If you're not in agreement with the school, don't pretend.

chanatron1000 ↓

Yesterday at 11:39 am

This is kind of a spinoff of the other thread, but I've heard many people say, in one form or another, that parents need to follow the school's approach at home and be a united front, for the sake of consistency.

I couldn't disagree more. If parents and schools are not on the same page, then pretending to be is sheker. It rings hollow and the kids usually can see right through it.

Also, when the school really is being wrong or unfair, it's actually harmful for the kids to see the school and the parents on the same side. Because it makes the kids feel like the whole world is conspiring against them. And they're almost right!

It's a good thing for kids to know that there is more than one way to do things, and that adults don't always agree on anything even when they're working together. And it's crucial for kids to know that their parents are looking out for them.

amother

Oxfordblue

Yesterday at 12:37 pm

I personally find it helpful to lower kids' expectations of teachers and of school. When they are frustrated over certain understandable things, I try to get them to reconsider their expectations. Among other things:

1. School is a group environment. It has to balance the needs of everyone in the group.

2. Teachers can't know and see everything that happens. They make decisions based on the information available to them at the time of the decision, and often have to decide quickly and move on (see #1 and #3).

3. Schools have constraints on time, resources, and staff.

4. In a hashkafically mixed school, #1 and #3 mean that most families will differ with stuff taught at school, at least sometimes. This is OK and is not a basis to disrespect the school or to disrespect a classmate's family.

5. Just like factories have safety gedarim and halacha has built-in gedarim, school also has to have certain built-in gedarim to manage safety, hygiene, resource constraints, and discipline. And these gedarim may be based on the average or even below-average person. So even if most second graders can responsibly manage hot water and only 10% can't, it may be a reasonable geder to not allow any second graders to use a hot water tap during lunch, because even a small chance of a severe hot water burn is too high for the classroom.

So they should expect some school decisions to be frustrating and feel unfair. It may even be that they ARE unfair. But a certain amount of unfairness or occasional unreasonableness is inevitable and needs to be expected.

Fox

Today at 1:52 pm

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

This is absolutely brilliant, and I hope more people read and respond to it, if only to hit "like." Helping kids think this way builds resilience and helps kids strike a balance between fitting in and sticking out in negative ways. Thanks for articulating it so perfectly!

amother

Lightyellow

Today at 2:20 pm

We called our Rav to ask some shaylos about tznius for our daughter. He told us what age specific Halachos apply as an absolute limit, but he also said “but whatever age the school says to wear skirts, that’s when she should wear skirts at home, and whatever age the skirts at school need to cover her knees, they should always be covering her knees… the most important thing is for her to see that the rules her morahs are telling her and the rules her parents are telling her match”.

We live OOT though and the school rules are all real halachos (other than the uniform skirt piece, but that is explainable/ understandable)

amother

Bronze ↓

Today at 2:33 pm

chanatron1000 wrote:

Is it really sheker too not tell your children your thought on every issue? Following the rules because you believe in following the rules you agreed to is sheker?

amother

Mintgreen

Today at 3:31 pm

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

I also like this, in general. I'm curious how you apply it to school rules about what must be done and followed outside of school too.