Does a mommy's loving heart expand with each new child

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:10 am

Or does the love to new baby take away from siblings?
Pls take a moment of honest thinking before you answer. How did you feel to your youngest before your baby was born? If you can size that feeling, was it really the same afterwards? Or was the love to your new addition a big piece of your loving heart that was once loving the other kids? I remember after my second was born crying hysterically for weeks about the size of love to my toddler that for sure shrinked in size... I still liked him but wasn't that same feeling I had before birth. But everyone told me give it time it'll come back to you. Well it never did exactly same as it was before. Now I am two weeks after child number three and suddenly realizing that my love to my till now youngest is totally not that same yummy feeling I had before. And if I would size it, it definitely shrank in size..and it's making me feel bad that I took something special away from youngest and gave to new baby...
So I'm wondering if I'm not a normal mommy or the ppl saying mommy heart expands are not really honest with themselves... Honestly speaking, How is it by you?

amother

Stone

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:17 am

Love is the same. Attention is less from ME, but attention is more from SIBLINGS, which is often even higher quality attention.

Also with each kid, I've become more tolerant. It makes sense mathematically speaking, I guess, because I don't have all of my eggs in one basket. So if 1 out of 4 kids is having pottytraining issues, it doesn't bother me as much as if my one and only kid were behind on pottytraining, etc.

Life definitely changes, but I feel like each additional child is a benefit for its siblings, not a detriment. I only have 4 though, so far.

amother

Petunia

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:27 am

I definitely believe that naturally a mommy's love should increase with each childs birth. We tell our children in advance when hashem gives us a knew baby he gives a tatty and mommy more loves and higa and kisses. ...
I do believe post partum moms need care and recuperation. They are often overtired overwhelmed and hyperfocused on their new baby bird. Sometimes older childs needying mommy may present to the protective mother bird as a distraction to her need to protect her new young. It is very veey hard to care for ourselves our new baby and other children all at once.
Please ensure you have help in the house. For yourself, baby and bigger baby.
Allow yourself to recuperate and iyh your incrrased love will show its face

amother

Grape

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:29 am

You are giving your child the biggest gift- the gift of a sibling!

They will be close and loving to each other, have a playmate and later a true friend and confidant. They will have a bond deeper than any friendship in the world.

HaShem definitely gives us especially strong feelings of love for the baby, as he/ she is helpless and needs so much unconditional nurturing care, especially from the mother.

We love all our kids deeply, but perhaps we feel the baby most tangibly because Hashem wired us that way so we can bring them from that tiny little state to a big, healthy child.

Try not to measure the love, it will just make you anxious… enjoy the stage each one is at.

And know that kids are resilient. They can feel your love even throughout postpartum, and know that you care. And will iyh cherish the new gift you brought them for years to come. Smile

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:32 am

giftedmom wrote:

Take a deep breath okay? The love changes, it doesn’t go away. Yes, there is always a special place in our hearts for our baby. And yes when a new baby is born it makes the older one seem bigger and more capable.
But that doesn’t at all take away from the fact that our love for our children multiplies, it doesn’t divide.

I see this as contradicting statements. There is a special place in our hearts for our youngest. And then you say the love to our children multiplies and doesn't divide. That special place was taken away and given to someone else, so there is less now for other child.

amother

Gladiolus ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:35 am

amother Grape wrote:

No, No, No, getting a sibling is not necessarily a gift. We have no idea how it's going to turn out years down the line. I sometimes wish I didn't have so many gifts.

I feel like it's healthiest to develop a deep relationship with your youngest for 2 years before getting pregnant again. I don't think it's fair for a baby to be overshadowed by another baby, even if Mom feels like she had enough time to invest in the baby because the baby doesn't feel that way! A baby needs uninterrupted love and nurturing.

Siblings can be great but are not a substitute for time and love of a mother.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:37 am

amother Petunia wrote:

by me it's just the opposite. I'll tend to other siblings and only provide care to baby when necessary. The bonding singing talking and plain holding baby I'll do when they're in school or sleeping. Or together with them. Cuz I feel less love, more annoyed by behaviors than was before giving birth, so feel bad for giving less so I'll try to give more....

↑ giftedmom

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:40 am

amother OP wrote:

The love changes. It doesn’t go away. And naturally that love would eventually change anyway as the youngest gets older. It’s the way of the world.

amother

NeonPurple

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:44 am

I think your feelings are normal and they’re also going to change as baby gets older. Once baby gets older he/she will integrate into the family like the older ones and you’ll love them all the same.

It makes sense to feel more of a rush of love for a new baby. They’re brand new! They’ve done nothing wrong, they’re sweet and pure and innocent and don’t bother.

I also recently had a baby and I’m finding my older kids behaviors to me more annoying now and I have less patience. But I know it’s postpartum hormones and soon I’ll fall into a rhythm that’ll be pleasant for everyone.

amother

Aconite

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:46 am

amother Grape wrote:

Sorry. This is an argument to have a second child. Maybe even a third child.

There's a point of diminishing returns. Children from large families are not better off for having 10 siblings and less love and attention. It's not better for the older children to have so many siblings. You can say it's better for the younger children to be born. You can say it's better for the parents to have more children. You can even say it's better for the world to have more people. But it's not better for the older siblings.

amother

Purple

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 12:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

Good food for thought, and I'm curious to read the other responses.
I think you are right. My love to my older kids isn't the same.

I think that total infatuation/ mushy feeling of oh my gosh he is the most perfect little cutie does anyhow lessen as they grow older..my 10 yr old is cute in a 20 yr old way, not a baby way.

Also, taking care of a baby is so hard, I feel like that overwhelming love we feel is hashems gift towards a baby's survival in a way. Imagine how hard postpartum would be without it? And as they get older and more independent the intensity lessens. Their needs change.

also, its natural, that as you have more responsibility, you are focusing more on where your focus os needed most, and other stuff get pushed down the priority latter. So your focus now is on the new baby, whose needs are all consuming- you aren't spending as much time with your older children, so naturally you are thinking more about your love for your baby, than about them..
You can absolutely bring the feelings back by guiding your thoughts and dwelling on the feelings they bring. Focus on how much you love your child, how special he is and how grateful you are to hashem for this gift. As you focus on them, the feelings they will expand.

imaima ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 12:10 pm

amother Poppy wrote:

Honestly, this makes me hesitate to try for a third. I loved my oldest so much, and we lost that bond when we had another baby.

Now I love my baby so much and I want to hold onto this stage as long as I can.

Quality over quantity for me.

The quality changes, it doesn’t diminish.
This thread is bizarre.
Unless you equal love and obsessing or love and attention, there is no problem having more kids