Did your impossible child get happily married?

amother

OP ↓

Yesterday at 3:49 pm

Looking for some light here ladies.

My daughter is 15, has pretty much always been combative, defiant, difficult to parent, and now as a teen is also rude and moody.

We receive parenting therapy which has helped us with boundaries but still she is hand-wringingly hard. I think the most frustrating part is that she doesn't see herself and how she comes across, and therefore always feels the victim.

A big concern for me is that she won't be able to sustain a marital relationship, that she will fight with her poor husband and never take responsibility for her mistakes.

Do you have a happy ending story for me please?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 4:13 pm

amother Pansy wrote:

Maybe she can marry my son who sounds just like her. Just kidding.

Following to see what others say. I have the same fear/worry.

That's funny... Thanks for putting a smile on my face. I feel you sista!

amother

cornflower

Yesterday at 4:33 pm

Not child, but had an exceedingly stubborn, annoying brother, who has turned out to be a brilliant husband and father. It took him really becoming mature, to completely change.
Sounds like she just really needs to mature as well, to learn the skills to see beyond herself and her own needs.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 4:35 pm

amother cornflower wrote:

Bless you! You've given me just the sort of hope I was craving!!

amother

Pink ↓

Yesterday at 5:21 pm

I think my parents would've written this about me at that age.
I'm married bh, we have some challenges but we work through them by communicating etc and overall happy. I'm a great mother especially because I understand my kids difficulties and frustrations and treat them respectfully even when they're being a bit difficult.

I went to therapy for a few years before I got married which helped loads. My parents tried to send me for therapy as a teenager I didn't want to and they didn't force. I'm glad they waited until I wanted to go.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 5:22 pm

amother Magnolia wrote:

Curious what parenting therapy looks like? Never heard of this?

A therapist who helps us with various problems with our kids. She helps us help them, teaching us tools and techniques to be more effective parents.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 5:24 pm

amother Amaryllis wrote:

Um I think I was the difficult/impossible one... Bh married now!

This is intriguing! Please explain to me what was going through your head when you were being impossible? Did you gain a self awareness as you grew older to get you to a point of realizing your behavior was unacceptable? Did you ever apologize to your parents for what you put them through?

amother

↑ OP

Yesterday at 5:27 pm

amother Pink wrote:

This is so great for me to read. My daughter also refuses therapy and we aren't forcing her to go, which is why we go to therapy to at least help from our side. Also love that your teenage experiences not only didn't hinder your ability to be a good mom but actually helped!

amother

↑ Pink

Yesterday at 5:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

I hope your daughter matures into an amazing woman. It sounds like you're doing your best to support her.
Another thing is that after getting married my relationship with my parents is really good, we love spending time with them because there is no judgement or anxiety from their part.
Whereas even once I matured whilst I was still single and living at home my mother was obviously worried about shidduchim and worried about my behaviour/dress etc. whereas once I was married to nice normal guy who they liked everything became much easier.

amother

Fern

Yesterday at 6:08 pm

My parents would’ve probably written this about me at 15. The thing is that in reality I wasn’t impossible, I was simply in pain and very misunderstood.

amother

Bronze

Yesterday at 6:20 pm

I was the most difficult child and I got married first. B”H did very well. Just like the other poster said, I was very misunderstood (like I was popped into the wrong family by mistake). Now we are all close and everything is fine B”H.

amother

Seagreen

Yesterday at 6:25 pm

My mother thought I was impossible. In reality, she was triggered by my personality because it's too similar to my father's. I am bh very happily married. I get along wonderfully with my dh. My relationship with my mom also improved once I moved out of the house.

amother

Aster

Yesterday at 6:52 pm

Yes
Now she says she doesn't know why she was so oppositional.
Anxiety was definitely a component and she got married later so she had a chance to mature.

Movernshaker

Yesterday at 6:52 pm

amother Magnolia wrote:

Curious what parenting therapy looks like? Never heard of this?

There are a few different aspects therapists look at in parenting. I'll just mention a few.
1- teaching skills
2- how do you parenting in general, how does it apply in the current situation
3- what have you tried and why isn't it working, is there anything else to include
4- how were you parented and are you trying to compare to that
5- what's the child's struggle and how can we tune in to that
6- how can we make changes without the child feeling that fingers are pointed to him/her.

I'm sure there's more.

amother

Mimosa

Yesterday at 7:09 pm

My MIL often says my husband was “impossible”, but I honestly don’t know what that means.

MIL is a very “children should be seen and not heard, pull yourself up by your bootstraps” strict and old-fashioned personality. Her father was in the US Navy and then owned factories after the war, and she has high expectations of all her kids.

DH is likely on the spectrum, and extremely professionally competent and intelligent. Definitely has a lot of rigidity about certain routines and foods, and it has taken a decade and a half of work on our marriage for us to be able to communicate better. I was always feeling irrational and inferior about having emotions compared to him.

MIL said he had major anger issues as a teenager, and BH I never saw that, if anything, he was frustratingly stoic and unforgiving of my very human and normal needs for validation, support and empathy for far too long.

amother

Azalea

Yesterday at 7:10 pm

I was an impossible child in many ways.
I am married in a stable relationship.
I still struggle emotionally but I work incredibly hard on my regulation and think I'm a fairly good parent and spouse.
Like someone else said, I understand my complicated kids well.
As for what I was thinking, I probably have hfasd and was very, very misunderstood, as well as just have an extremely dysregulated nervous system.
I feel terrible for what I put my parent through. I had zero self awareness, which I believe is part of the hfasd. I understand myself much better now and frankly am ashamed of how I behaved, but I couldn't help myself or be helped. I didn't even know I had issues and wouldn't have believed anyone if they tried pointing it out to me.
I wish I could have gotten proper help but I'm not sure what that would have looked like.

bigsis144

Yesterday at 7:13 pm

Movernshaker wrote:

I desperately need this, it’s been recommended to me after both of my sons were diagnosed with ADHD + autism.

How do you find someone who specifically deals with neurodivergent kids and the challenges they present?

I’ve read so many books on parenting that left me feeling broken and confused, and even had a professional therapist blame me for my kids’ behavior.