when do you give your daughter "the talk"?

greenfire ↓

Sun, Feb 08 2009, 9:01 pm

I think you'd better get on the ball asap ... starting periods can range from 8 - 17 as the norm and not necessarily the same age that you got it ... I told at 7 or 8 with details to follow ...

as far as my son - I got a health video from my dd's school and we all watched ... it was FUN and enlightening ... and he certainly didn't feel ignored - he got deodorant and toothbrush in a cute package just like the girls get pads/tampons & deodorant ...

only my oldest read the book (then again she reads anything) my youngest thought it was silly ...

hadasa ↓

Sun, Feb 08 2009, 9:10 pm

My daughter's turning twelve soon. I told her about periods and body changes when she turned 11. She doesn't read English, but I sat with the book and translated bits and from it. I'm planning on going over it again now.
As for the rest of the facts, I'm vaccillating (is that the word?) between my desire to preserve her innocence as long as possible, and my fear of her hearing it from others first.
I think a lot has to do with the child's nature. Some children are more innocent and will only know if someone tells them explicitly. Others are naturally more curious and tend to pick things up even from veiled comments. These need to be spoken to earlier.
I leave it to my husband to talk to the boys. Again, some will figure things out from Gemara, Rambam, Tanya etc., others won't.

PeachTree

Sun, Feb 08 2009, 9:25 pm

I told my girls when they were anywhere between 10 and 11 yrs. old. I'd much rather they hear it from me rather then friends.

Besides I strongly feel talking to your daughter about the facts of life gives both of you the opportunity to build a very close relationship.

I don't feel it important to talk about the "birds and the bees" at that point. I personally think it should be left for later. I think their inocence should be preserved. From a Torahdiga perspective it should definitely be kept that way!!

ROFL

Mon, Feb 09 2009, 2:17 am

when you start talking to your DD watch her expressions and see if she is able to handle life's issues.

When my DD was 9 we went to the dentist and she told me that she was getting her wisdom teeth in early-- she mentioned to me that means he body is maturing and that she may get her period soon-- so I started to ahve the talk and my DD freaked out - she was not ready for that experience -so I stopped the conversation--I then approached her again when she was 11 she was then ready to hear about it, anyways she did not get her period for another two years and thankfully she was able to deal with it then.

↑ amother

Mon, Feb 09 2009, 3:48 am

ok now I don't get a/t
I have young daughters (oldest 8) but I think I'll wait a bit before telling her
have no sons yet but what 's all this about wetting their bed??
you mean "zerah " comes out ?
what do you even tell boys???
anon bec embarassed don't know

↑ hadasa

Mon, Feb 09 2009, 4:53 am

I'm no expert on this, because, as I said, my husband deals with this part. I'll explain to the best of my ability, and others will correct me where I'm wrong.
As boys mature they may begin to have what's called "wet dreams" during which semen can escape at night. This is what is referred to as "Chataos Neurim", "Shmiras Habris" etc.. This is one of the reasons for Shmiras Einayim etc., for to an extent it is psychologically influenced by one's thoughts during the day. Boys need to be made aware of this and to learn what they can do to prevent it as much as possible, although, from what I understand, it's practically impossible to prevent it completely.

bbmom ↓

Mon, Feb 09 2009, 5:40 am

My mother gave me the book when I was 10 or 11. With my sister she sat down with her and only then gave her the book. I think she did that because she knew our different personalities very well and she knew that I wouldn't be very open about it. It was perfect - where my sis needed to ask tons and tons of questions I didn't - that's my personality.

I vouch for the book - it's very clear and informative for a girl that age.

As far as boys - DH's father gave him the puberty speech at about age 12. I'm not sure exactly what he told him but basically along the lines of changes in his body (pubic hair, and phisiological changes to the ever which includes wet dreams and the like). DH has told me that in his yeshiva days most of his friends did not get such a speech and were expected just to ''figure it out as it comes' - in his words "they spent a few years being embarrassed and uncomfortable with their own bodies and it's not healthy."

↑ greenfire ↓

Mon, Feb 09 2009, 6:57 am

amother wrote:

yes - boys go through puberty - their bodies grow - hormones surge and they have no control at these stages ... if they don't know about it - they can become very uncomfortable in their own skin ... someone's gotta tell them ...

Atali ↓

Mon, Feb 09 2009, 7:46 am

I think if your daughter is physically developed it is necessary to tell her earlier. I have a few friends who told me that they go their periods at eight or nine and were scared because they didn't know what it was.

I think I will explain it to my DD about a year before I think she will get it or at age 10, whichever comes first.

↑ greenfire ↓

Mon, Feb 09 2009, 7:52 am

Atali wrote:

whichever comes first ?!?!?! how will you know when a year before is ?!?!?! try 8 so she doesn't end up scared like the girls you speak of !!! Idea

shalhevet

Mon, Feb 09 2009, 7:57 am

greenfire wrote:

Atali wrote:

whichever comes first ?!?!?! how will you know when a year before is ?!?!?! try 8 so she doesn't end up scared like the girls you speak of !!! Idea

Come on greenie. Getting a period is not the first sign of puberty - you can tell if a girl is starting to physically mature. I think just the same as Atali. I told my daughters at around 11.5 but I would have told them earlier if I'd seen they were starting to physically mature. my oldest dd got at 12.5, the next hasn't started yet at 13. My youngest dd is 9 and I have no intention of telling her for the moment.

↑ Atali

Mon, Feb 09 2009, 8:02 am

shalhevet wrote:

greenfire wrote:

Atali wrote:

whichever comes first ?!?!?! how will you know when a year before is ?!?!?! try 8 so she doesn't end up scared like the girls you speak of !!! Idea

Exactly. Usually a girl will start to develop breasts first. I may also tell earlier if the girl is heavy, since heavy girls often get it earlier. The only reason why I wouldn't wait until after 10 is because I would be afraid that they would hear it from other girls at that point. I would imagine that would be less of a concern in Shalhevet's DD's school, since she mentioned elsewhere that her 14-year-old DD still doesn't know the rest of the facts of life. Here in Baltimore I would be quite suprised if there are more than a few 14-year-olds who do not know about that yet.

↑ indianamom5 ↓

Mon, Feb 09 2009, 9:33 pm

thanks for all of the input. I actually had a chance to talk to her about it while driving her home from the dentist-we were alone for once- and she seemed ok with it. I did buy the book for her since she is a real reader and loves information. she had a few questions and I told her that she can always ask me things and that since it is a private thing it is better not to discuss it with her younger sister(8) who may not be ready to hear it yet. also, not to ask her friends any questions since they may not have the correct info. better to ask me. I am hoping it will be a while, since she is pretty thin and is not really developed at all. phew, I am glad that is over for now!