Parents divorced causes issues

amother

Yesterday at 10:53 pm

I am a morah I have a child in my group with an extremely difficult parent situation. The parents are divorced and every month I have to ask for half the tuition from the mom and the other half from father. The mother listens and pays up but the father Omg he starts yelling at me that the mother is supposed to pay all of it and then I go tell the mother what the father said and then there’s this huge fight between them and I’m in the middle of all of it just to get the tuition money that I desperately need. The father is a narcissist (the mom has told me many stories about him ) it’s unfair to me that every month I have to go through this just to get the tuition. It’s uncomfortable any advice what I should do? As a side note the child who comes to me is extremely wild and is uncontrollable. The whole situation makes me wish I never took this family.

purplejellybean

Yesterday at 11:19 pm

Do you get your money at the end? You are really in a bad situation but think of it like this if you do get the money but with Agmas Nefesh , If we are kind and patient with Hashem's children he will do the same for you. If you do not get your money then I understand its even more frustration and perhaps need to have a frank conversation with the father. I just feel terrible for the little child.

amother

Cantaloupe ↓

Yesterday at 11:19 pm

Sounds like an impossible situation. If the ex wife is dealing with a narcissistic husband, if the child is seeing his father often then you can not imagine the pain of each of them. For the child it may cause lifelong damage. Anything you do for this child is a huge huge chesed and Hashem will definitely repay. As a safe adult in this child's life you can make a lifelong positive impact in so many ways. Maybe ask a rav and don't ask the father for his side of tuition and count it as maaser money. In my experience you will see Hashem will repay big time.

You're complaining about the parents but I'm even more concerned and crying for this child!

Molly Weasley ↓

Yesterday at 11:26 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

Sounds like an impossible situation. If the ex wife is dealing with a narcissistic husband, if the child is seeing his father often then you can not imagine the pain of each of them. For the child itay cause lifelong damage. Anything you do for this child is a huge huge cheesed and Hashem will definitely repay. Maybe ask a rav and don't ask the father for his side of tuition and county is as maaser money. In my experience you will see Hashem will repay big time.

Piggybacking off this,
It's not your job to figure it out every month. There's no reason why you have to ask or beg for money each month; you can tell the mother you're happy to work with her, but it's not your job to beg for payment.

However! Given the situation, you might be able to count this a tzedakah, ask a ruv. And if you do, Its a win win.

Hatzlacha! And kudos for looking out for the kid.

amother

Tealblue

Yesterday at 11:33 pm

Ouch. Poor Child!!

I am sorry you're in middle of this craziness.
You shouldn't be the one dealing with this. Who is their mediator?

Alternatively can the mother pay you one month and the father the other month? Like this you only have to deal with him once in two months not every single month.

I am a wedding photographer and very often have these situations to the point where I wanted to advertise it as a specialty because I figured out how to do this respectfully and efficiently.

amother

↑ Cantaloupe

Yesterday at 11:44 pm

amother Tealblue wrote:

. I am a wedding photographer and very often have these situations to the point where I wanted to advertise it as a specialty because I figured out how to do this respectfully and efficiently.

Wow! Can you share your tricks? It's extremely difficult when it comes to narcissists.

amother

Cornsilk

Today at 6:34 am

My parents were divorced my mother had to beg my father monthly to pay. It was very hard for him. They would fight. My mother would entreat the school. We were a tzedaka case it felt like.

↑ Molly Weasley

Today at 7:27 am

#BestBubby wrote:

In future, when dealing with divorced parents,

Ask each parent to sign a tuition contract with the amount they are supposed to pay

A friend of mine dealt with this exact situation, only that they got divorced or separated during the year. Now what?

amother

Coffee

Today at 7:56 am

Don't allow the father to triangulate you. You are getting suckered into being a go between in their mess.

Normally and for the future if you take a child in a messy situation you only collect from one party and they are the only one responsible to pay, dividing up behind the scenes is not your concern.

I'm not sure how to get out of the triangle, hopefully someone has a good idea for you that works.

Of course the child has issues, they are in the center of trauma right now. This child is reacting with this behavior. Other kids react differently, but they aren't immune.