S/o potching with explosive children

amother

↑ Plum ↓

Sat, Jan 11 2025, 8:29 pm

amother PlumPink wrote:

Plumpink this was so raw and real. My child is much younger but I’m afraid of a future where this could get worse. Besides the rage, what other signs of ASD were there? Mine doesn’t seem to have ASD or ADHD. Just rage. And the rest of the time she is really sweet and wonderful but when she gets triggered…. Yes I’ve also locked myself with my other kids in a room while she is destructive. But it’s hard to get her to stop.

ETA: I meant Plum! I quoted myself by mistake!

So much of it has been choosing my battles.

Giving waaaay more screen time than I would prefer, and not taking away as a punishment.

Because when I did take away screen time, he would completely lose control. He would get violent toward his siblings. He would follow me from room to room screaming. He once was tantruming so hard that he punched through a glass window pane, and only that pain and shock got him to stop. And I just calmly and quietly picked glass out of my 5’10”, 150lb 14-year-old’s hand as he sobbed like a toddler.

I’m sure BestBubby and the like would tell me I was raising an abusive husband, a terrorist, a monster. (Hi there, if you’ve found this thread 👋. You’re a permanent voice in my head now, my therapist knows about you. It hurts to have you around in my head but you’ve got your roots in deep. I try to remember you’re trying to be helpful, but you don’t live in my house. You will never know or love my kids like I do.)

But that’s how he is slowly learning what it feels like to be in control of his emotions and reactions to things. I have to be okay with dropping my pride and self image of what a “good mom” looks like and give my child what he needs. I don’t insist on him going to shul, I don’t police his homework, I don’t make him eat what I’ve made for supper.

And that saves the confrontations for the things that matter. I have more energy and patience to deal with it, and I think he does too, because he isn’t in a constant state of fight-or-flight.

I don’t know what else to say. It’s still a journey and I don’t feel especially wise or wonderful. I’m just doing the best I can.

amother

↑ Butterscotch ↓

Sat, Jan 11 2025, 8:56 pm

amother Plum wrote:

Some children need their screens to regulate themselves. There are adults like that too. It's okay to give your child what HE needs, not what people think he should need.

Keep fighting the judgmental voices in your head. You deserve to be compassionate to yourself, and to your son. Remember that there are many other mothers who have acquired wisdom the hard way out there, silently cheering you on.

amother

↑ Plum

Sat, Jan 11 2025, 8:57 pm

amother Butterscotch wrote:

Thank you so much, this really really means a lot to me 🫂

amother

DarkOrange ↓

Sat, Jan 11 2025, 9:00 pm

I don't believe in potching at all. However, I have an explosive child. If she gets upset, she can get completely out of control, destroying things around her and hurting people. Sometimes the only way to get her to stop in the moment is with a potch. (Not terribly hard or painful.) Always feel terribly guilty after, but she usually cries for a minute or two and then calms down and becomes her adorable self again. I think they need something to give them a little shock back into normalcy.

amother

↑ Butterscotch ↓

Sat, Jan 11 2025, 9:03 pm

amother DarkOrange wrote:

I'm saying there are ways to give a shock to their nervous system without potching. You don't have to hurt them to calm them down.

amother

DarkRed

Sat, Jan 11 2025, 9:32 pm

I use ice cubes a lot to help my child, he holds a bag with a few ice cubes when he goes to sleep, etc but in the moment of a massive tantrum, he's not interested, and if I force it he gets even more angry.
It's such a hard thing, when he's logical we can have discussions etc, when he gets angry he will destroy the house, abuse siblings and parents physically, holding blocking only works so far.
He's 9.
Sometimes a pinch (not sure how it started ) works to stop him and then we can start regulating him.
I really don't believe in pitching, I don't even find that it works usually, but in this specific case it has helped

amother

Vermilion ↓

Sat, Jan 11 2025, 10:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

If you have a higher needs child, explosive child etc, I’m wondering if you potch and if you think it’s effective?

I have a child with adhd and anxiety (potentially ocd, that’s something we are looking into now). She is explosive, extreme, moody, demanding, etc. there are frequent meltdowns, hurled insults, yelling at siblings and parents, occasional physical fight but bH not often. She is also wonderful and capable and loving and talented, and so much more, but for the sake of this thread that’s not what we are discussing!

We don’t potch her, it’s not something we believe in at all. But on a different thread someone said that she has one child who needs to be parented that way and it received many likes. So I want to hear your thoughts! How do you parent your explosive child? What have you found to be affective?

This is specifically for the more extreme explosive children. Not highly special needs, and not typical children who occasionally act out as all kids do.

I found it backfired. So zero gain. Didn’t even snap them out they reacted as if a sibling attacked them in middle of their tantrum. I have not found what does work though.

amother

↑ Butterscotch ↓

Sat, Jan 11 2025, 11:00 pm

amother DarkOrange wrote:

I would love ideas, can you elaborate? all I saw was the cold water but honestly I think that would be way more painful for her than a light potch.

It might be more painful. It's not about the pain. It's about teaching effective skills and enhancing your relationship.

Look at it this way. If splashing cold water on her face works, would you like that to be a skill she uses on herself? If hitting her works, do you want her to start hitting herself?

The difference isn't in the level of physical pain but in the level of emotional damage. Gentle hitting does not damage kids physically but it damages them emotionally. Teaching self-regulation skills is what enhances then emotionally. I'm talking not about just short-term but about our long-term goals for our children.

But you can look for others. DBT has many ideas that work for all different types of dysregulation. And that your child can learn to manage her life going forward.

amother

SandyBrown

Yesterday at 8:04 am

amother OP wrote:

For years it was literally the only thing that helped. Now he is too old to be potched so when he gets out of control and WILL NOT calm down, and there's no one to talk to, then we pick up the phone to our insurance company to get an ER referral. We have had a few unused referrals, the fact that we are telling someone outside and an ambulance crew may come to get him and one of us, supported by police officers who can and will use physical force if needed - calms him down. It's like putting him in a physical hold except mentally. We still sometimes put him in a physical hold and we still sometimes have to lock him in his room.

BTW he is HFASD. Which we only found out one year ago. And since then we've started explaining to him what that means and started filling in gaps and correcting misconceptions and it's a LOT better. Also because he is on meds now.

But before all the gentle parenting tactics did not work and backfired. Backfired because you can't hand control of the family to a violent 3yo. And that's essentially what he was. A violent 3yo in a much bigger body with the verbal skills of a 1yo. No one to talk to until we started meds.

I do have a kid, more than one actually, who I can effectively gentle parent. But it does not work on HFASD kids, or at least not all of them.

amother

↑ Vermilion ↓

Yesterday at 11:11 am

amother Lily wrote:

I have a child with ADHD and anxiety with oppositional tendencies and lots of trouble with emotional regulation. He also has rejection sensitive dysphoria, so harsh parenting is like a knife in his heart. It took DH several years to realize that he doesn’t just need to be “put in his place “ and come around to a gentle parenting approach. There were at least one or two times when he potched DS and it only made things so much worse. It hurt DS to the core and caused him to try to take revenge. BH since then we have found an amazing therapist who has guided us and DS is doing worlds better.

can you please share name of therapist this sounds like my kid without he rejection sensitive dysphoria. Who helps you?

amother

↑ Butterscotch

Yesterday at 11:20 am

amother Vermilion wrote:

How do you get a raging four year old to hold ice cubes or to splash water on her own face?

First of all, you talk about it during calm times. A social story book could be helpful (that's a book you write yourself, you can Google it.) So can a therapist who teaches him the skills that you are going to reinforce at home. And different children want different skills, so be open to hearing what works better for her. (Cold works well for a lot of children but some children simply need time alone or music or something else.)

But you're going to have to step in initially. Yes, you can hold her and bring her to the sink and splash cold water on her face (while she's standing). You can give her an ice cube and hold it in her hand.

(Never give direct commands or instructions to a raging person. It never works and always backfires. You can give hints or suggestions or take action.)

These things aren't punishments. You're not trying to hurt her. You're simply insisting that she use a safe calm down behavior. On an emotional level she absolutely feels the difference. You're not saying she's bad and you're not saying she should be hurt. You're saying she needs to calm down and if she can't do it herself you will help her. Eventually, if the calm down skills you're using do work for her, she'll take over and start doing them occasionally by herself and then more frequently.

amother

↑ Vermilion

Yesterday at 11:30 am

amother Butterscotch wrote:

I understand it’s not a punishment. I will try to discuss in calm time.

amother

Ginger

Yesterday at 11:52 am

I didn't read everyone's posts here.
I'll share about one of my kids. I don't potch as a "shitta" becuase it feel it does more damage than good.
But.
There are extenuating circumstances.
I have one kid who really struggles with regulation. (Adhd/anxeity)
She's explosive and curses yells and threatens to murder us.... we deal with it all.
One thing I did potch for was fir when's he was being violent. She's 60 lbs now, but she won't stay 60 lbs forever..... she has already thrown hard plastic toys and given her sister stitches and scars on her face. Caused too many bruises on all of us.
We do other extreme measures. But we have potched to get her to stop in the moment.
I have since learned new techniques to do that will do the same as a potch. (someone on imamother said that putting ice in her shirt. It worked a few times. And will often then make her laugh! So that's an extra bonus) my house is in complete disrepair. She has broken ceramic sinks in anger (min 3k to replace becuase it's a custom size to fit in the small space and the entire vanity needs to be replaced) She kicked many holes in the walls. Broke the tile at the entrance by forcefully throwing heavy items intentionally from the top of the stairs. Broken kitchen drawes and cabinets. Heavy duty expensive furniture And literally ripped the door off with it's door frame from her room, amongst other things....
What we've learned is that once she get in a rage there IS NO getting her out of it until she wears herself out.
So sometimes we do give a potch to snap her out of her downward spiral if I see there I no time to get to different tools.
She very likely has RSD and we try to avoid potching, but is still something we do in an emergency. (Yes it's an emergency)

We make sure she gets enough sleep, proper nutrition, enough 1on1 and try to avoid triggers.
It works most of the time.

Out boundaries are being destructive, voilent, and verbally violent (I'm gonna kill you!) Or shrieking just for the sake of shrieking in anger. (It terrifies the other kids especially the toddler who's in general still afraid of loud noises)

But actual violence against another human (or behaviour that can injur another) if I can't get her away. Will get a potch.

We also talk alot about it being on to to feel angry. But not ok to act angry in a bad way. (All those cool ideas to give out anger..... in the moment she doesn't want to use them. We had pinching bags, sensory corners, waited blankets. Many more. She refused to utilize them.)

So if you asked me if I potch, in general my answer is no.