Shiduch and weight

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 6:39 am

amother Cyclamen wrote:

Not anything. If someone asked bra size you would answer?

I'm generally not privy to other peoples' bra sizes, with all due respect. I have never asked anyone theirs, have you?

I would hope the questioner is more tznius and appropriate than that, anyway. But if they would ask me if a girl is thin, or more curvy, etc....I would answer honestly.

amother

↑ Maple ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 6:41 am

amother Cyclamen wrote:

Not anything. If someone asked bra size you would answer?

TBF, you don't know someone's bra size just from looking at them, and if you do, you should be using your talent by working at a bra store...

amother

↑ Cyclamen ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 6:41 am

Chayalle wrote:

First of all my point is not everything should be asked or answered. I think asking what size the girl is is not that different from asking what bra size

amother

Azalea

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 6:42 am

amother Maple wrote:

You asked him for his opinion of a relative's body????

Mind boggling. I'm wondering if parents actually sit their kids down and talk to them about what really important. But let's first nix shidduchim by planting ideas in his head about body sizes.

amother

↑ Maple ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 6:43 am

Chayalle wrote:

I would hope the questioner is more tznius and appropriate than that, anyway. But if they would ask me if a girl is thin, or more curvy, etc....I would answer honestly.

The problem is that there are apparently a lot of people who think that size 2 is thin, size 4 is medium, size 6 is a little large and size 10 is big.

Also, someone can't be thin and curvy at the same time, because thin means thin everywhere. But someone can have a tiny waist and larger hips and breasts, and that's curvy.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 6:48 am

amother Cyclamen wrote:

First of all my point is not everything should be asked or answered. I think asking what size the girl is is not that different from asking what bra size

I'm not sure I agree. I think it's ok to ask a general, overall type of question if it gives a person an idea and serves as a frame of reference. Like asking something like - do you mean she's a curvy size 12-14, or size 18-20?
If this matters to someone, they can ask.

I have written many times on this site that we didn't give out pictures with our girls (kudos to two amazing woman who survived their sons dating my daughters without a picture. Based on what I read on this site, they are absolute heroines.) The flip side of that is that I consider information gathering - to a point! I stop at bra sizes and the like - to be a normal part of the shidduch process and appropriate to do. You are allowed to ask specific questions, so long as they don't cross certain lines.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 6:51 am

amother Maple wrote:

It's interesting because I can be different sizes depending on the cut of the clothing...and in many stores nowadays, clothes go from size S, M, L, XL....and I have dresses in almost all of these sizes (guess which one I don't anymore....)

I think the question should be more about a ballpark than a specific number. And if something is important to someone (the boy! for the hopelessly obtuse) then it can be asked. (and if he needs to know the bra size, he's not marriage material, and nothing should be asked on his behalf.)

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 6:52 am

amother Azalea wrote:

Mind boggling. I'm wondering if parents actually sit their kids down and talk to them about what really important. But let's first nix shidduchim by planting ideas in his head about body sizes.

I actually don't think anyone should tell their son what is really important. If he's shidduch age, hopefully his chinuch taught him that already. And if not, it's too late. Beyond that, a person can have a preference. And a boy should marry a girl he's attracted to. So if he really has a preference (not, his mother has a preference) he should say so and his mother should look for that for him.

amother

↑ Maple ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 6:54 am

But why do we treat this preference as more acceptable than others, just because it's in line with society's toxic obsession with thinness?

Boys who express other preferences are often seen as weird.

Ruchel ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 7:17 am

amother Fuchsia wrote:

I am very upfront. DD (not to mention her beautiful middot) is not a petite, waif like, blonde, damsel in distress. She is a gorgeous 5’8”, curvy, and a size 12-14. She has dark, thick, curly hair. She has been turned down for not being 5’2” , size 0, and having straight thin blonde hair-you know the kind that really benefits from extensions when making a simcha. If you’re not interested in her for that reason, I think you are an idiot, but I would rather you don’t waste my time, try a date and hurt her, or marry her and make her feel insecure.

What you describe is a dream for many men.
Tall, curvy but definitely not big, curly, dark. Girls pay for curls

PinkFridge ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 7:53 am

amother Maple wrote:

Sad. What's wrong with a boy saying, he doesn't need to know in advance so will express no preference?

amother

↑ Crocus ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 7:54 am

amother Maple wrote:

Because it’s not weird for boys to be attracted to thin women. Simple. You are conflating toxic thinness/ waif models with normal thin girls. The Gemara says a boy who marties a woman sight unseen is transgressing ואהבת לרעך כמוך because he may marry her but be unattracted to her and that is unfair to her.

amother

↑ Crocus

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 7:57 am

amother Maple wrote:

You asked him for his opinion of a relative's body????

Yes. He mentioned he wants someone who is not on the heavy squad. Did you want us to start pulling out magazine pictures? We mentioned a cousin he sees all the time as a frame of reference. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever.

amother

↑ Maple ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 8:02 am

PinkFridge wrote:

Sad. What's wrong with a boy saying, he doesn't need to know in advance so will express no preference?

I'm not sure what you mean?

amother

↑ Maple

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 8:04 am

amother Crocus wrote:

No, your "normal thin girls" are as thin as they can be without being waif models. And you're viewing normal not thin girls as inherently less attractive, which they're not.

Nobody's asking anyone to marry anyone sight unseen. In fact, the Gemara supports my point very well: for a man to know whether he finds a woman attractive, he should see her in real life. Not make the decision based on the description on paper.

↑ PinkFridge ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 8:20 am

amother Crocus wrote:

But it's very relative. And pictures don't tel the full story.

↑ PinkFridge ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 8:21 am

amother Crocus wrote:

And if not everyone knows that cousin?

↑ PinkFridge

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 8:22 am

amother Maple wrote:

I'm not sure what you mean?

What I mean is, boys are looked at as weird if they don't want a skinny girl? That's what I thought you meant.
So I suggested an easy workaround.

amother

Sunflower ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 8:25 am

News to me that most people prefer straight blonde hair. Is that a fact in the frum world? My husband and I both prefer very dark hair and both got it Smile