Struggles in emunah/yiddishkeit

flipperz ↓

Today at 12:40 pm

I’ve had a hard year and on top of everything with October 7th my emunah struggles became overwhelming. I was so unhappy with my life and so mad at HKBH. This went on for a while and every morning I would cry my eyes out to Hashem. BH I got through a lot of the struggles and am doing much much better. But I’m just not happy and I couldn’t get over how angry I was at Hashem. Eventually, even the anger even started to fade and I just didn’t care. I don’t feel like Hashem cares, I don’t feel like my tefillos will do anything. I feel like I just need to be frum for my family but I don’t even care anymore. I never really struggled with emunah before this and always felt I had a close relationship with HKBH. Now I just can’t even think of the idea of “forgiving Him”. I feel liek He turned His back on me. The lines of “only Hashem knows what’s best for you” is just not cutting it anymore. Also not caring makes difficult mitzvos that much harder. I HATE nidda now.

I know this is wrong and I could never imagine going OTD. I want to want it. I just don’t. How do I go on? How do I get it back? Will I ever get it back? Should I even try?

Mal Kay

Today at 1:47 pm

I will quote something a guy once said regards to this topic…
“Would you cut a fruit tree? “
Listeners usually jump up: no way..
because even those struggling, would be afraid to … so the point is, you believe.. it’s a difficult struggle that will pass. try to notice that oct 7 mainly affected not frum ppl. It’s extremely sad and scary what happened, and I wish it wouldn’t.. it was a major tragedy.. but for those that are shomer torah umitzvot, can take it as a message, it is a shmurah.
Not sure I said the right things, I am not professional , nor thought through much.. just saying off my mind..
may you have a calm and happy life!

ewwpeas20 ↓

Today at 2:34 pm

Mal Kay wrote:

Read something similar. I forgot from which book I read it but it really stuck to me.
---
OTD teen told his parents he did not believe in the Torah or Hashem. His father put a holy sefer on the table and cried out to his son to throw it to the floor and stomp on it if he really didn't believe in anything. The OTD youth just couldn't do it. The father kept urging him saying again "if you really dont believe in anything, take that sefer and throw it to the floor and stomp on it!" But the OTD youth couldnt bring himself to. Story ends with father and son hugging and crying and couple months later he was standing underneath the chuppah.

↑ flipperz

Today at 4:16 pm

It’s not that I don’t believe Hashem is real. I just don’t believe that what I do will affect anything. I don’t believe my actions have any real consequences. If I’m frum, bad things will happen, if I’m not, the same bad thigns will happen. I see plenty of people who are shomer Torah u’mitzvos who have terrible nisayonos and vice versa. So at the end of the day who cares what I do. Hashem will do what He pleases anyways. I used to believe He was my Father and has my best interest at heart, now I think it’s ridiculous I ever even thought that. I know I’ll never actually go OTD but that thought doesn’t bring me meaning to the thigns I do. Yes I’ll never eat traif, but that doesnt inspire me that I’m eating kosher.

↑ ewwpeas20

Today at 4:29 pm

flipperz wrote:

Do you have a rav or rebetzin? Maybe we can help with that. I had a phase like that too. I'm nowhere near where I want to be but I'm not in that same dark space.

peacenine

Today at 4:36 pm

flipperz wrote:

Sending hugs! It's sounds like your in a lot of pain.
It's ok to struggle with Judaism that doesn't make you a bad person/jew. It just makes you human. Focus first on getting the help you need to start being haply in your life again. Once you feel like you're in a more wholesome place come back to the topic and see if anything changed.
But don't shame yourself for struggling that only pushes you deeper into the struggle.

PinkFridge

Today at 5:35 pm

I'm assuming you've already explored authentic sources for why bad things happen to good people.
such as ArtScroll's Making Sense of Suffering by Rabbi Yitzchak Kirzner, zt"l (based on shiurim given while he was dealing with terminal cancer). There is also a shiur by Rabbi Nissel called Answering Unanswered Prayers that someone once referenced in a shiur but that I haven't yet seen.

Some books: https://www.amazon.com/Believe.....08469
https://mosaicapress.com/produ.....wers/
https://mosaicapress.com/produ.....view/

None of these books will be magic bullets but you may not feel so alone. (Disclaimer: I haven't read the books but they look meaningful.) And I'm sure from this thread alone you'll see you're not alone. And through history, people have grappled with this. How they managed to pick themselves up and continue is being studied by many. This generation of Holocaust scholars are looking at what came next and resilience.

BTW, I say you'll see you're not alone. You should know that even people who have an easier time with these issues, who don't ask those questions or who have got answers that satisfy or that they can live with have their moments and from those moments can begin, in some way, to feel and respect what you are going through.