Say something nice

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Dec 26 2024, 12:41 am

zaq wrote:

DRTL, but... we've become so paranoid about making personal remarks, never knowing what may "trigger" someone (gosh, I hate that word, so overused), be labeled "inappropriate," or be considered intrusive. Don't tell someone she lost weight, it implies she was fat before. Don't say "that's a pretty blouse," it implies the skirt isn't. And why are you mentioning something so personal, anyway? Who asked you to comment?

However, I'm with you, OP. I do try to remember to compliment anything I see that looks nice. I walk up to total strangers (women only, natch) and tell them I like the color of their jacket ( then show them my umbrella or gloves that are the same color, and continue on my way) or admire the embroidery on their blouse. My mother used to say "If you think something nice, say it aloud." It does put a smile on people's faces, and it feels good to connect with someone in a pleasant way for that brief moment.

Yes!!
To the second part .
Regarding the first part , I guess you have to know the person and how they will interpret it .
What’s dtrl?

amother

↑ Leaf ↓

Thu, Dec 26 2024, 12:47 am

zaq wrote:

No they're not. They're sharing their taste. If I think it's pretty and you think it's ugly, it's MY taste that's being insulted.

And why do you wear dresses you hate, anyway? Give them away to someone who likes them and make both of you happy.

1. If you're insulted by my not liking it, well, I wasn't going to tell you? Just like I don't want unsolicited opinions from other people either.

2. As I mentioned before, the reason I don't give away the dress is because we live in a society that highly frowns upon public nudity.

↑ singleagain ↓

Thu, Dec 26 2024, 7:34 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes!!
To the second part .
Regarding the first part , I guess you have to know the person and how they will interpret it .
What’s dtrl?

DRTL means "didn't read; too long" usually it's put at the bottom of a long post with a two sentence sum up. Also I've seen it swapped TLDR

And I think what zaq meant about triggers is precisely that if you don't know the person has a certain trigger you cannot be blamed if you accidentally trigger them. It is the person who gets triggered responsibility to manage their triggers especially with people who don't know.

If I get triggered by the color brown I can ask my friends not to discuss the color with me, but if someone I don't know comes up to me and starts talking about the color I cannot explode at them and yell and cry and tell them "how dare you don't you know I'm triggered by brown"

TLDR; you cannot make society/strangers responsible for your triggers you must deal with it yourself.

↑ singleagain ↓

Thu, Dec 26 2024, 7:38 am

amother Leaf wrote:

If you're saying something "nice" without considering the feelings of the person you're telling it to, you're not being nice at all.

If it's generally considered a nice comment by other people than the issue is the individual person themselves and person needs to come up with strategies to deal with the unwanted comment.

We cannot live on eggshells because of the possibility of the 1 who will interpret the normal nice comments as abnormal.

Yes if you know someone who will be sensitive, you don't mention it. If it's a stranger, it's not their fault.

amother

↑ Leaf ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 5:13 am

singleagain wrote:

But this isn't about triggers.

A compliment is a value judgment. It's an unsolicited opinion.

Complimenting someone's weight loss is straight up telling them your preference for their body. It's intrusive and inappropriate regardless of who it is. It's always harmful. (Though if your concern is triggers, if it's someone who's lost a significant amount of weight on purpose, that only makes it more likely that it is a trigger for them.)

And there's a difference between accidentally triggering someone and knowingly bringing up a common trigger. If your opening topic of conversation with a stranger is about the details of someone's child abuse memoir, or gossip about someone who committed suicide, then you do bear more responsibility for it.

amother

↑ Leaf

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 5:21 am

singleagain wrote:

If it's a stranger, it's not "walking on eggshells" to take cues from them and change your expectations. Just like you can't expect a stranger to know your preferences, you can't expect every unsolicited comment you make to be well received.

When the underlying attitude of the complimenters is the assumption that every woman is desperate for external validation, that's not nice. It's not abnormal, but it's wrong. And if you said it out loud, people would be rightfully insulted.

Because the unspoken part of the conversation here is inherently offensive. "Hi, I don't know you, but I assume you want my opinion. As a woman, you're desperate for external validation. I'm going to choose your unremarkable dress as the thing to compliment, because that's the generic compliment for women. Now you must be eternally grateful! Because I might have stopped you from killing yourself!"

↑ singleagain

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 6:36 am

amother Leaf wrote:

A compliment is a value judgment. It's an unsolicited opinion.

Copied from Google dictionary

com·pli·ment
noun
/ˈkämpləmənt/
a polite expression of praise or admiration.

amother Leaf wrote:

Because the unspoken part of the conversation here is inherently offensive. "Hi, I don't know you, but I assume you want my opinion. As a woman, you're desperate for external validation. I'm going to choose your unremarkable dress as the thing to compliment, because that's the generic compliment for women. Now you must be eternally grateful! Because I might have stopped you from killing yourself!"

I think you are attributing way more malice to most compliments than people mean. Most people do not think that deeply about about it. You are making up that unspoken part of the conversation.

I see a dress that I admire for many reasons, cut, color, style and I am trying to make polite small talk. If I actually think your dress is unremarkable I will not compliment it.

I definitely don't think women are desperate for external validation. If I tell you "I like that dress" that's the whole conversation, there is no "unspoken conversation" and if you are attributing that to me, then that is actually quite rude and unkind on your part.

amother

↑ Coral

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 5:11 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

Complimenting someone's weight loss is straight up telling them your preference for their body. It's intrusive and inappropriate regardless of who it is. It's always harmful. (Though if your concern is triggers, if it's someone who's lost a significant amount of weight on purpose, that only makes it more likely that it is a trigger for them.)

Speak for yourself, dear. I LOVE when ppl tell me I lost weight and look great. I lost and continue to lose a significant amount of weight on purpose, by dint of many months of hard work and self-denial, and dadgum it, I WANT PEOPLE TO TELL ME THEY NOTICED! Not that I need their validation--my mirror, my scale, my clothes and my doctors tell me what I want to know--but hearing from others adds a certain je ne sais quoi to the experience. Harmful? Are you kidding me? If anything, it elevates my spirits even more.