Does a mommy's loving heart expand with each new child

amother

Bronze

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 12:12 pm

To be extremely honest, no my love for my first did not diminish when I had my second. Maybe my patience diminished a little because now that’s split. But I’m not sure I love my second as much as my oldest. I didn’t have the same excitement when he was born. He is less demanding of my attention so my oldest gets more. I am less obsessed with every single tiny little accomplishment because I’ve seen it before. I really really try not to be like this and of course never to make it obvious to either kid.

mushkamothers ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 12:34 pm

I once heard it as a flame that can ignite other candles without taking away from itself

There's a few other factors you're not considering.

1. The older child gets older and your relationship changes regardless if there's a new baby or not. You're correlating it with the new baby but if there was no new baby, your older kid would still be a toddler etc

2. The new baby, hormonally, is attached to you in a deeper way, this is biological. You get oxytocin by smelling, seeing him etc

3. As they need you less physically, and more emotionally, you naturally start to separate. Again this is biological. You're not going to kiss up your 5 year old the way you will your newborn, even if you're a touchy person.

Bottom line don't be too harsh on yourself. This can be considered the kind of Attachment rupture that makes the relationship stronger when repaired

amother

Lightpink

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 12:47 pm

Being hyper focused in all ways on the new baby is normal and healthy for both mother and baby.
I think moms and new babies are enmeshed in a way that would not be healthy in any other stage of life but during fourth trimester it is healing and necessary. The little thing lived inside you for nine months and is now outside but still very helpless and depends on mama for actual survival.
Almost everything else gets pushed aside to a certain degree during postpartum (You yourself as a person, Marriage, other kids)and slowly balance will be restored. Give yourself the slack your body and mind need to recuperate properly.

amother

Cyclamen

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 2:41 pm

Yes each baby gets total love, care and attention which is how we develop a meaningful and lasting bond with the little human. That bond will grow as they grow and it's just the nature of the relationship that changes with time. At first we spend almost 24 hours a day with the baby, we give so much to them in time, attention, nurturing and providing for and meeting all of their needs! Then as the child gets older, we spend less hours a day together, but the time together is meaningful as we watch them grow.

When a new baby joins the family, there is a temporary change in the families routine. That along with the hormonal changes that mom goes through, and the new family dynamic bring about changes in all of the family members. Our relationships with each individual family member are renewed which can bring about both welcome and unwelcome change.

But the level of love for the child definitely does not diminish when a new family member joins the crew. The relationship changes between mommy and children, as well as between siblings too. The amount of love the children receive if anything, goes up because they have new siblings who love them too. Children who are surrounded by loving family including siblings, as well as friends and community members will benefit from the changes that come along with a growing family. They will enjoy it even if it means their relationship with mom is different now. They will follow your lead, so if you show them the benefits of having a larger family with more siblings, they will think it's great and maximize the benefits of their new family situation. The main thing is to have a positive outlook, and to share your positive outlook by verbalizing it with your children. They will catch onto your vibes whether good or bad, and run with them! So better make a choice to be positive, have a positive outlook about a growing family (if that's what you want).

amother

Mulberry

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 2:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

Or does the love to new baby take away from siblings?
Pls take a moment of honest thinking before you answer. How did you feel to your youngest before your baby was born? If you can size that feeling, was it really the same afterwards? Or was the love to your new addition a big piece of your loving heart that was once loving the other kids? I remember after my second was born crying hysterically for weeks about the size of love to my toddler that for sure shrinked in size... I still liked him but wasn't that same feeling I had before birth. But everyone told me give it time it'll come back to you. Well it never did exactly same as it was before. Now I am two weeks after child number three and suddenly realizing that my love to my till now youngest is totally not that same yummy feeling I had before. And if I would size it, it definitely shrank in size..and it's making me feel bad that I took something special away from youngest and gave to new baby...
So I'm wondering if I'm not a normal mommy or the ppl saying mommy heart expands are not really honest with themselves... Honestly speaking, How is it by you?

I feel the same way. Before I had my second I was constantly seeking reassurance that I will be able yo love another kid. I did love my second one just as much as I loved my first one but I noticed that I do feel differently towards my toddler. I have never shared this with anyone. The poeple I had asked this question would tell me "see it is possible to love another kid" I would smile but deep down I knew that it's not true. My heart expanded but it didn't double.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 4:03 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

exactly how I feel

amother

Antiquewhite

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 6:15 pm

As others said, your love changes as your child grows. It does not change because of the sibling even though it may happen at the same time. I have 3-5 year spaces between my kids and the love changed for some kids before I even had another baby.
I think I love my kids even more as teenagers. They are just so cute when they start schmoozing and having all kinds of grown up opinions! (When they are not going through PMS!)

amother

Begonia ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 10:55 pm

Yes, I can say with certainty that my love multiplies with each child.

And every baby receives that new rush of love, care, infatuation, obsession over him/her due to our maternal hormones and their complete helplessness and just being a newborn.

But it doesn't take away from a mother's love for the other children one drop.

In fact, if there is a large gap between children, you will see that your way you relate to your youngest changes as they get older, even if there is not a new baby.

momma 17

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:02 pm

A mother's love for her child is unconditional and will never change.
The way you relate to your child and the kind of relationship you have with them changes as they grow and mature.
For example my 3 yr old will come and cuddle with me and cover my face with kisses while my 7 year old will give me a hug and a peck on the cheek.
The attachment you have towards your baby will change as they get older.

Last edited by momma 17 on Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:14 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ Begonia

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:13 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

Sorry. This is an argument to have a second child. Maybe even a third child.

There's a point of diminishing returns. Children from large families are not better off for having 10 siblings and less love and attention. It's not better for the older children to have so many siblings. You can say it's better for the younger children to be born. You can say it's better for the parents to have more children. You can even say it's better for the world to have more people. But it's not better for the older siblings.

STONGLY disagree.
That is your personal opinion based on your own experience or observation of someone you know.
That is NOT the case for many others.
I am the second to oldest in a large family and loved it then and love it now. Love having so many siblings.
Not every family parentifies the oldest children, you know.

amother

Coral ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think it's very hormonal thinking. I won't cry about the love shrinking, to be honest, it's a bit ocdish/postpartum anxiety to me..

Comparing loves,think I gave my oldest much more than to my fifth, and I feel a bit guilty I feel deeper love to my first just because I have known her longer. I think love becomes bigger with time,it doesn't shrink.so it makes sense I know my oldest 15 years, and we have a solid mature relationship, and my baby is only 18 months, I don't have such a deep bond with her as with my oldest child, I love her, but at this point my oldest is a good friend ,too. And it's not new to me, like with my first. Don't overthink it, don't compare, enjoy that you have different stage kids.

amother

↑ Coral

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:35 pm

amother Bronze wrote:

I personally think that my anxiety also went down with each kid, so I am less emotional and less attached in a healthy way.I dont check on baby every second worrying about every little thing, and it makes me be less attached,but again, in a healthy way. With my first it was the focus of my life and postpartum anxiety and maybe even OCD. Now I'm not suffering and it feels like I *love" less intense. Really I think I'm just much healthier mother.

amother

Babyblue ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

I felt the same way before I had my second child. I was scared I wouldn't be able to carry the load. Guess what? I was able to love both. However, the love did change, but not in how much I love them, but in how I expressed it because love looks different in the way I give it to a 2-3 year old than to a newborn.
Years later, when I had my eighth child, the nurse in the delivery room said something to the doctor behind my back about "it's not possible to love so many children, I must be neglecting them". The experienced doctor laughed at the nurse and brought the question to me. He asked me in front of the nurse "how do you divide your love between so many children?" BH I had syatta dishmaya and said "I don't divide it, I multiply it".
Yes, it's hard to understand before you're a part of it and experience it in real life.
I have to admit, I do have great skills along with the love. And, of course, I was exhausted and overwhelmed at times. And sometimes did things I wouldn't have done if I were not in the situation. But the love was always there. BH BH BH

amother

Apple

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 5:01 am

Different perspective here as I only have a 5 year old (IF)

I see that my love shifted as she gets older and becomes her own independant person.

I still love her to pieces and I am obsessed with every move she makes, but its not the baby fever of a newborn or baby. The shift started around 3 when she started becoming more of a person.

I dont think its less love, its just less of the baby kind of love.

I wonder if thats what you are experiencing, just with a new baby in the mix who you have the baby love for.

↑ imaima ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 5:09 am

amother Babyblue wrote:

What a rude nurse.

Iymnok

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 5:24 am

imaima wrote:

What a rude nurse.

I wouldn't call her rude, she really couldn't understand, coming from a world where 3 kids is a lot.

Each of my kids expands their capacity to love with each additional child.
There is no contradiction in my love of an older child when a new one comes along. Actually, my love for the older ones grows. As well as my nachas when they truly welcome their new sibling into their hearts.

B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 5:28 am

amother OP wrote:

Totally expands, and I now have the largest heart and hope it gets larger!!
But like all things, you cant weigh and measure it every day. You are tired, cranky maybe deprived of other bodily needs. Not the time to be measuring love.