Trying to understand maybe mil will be able to help

amother

OP ↓

Yesterday at 5:30 am

I am extremely close to my mil and love her and respect her.
some of her kids are in europe and some in israel.
she is doing very very well financially.
all of her kids are doing well financially except for us:(
we had a long conversation with her last year when our situation was dire. yes we both work.
she seemed to genuinly want to know how she can help.
we delved into great details and had a long long talk. one of the things that I mentioned was that we were having an upcoming simcha and helping us a bit would be greatly appreciated. time went by and we found ourselves erev simcha- that we did obviously very modestly- still costing us about 7 thousand dollars, including the tefilin. no mention of any help whatsoever. she participated happily in the simcha, was part of it all and enjoyed herself tremendously. we were feeling a bit discouraged and hurt. we paid for it all and tried to be dan lechaf zechut. we just couldnt understand it. like dont parents want to help thier kids? and if they have the money for it? and if they dont have 10 other couples to support????
after feeling like we couldnt get over it my husband spoke to her. she gave us 1 K. we thanked her and showed her how much we appriciated it.
now we are going to her for chanukah and I feel so disconnected from her and hurt.
we have always been so close- we come to them often we have a great relationship, these are her grandchildren that she loves- her own grandson! and again- we are not a family with lots of simchas....
like I keep saying to myself - if we hadnt asked she wouldnt have given us a penny???? she knows how incredibly modestly we live, how much we struggle, how hard we work and how much it would have meant to us if she would have helped with a significant amount.
I know in my siechel that parents dont owe their marrieds a thing. but given the circumstances and given the fact that she has so much to give.... why? the why is just hanging thier with no answer.....
maybe there are mother in laws who could help me understand the other side of the story....

imaima ↓

Yesterday at 5:42 am

Maybe she had thought that you have figured it out by yourselves? just guessing

Success10 ↓

Yesterday at 5:52 am

I don't know her side of the story, but by your own admission, she loves her children and grandchildren, so I imagine she must have a very good reason, no?

amother

Acacia

Yesterday at 5:58 am

Maybe she is not doing as financially well as you think

amother

Pansy

Yesterday at 6:55 am

I have a really similar situation and totally get how you feel. There's no point trying to understand how people spend their money. Just keep smiling and giving her nachas and the pain will dull with time.

amother

Snowdrop

Yesterday at 6:59 am

Time to be dlkz. She probably is not doing as well financially as you think or her money is tied up at the moment

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 7:30 am

poster here
the exact issue is that she does have alot of money and they just purchesed a luxury car
and flights and whatever else they want. there are no hidden financial difficulties here.
just pure.... what?
plese mother in laws inlighten me

↑ Success10

Yesterday at 7:32 am

It could be FIL is more tight-fisted with money for the kids and she has to juggle both sides carefully.

mummiedearest ↓

Yesterday at 7:48 am

Op, you say you had long conversations about the difficulties of the bar mitzvah. Did you ask her directly? “Are you able to sponsor the tfillin? It would mean so much to date to know they come from you and we would appreciate it so much. We really can’t afford it.” Or did you just list all the difficulties?

If you asked outright, I can understand the confusion. If you just complained, I imagine she doesn’t want to overstep by offering to pay if it’s not clear that you’d be ok with that. She may have thought you just needed a listening ear. Being close does not always mean she will swoop in to solve problems. That would ruin the relationship.

amother

Lemon

Yesterday at 8:36 am

I have a mil/dil relationship like this in my family. Unless the dil asks, the mil doesn't even think to give. She loves her and her children and is very proud of them but the mil will give 20k to tzedakah and tell the dil and the dil is thinking WHAT??? why wouldn't you give it to me? I need it. But when the dil asks, the mil is happy to give. I yelled at the mil once (I shouldn't have) and she totally missed the boat. She really doesn't comprehend. And this is someone that bought houses for her children and paid tuition for them she really loves them...she just doesn't get these things

amother

Azalea

Yesterday at 8:40 am

I agree, I think she just doesn't think of it and that you need to spell out exactly what you need.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 8:49 am

we asked her outright..... when we had the long long conversation about our situation. when she asked how she could help we told her that they could help with the bar mitzva. fast forward a few months and nothing. until we asked and then 1 k.
but why do we have to ask. she know it all. she is in our house. she sees how frugly we live. why not just give besimcha why wait until we ask?

amother

Charcoal

Yesterday at 8:59 am

Op I would be very hurt as well. If they have the means and you so desperately need it and you communicated your need and mil asked how she can help, it does seem strange that she didn't come through.

amother

Cyan

Yesterday at 9:13 am

I can kind of relate, but it's my parents not my in laws.

My parents have done the most confusing things when it comes to me and money. The weird part is we have the best relationship with them from all my siblings. I've learnt to let go, money is from Hashem and whatever reasons my parents have for doing what they do it's nothing personal against me.

↑ imaima ↓

Yesterday at 9:18 am

amother OP wrote:

She gave you 1 k besimcha

amother

Phlox

Yesterday at 9:47 am

It boggles my mind.

I see very wealthy people and their children are living frugally.

Assuming the children will inherit the $, why wait until they are past marrying off their kids for them to inherit one lump sum?

↑ mummiedearest

Yesterday at 10:20 am

amother OP wrote:

Op, it sounds like she did give happily. Did you ask her for a specific amount? You may just need to be more specific. Not all in laws can balance a close relationship with regular monetary gifts. Sounds like she wants to help you when you need her.

amother

Antiquewhite

Yesterday at 10:34 am

amother Phlox wrote:

Good point
My mom was going to sell a property that belonged to me 50% and had paid up my half early on, so I „don’t wait for the inheritance“.
While I didn’t appreciate the idea, because I didn’t wait and didn’t ask for anything, this money was very helpful earlier rather than later.
And she isn’t even wealthy

amother

Mimosa ↓

Yesterday at 10:53 am

amother OP wrote:

Was she ever poor? For someone who never struggled, there can be a disconnect between wanting to help out and giving the money in a helpful way (and at the time needed.) Like I wonder if you would’ve said, we’re buying tefillin next week, it costs $2000, are you able to help with that... maybe she would’ve actually done it.

amother

Dill ↓

Yesterday at 10:55 am

Some people aren't generous