Chutzpah post high school

↑ ora_43 ↓

Yesterday at 4:39 am

amother OP wrote:

She has always been on edge, chutzpah to an extent, struggle with yiddishkeit. This behavior isn’t new now tho she is less willing to pretend she’s a sweet girl and showing her true colors to the world. I love her dearly and have been putting up with a lot for years somehow when she speaks disrespectful later at night I’ve always told myself she’s tired, overwhelmed basically made excuses in my mind. Now when she’s doing this midday in public I’ve had a wake up call that this is not coming from tiredness. It happens to be that my in laws have a very very difficult personality like this and I fear she’s the same. I also know that people in the street avoid them or talk nebach about them. I guess I’m grateful she’s not interested in dating right now.

Some of this framing feels overly negative.

I really doubt she was "pretending" to be sweet as a child and now is letting her true self show. More likely, she genuinely wants to be a good person and doesn't like herself when she snaps at others - but for whatever reason she was more able to control herself when she was younger.

The idea that she might be like your in-laws almost sounds like you're writing her off. Adult kids can be rude or spoiled without being doomed to be terrible difficult people who nobody wants to be with.

I'm not saying this to blame you or anything. But I think a big part of dealing with difficult kids is the part where you find it in yourself to genuinely like them and focus on the good in them. So I do think it's worth looking at your framing, and whether maybe you're slipping into thinking of her as 'the difficult one' or 'just like (MIL)' or whatever, and if so, make an effort to shift away from that.

amother

↑ Dill

Yesterday at 4:40 am

amother Chocolate wrote:

Huh? Most ppl move out after highschool. Why would they not have a relationship? It's not healthy for adult kids to live at home. She probably would prefer living somewhere else.

It depends on your circle. I don’t know if this is relevant to OP’s daughter but It’s very unusual for a bais yaakov girl to move out at that stage and perhaps can effect her dating life tremendously.

↑ ora_43

Yesterday at 5:31 am

OP, sorry, a couple more questions.

- Do you have any idea if your daughter wants to move out?
- If she was interested in moving out, would you and your dh be willing to help her pay rent?
- When she's calm, what reason does she give for her own behavior? You've shared what you say after things calm down, what does she say? Does she apologize? Ignore you? Get mad again?