Struggles in emunah/yiddishkeit

flipperz ↓

Mon, Dec 02 2024, 9:40 am

I’ve had a hard year and on top of everything with October 7th my emunah struggles became overwhelming. I was so unhappy with my life and so mad at HKBH. This went on for a while and every morning I would cry my eyes out to Hashem. BH I got through a lot of the struggles and am doing much much better. But I’m just not happy and I couldn’t get over how angry I was at Hashem. Eventually, even the anger even started to fade and I just didn’t care. I don’t feel like Hashem cares, I don’t feel like my tefillos will do anything. I feel like I just need to be frum for my family but I don’t even care anymore. I never really struggled with emunah before this and always felt I had a close relationship with HKBH. Now I just can’t even think of the idea of “forgiving Him”. I feel liek He turned His back on me. The lines of “only Hashem knows what’s best for you” is just not cutting it anymore. Also not caring makes difficult mitzvos that much harder. I HATE nidda now.

I know this is wrong and I could never imagine going OTD. I want to want it. I just don’t. How do I go on? How do I get it back? Will I ever get it back? Should I even try?

ewwpeas20 ↓

Mon, Dec 02 2024, 11:34 am

Mal Kay wrote:

I will quote something a guy once said regards to this topic…
“Would you cut a fruit tree? “
Listeners usually jump up: no way..
because even those struggling, would be afraid to … so the point is, you believe.. it’s a difficult struggle that will pass. try to notice that oct 7 mainly affected not frum ppl. It’s extremely sad and scary what happened, and I wish it wouldn’t.. it was a major tragedy.. but for those that are shomer torah umitzvot, can take it as a message, it is a shmurah.
Not sure I said the right things, I am not professional , nor thought through much.. just saying off my mind..
may you have a calm and happy life!

Read something similar. I forgot from which book I read it but it really stuck to me.
---
OTD teen told his parents he did not believe in the Torah or Hashem. His father put a holy sefer on the table and cried out to his son to throw it to the floor and stomp on it if he really didn't believe in anything. The OTD youth just couldn't do it. The father kept urging him saying again "if you really dont believe in anything, take that sefer and throw it to the floor and stomp on it!" But the OTD youth couldnt bring himself to. Story ends with father and son hugging and crying and couple months later he was standing underneath the chuppah.

↑ ewwpeas20

Mon, Dec 02 2024, 1:29 pm

flipperz wrote:

It’s not that I don’t believe Hashem is real. I just don’t believe that what I do will affect anything. I don’t believe my actions have any real consequences. If I’m frum, bad things will happen, if I’m not, the same bad thigns will happen. I see plenty of people who are shomer Torah u’mitzvos who have terrible nisayonos and vice versa. So at the end of the day who cares what I do. Hashem will do what He pleases anyways. I used to believe He was my Father and has my best interest at heart, now I think it’s ridiculous I ever even thought that. I know I’ll never actually go OTD but that thought doesn’t bring me meaning to the thigns I do. Yes I’ll never eat traif, but that doesnt inspire me that I’m eating kosher.

Do you have a rav or rebetzin? Maybe we can help with that. I had a phase like that too. I'm nowhere near where I want to be but I'm not in that same dark space.

peacenine

Mon, Dec 02 2024, 1:36 pm

flipperz wrote:

Sending hugs! It's sounds like your in a lot of pain.
It's ok to struggle with Judaism that doesn't make you a bad person/jew. It just makes you human. Focus first on getting the help you need to start being haply in your life again. Once you feel like you're in a more wholesome place come back to the topic and see if anything changed.
But don't shame yourself for struggling that only pushes you deeper into the struggle.

PinkFridge ↓

Mon, Dec 02 2024, 2:35 pm

I'm assuming you've already explored authentic sources for why bad things happen to good people.
such as ArtScroll's Making Sense of Suffering by Rabbi Yitzchak Kirzner, zt"l (based on shiurim given while he was dealing with terminal cancer). There is also a shiur by Rabbi Nissel called Answering Unanswered Prayers that someone once referenced in a shiur but that I haven't yet seen.

Some books: https://www.amazon.com/Believe.....08469
https://mosaicapress.com/produ.....wers/
https://mosaicapress.com/produ.....view/

None of these books will be magic bullets but you may not feel so alone. (Disclaimer: I haven't read the books but they look meaningful.) And I'm sure from this thread alone you'll see you're not alone. And through history, people have grappled with this. How they managed to pick themselves up and continue is being studied by many. This generation of Holocaust scholars are looking at what came next and resilience.

BTW, I say you'll see you're not alone. You should know that even people who have an easier time with these issues, who don't ask those questions or who have got answers that satisfy or that they can live with have their moments and from those moments can begin, in some way, to feel and respect what you are going through.

S1959

Mon, Dec 02 2024, 4:21 pm

flipperz wrote:

This sounds like timtum halev. one cause is not being careful with mitzvos, especially kashrus, including milk. Some rabbonim recommend to review dinim, such as taharas hamishpacha, Shabbos and kashrus and improve in areas where you one be lax, and to get study partners or a woman who can give good advice.

LeahJoseph

Fri, Dec 27 2024, 8:14 am

flipperz wrote:

In the aftermath of October 7th, I found myself grappling deeply with questions of emunah. The events of that day were so horrifying, so profoundly dark, that it became incredibly difficult to see Hashem’s hand amidst the chaos and pain. The sheer brutality, the loss of life, and the suffering left me questioning and struggling to make sense of how such a tragedy could unfold.

But as time passed, and as I began to read and reflect more over the course of this past year, I slowly started to recognize aspects of that day that pointed to undeniable miracles—chasdei Hashem that were present even in the darkest of moments.

For one, Hezbollah, which has a reputation for immense firepower and organization, didn’t invade. Their absence was no small matter, as an attack on Israel’s northern border at that time would have exponentially increased the devastation. Similarly, Iran, despite its longstanding ties to Hamas and its animosity toward Israel, refrained from getting directly involved. It was as though Hashem held them back, shielding us from an even greater catastrophe.

Hamas, too, made grave mistakes that worked in our favor. Their premature actions and disorganization on the battlefield, despite their intent to wreak maximum havoc, ultimately limited their ability to sustain their plans. They failed to capitalize on their advantage in ways that could have been even more disastrous.

Then, there were the unexplainable instances of divine protection. Entire frum yishuvim were miraculously overlooked by those murderous attackers. Families and communities who could have been targets were spared, often in ways that defy human logic. These moments of protection were nothing short of extraordinary, a testament to Hashem’s hidden hand amidst the chaos.

On a larger scale, there was an opportunity for Israel to confront and address the terrorist threat in a decisive way—one that might not have been possible had things been left to fester for years. The chance to weaken and dismantle such forces before they could grow even stronger and more destructive was a significant turning point, though it came at an unimaginably high cost.

As I reflected on all this, I found myself feeling a deep sense of shame. How could I have missed these signs of Hashem’s involvement? How could I have been so blinded by the pain and darkness that I failed to recognize the chasdei Hashem that were present even then? It reminded me that in life’s most difficult moments, when everything seems bleak, we must strive to look beyond what’s visible and trust that Hashem’s guiding hand is always at work—even when we don’t understand His ways.

This journey has strengthened my emunah and taught me to approach challenges with a different perspective. It’s not easy, and it takes effort, but the recognition of miracles, even in times of tragedy, brings a sense of hope and connection to Hashem that is both humbling and comforting.

Hence we thank not only for על הניסים but also for ועל המלחמות !!

Last edited by LeahJoseph on Fri, Dec 27 2024, 9:06 am; edited 1 time in total

↑ PinkFridge

Fri, Dec 27 2024, 8:17 am

LeahJoseph wrote:

You write very well. And if you didn't write this, you're drawn to some great sources.
Chanukah is THE time for this message. We got a love tap from Hashem in the middle of a brutal struggle that didn't have a long-lasting resolution.

bgr8ful ↓

Fri, Dec 27 2024, 9:33 am

flipperz wrote:

I struggled with this at some point too, until I reaized that believing that "everything Hashem does is for the good" and "Hashem is always watching over me" doesn't mean that things will always be good in the way that we think of good. things will still be hard and painful and horrible sometimes, but its still for our good.

our actions, good or bad, don't always manifest in a clear cause and effect that we can see. bad things will still happen even if you daven, even if you do mitzvos, even while Hashem is watching over you. but not seeing direct results to our actions doesn't mean its not worth something or accomplishing something on some level that we cant see.

I recently read somewhere on the topic of hashgacha pratis that the Rambam actually believed that the world mostly runs on a natural course according to the laws of nature, and that Hashem isnt directly involved in every tiny thing that happens all the time, only with matters having to do with reward or punishment. althought this isnt as warm and fuzzy as the idea of hashgacha pratis we grow up hearing, I dont know why it sort of made more sense to me and gave me some sort of comfort. maybe thats weird. but I think its easier to believe that the world is going on a natural course and that Hashem is sort of watching over all of it and intervenes with certain matters that are above the natural course of the world.
if that does the opposite of give you comfort just ignore it, many other people believe differently.

I hope you find some level of peace and comfort Heart