an occasional potch is part of normal parenting. Just because you don't know them doesn't make them not real.

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Yesterday at 7:29 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

This should be a spinoff, but I feel so validated now. I rarely punish my kids, not hitting or in any other way, and I've been told I'm spoiling my kids. Glad to know I was doing it right!!!! Punishment, period, is not the way to go. Not hitting, not any other punishment either.

I also rarely punish my kids , definitely don’t hit , and work very hard not to ever yell. I apologize if I do yell . and I don’t know if it’s just luck , but my kids are awesome. They are never even chutzpahdik and they don’t even fight with each other all that much. Bh!!

↑ wrkngmomof2

Yesterday at 7:32 pm

Only a fraction of child victims of maltreatment ever get support from health professionals. A child who is abused is more likely to abuse others as an adult, so that violence is passed down from one generation to the next. Preventing child maltreatment before it starts is possible.

amother

Stonewash ↓

Yesterday at 7:44 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

Is it really so uncommon? Has there been an impartial, comprehensive research study that proves this?

Yes it is. I don't know about studies, but I see it around me.

I don't want to potch my kids. And I generally don't. But there were times when I lost my cool and smacked my kid. (Even repeatedly and hard. I absolutely drowned in guilt over it. And I wish it wasn't true. But it is.)
I remember one time my kid was spinning with a toy and hit me spanking me hard. I reacted so fast and furious, to the "threat" I flung her across the room. She was maybe 4. I was horrified and devastated. But that's what post traumatic parenting looks like.
Recently another of my kids did similar. Spinning round n round with a toy in her hand and it spanked me. I laughed. (Sorry it really was funny! Even if it hurt me) And reminded her, no swinging things, one of the house rules. You can spin all you like but not with anything in the hands.

But that's a decade of HARD work and therapy.

Post traumatic parenting is the pits. Becuase not only are you trying to heal, you are also literally creating your mown triggers. living in the trauma. Becuase let's be honest, kids are one HUGE trigger all over. Start with feeling sick, birth, pp pains and sleeplessness. Colic. Constant crying and not being able to tend to your own needs when you need to. Then toddlers ans terrible twos. The tantrums... older kids talking back and them having needs that you yourself never had met and you likely still haven't had that met becuase you came in with such a deficit, it's impossible to give that which you don't have and that creates all kinds of bad responses and behavioral issues on your part and on the kids part...... which will only exacerbate the hot and angry and furious downward spiral.

All these songs of a mother will run through fire and jump in the sea to save their child. AHUM? NO! I felt so so so awful. I didn't love myself or my kids enough to do that. I knew I never would go save my kids in a fire. I'd save myself first. And then let the firemen go save them. And I dont think it's becuase I was selfish. I'm acurally a very selfless person. (Too selfless - trayma response) but I was living in instinct and self preservation. And I was aware enough to know that my first instinct would be - self preservation.
Again, I didn't want to be like that. I hate that I was that way. I did, and do love my children very very deeply and wanted better for them than I can provide.

And so I got myself the help I needed.
Over a decade of intense aggressive progressive healing.

Chv if a fire occurs, I know I will grab and save my kids. Or die trying to. Whichever happens.
That's because I know an connected to myself as a person and as a mother to my children. My life will be worthless anyway without them in it.
And I can honestly say, I've been keeping my hands to myself.

And here's the thing, I do believe a light potch on the hand has its place. But. But. I'd you are struggling with controlling yourself, then a smack on the hand and a smack across the face are EXTREMELY close.....

Lately, I felt safe enough, to smack, more like tap, my kids hands.
But I've also lightly pulled/touched on my ear, as a reminder to my kid to repeat herself in a respectful way. It was done with the same amount of force.
The response I got it is "heh, it doesn't even hurt" so I'll respond to that, "I know. I wasn't trying to hurt you, I am doing this to remind you that it's not ok to ____ that you did. Let this be a reminder before there needs to be consequences."
3/4 of the time that's all that's needed to stop them.
They cry and are so much more upset with other consequence. Taking away privileges. Being told to go to the cool off room. Or send outside in the cold (with appropriate
clothing) for a few min to reset there nervous system. One kid would rather wash her face with ice cold water. Works so much better than smacking a kid up! It also teaches them to realize whem they are getting out of control and need a reset. My 9 yo has a HOT temper. He will randomly go to the sink and wash his face with cold water to help himself regulate. There are so many more things and ways to get children to "behave".
I also strongly believe infiguring out where the negative behaviors are stemming from and working on that. But in the moment, they need to he addressed too.

Now back to op, I honestly don't think it was so bad. You're child will not be damaged or traumatized. DO NOT make a big deal out of it. You already apologized. Just let it slide and maybe try to work on your trigger response.
It is not ok for children to do that. A 7 year old is quiet big to do that, but still not too out of the norm. Don't let anyone make you think your child isn't normal.

There are so many tools to help children (and adults) to manage and regulate their emotions and manage their behaviors.
I can give you a gazillion suggestions, but everyone resonates and likes different things.
Go, and look for what resonates with you.

In general, I find that children come home from school wound up. And hungry. So all it takes is ONE little thing too make them blow a fuse. I mean, when I come home after a full day out, I also need a snack, a warm drink a 5 minutes of sitting with my feet up in peace. It's just normal and healthy.

Some tips to avoid these situations from escalating. Is having snacks everyone likes out BEFORE the kids come home. Stop what you're doing when they walk in. Give them a warm long hug, sit down with them on the couch for 3-5 min. Hand them a snack. Tell the kid you missed them. And share something simple about your day (I went to the shops and I found the perfect sock to match the babies shoes! I also met your last years teacher and she said she misses your sweet smile!) and listen to theirs. (I find if you ask, they feel interrogated. If you share, they want to share too)
And also have some toys easily accessible. (Not games. Those they need to use their interpersonal skills to manage. And they are too overwhelmed for that)
Be it Legos, clicks, coloring books and supplies. Whatever. (My playroom and craft rooms are downstairs. But I bring up onr bucket or sensory play every week for the living room. We have little chairs around the large coffee table and they sit there and play.) Sensory toys are still best like play doh or kinetic sand. Even my 11 year old will still enjoy to sit down and decompress with play doh. (Even I sometimes join them! Shhhh)

Also, for the poster who asked, it's perfectly fine to just bite into an apple. Imo, it tastes much better like that. But according to my kids, it's only good to eat it that way in the summer while sun bathing in the grass. Smile

I probably made a ton od typos, I hope my post makes sense. But I know if I go back to reread it I'll just delete it all. So I hope I made sense.

amother

Grape ↓

Yesterday at 7:48 pm

I once heard a speech of a very wise woman, she's written books and is very respected in the Chassidish community. She's a bubby, in her 60s, so from a generation ago . She told us that a child is compared to a Sefer Torah. Would anyone ever hit a Sefer Torah? So how could anyone ever hit a child? (Obviously as a way of Chinuch, we're not talking about OPs type situation)

amother

↑ Grape

Yesterday at 7:53 pm

Stonewash I really enjoyed reading your post. Every word was appreciated.

amother

↑ Aquamarine

Yesterday at 7:56 pm

amother Stonewash wrote:

Stop what you're doing when they walk in. Give them a warm long hug, sit down with them on the couch for 3-5 min. Hand them a snack. Tell the kid you missed them. And share something simple about your day (I went to the shops and I found the perfect sock to match the babies shoes! I also met your last years teacher and she said she misses your sweet smile!) and listen to theirs. (I find if you ask, they feel interrogated. If you share, they want to share too)
And also have some toys easily accessible. (Not games. Those they need to use their interpersonal skills to manage. And they are too overwhelmed for that)
Be it Legos, clicks, coloring books and supplies. Whatever. (My playroom and craft rooms are downstairs. But I bring up onr bucket or sensory play every week for the living room. We have little chairs around the large coffee table and they sit there and play.) Sensory toys are still best like play doh or kinetic sand. Even my 11 year old will still enjoy to sit down and decompress with play doh. (Even I sometimes join them! Shhhh)

All of the above is amazing advise but the bolded is brilliant!
Thanks for sharing about your journey from the bottom up. You are an inspiration.

amother

↑ Teal ↓

Yesterday at 8:11 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

Source for this???

Shulchan Aruch
The shulchan aruch also discusses that if one must hit a child for discipline, how one should hit the child. So that it should be a calculated & thought out thing instead of a knee jerk reaction, and only if they know that it will accomplish good.
Also says that parents should refrain from hitting their children during the 3 weeks.
And it also says that parents should not hit children that may retaliate & hit them back as " lefnei iver lo siten michshul".

amf

Yesterday at 8:19 pm

amother Stonewash wrote:

I probably made a ton od typos, I hope my post makes sense. But I know if I go back to reread it I'll just delete it all. So I hope I made sense.

Is there a way to save a post? I need to read this every single day, and I'm not the op
Thank you!!!!

amother

Aster ↓

Yesterday at 8:31 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

Is it really so uncommon? Has there been an impartial, comprehensive research study that proves this?

I was definitely the recipient of more than a few smacks as a kid. On one memorable occasion there was a barrage to the face (my mother let me go late to school that morning, I wonder why...)
And I wouldn't say it has affected me long-term in any way. I love my parents without measure, I don't experience any physical or emotional discomfort around them, I would trust them with any of my kids... I sure didn't enjoy those occasions as a kid but I received a lot of love as well, grew up feeling loved and wanted and cared for, and as an adult looking back I can recognize that those were individual instances of an otherwise-extremely-loving mother getting overwhelmed in the moment from a very hectic daily life and reacting in a bad way. But the good times farrrrrr outweighed the smacks.

As a parent myself, I don't believe in hitting. Have I ever lost myself? VERY rarely, and I regretted it every time, and I am constantly working on myself to do better. My husband has never once hit any of our kids. It's not considered an acceptable parenting approach in our home.

But I wrote this post simply to disagree that if a kid was smacked throughout their childhood, it means they will be traumatized for life, emotionally harmed, and have a bad relationship with their parents, their spouse, and their future kids. There's a lot of context which matters a lot in the overall outcome. My parents' warm love far outweighed the physical punishment I got as a kid.

amother

↑ Blue

Yesterday at 8:53 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

Please list them
I've only heard of those who say hitting is detrimental

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Yesterday at 9:09 pm

amother Aster wrote:

That’s because you either got lucky enough to marry someone who is probably a very emotionally person , or you are in denial .