Trying to understand maybe mil will be able to help

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

Previous 1 2 3 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

↑ Dill

Yesterday at 10:56 am

Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed.

amother

Whitesmoke ↓

Yesterday at 10:59 am

amother OP wrote:

I am extremely close to my mil and love her and respect her.
some of her kids are in europe and some in israel.
she is doing very very well financially.
all of her kids are doing well financially except for us:(
we had a long conversation with her last year when our situation was dire. yes we both work.
she seemed to genuinly want to know how she can help.
we delved into great details and had a long long talk. one of the things that I mentioned was that we were having an upcoming simcha and helping us a bit would be greatly appreciated. time went by and we found ourselves erev simcha- that we did obviously very modestly- still costing us about 7 thousand dollars, including the tefilin. no mention of any help whatsoever. she participated happily in the simcha, was part of it all and enjoyed herself tremendously. we were feeling a bit discouraged and hurt. we paid for it all and tried to be dan lechaf zechut. we just couldnt understand it. like dont parents want to help thier kids? and if they have the money for it? and if they dont have 10 other couples to support????
after feeling like we couldnt get over it my husband spoke to her. she gave us 1 K. we thanked her and showed her how much we appriciated it.
now we are going to her for chanukah and I feel so disconnected from her and hurt.
we have always been so close- we come to them often we have a great relationship, these are her grandchildren that she loves- her own grandson! and again- we are not a family with lots of simchas....
like I keep saying to myself - if we hadnt asked she wouldnt have given us a penny???? she knows how incredibly modestly we live, how much we struggle, how hard we work and how much it would have meant to us if she would have helped with a significant amount.
I know in my siechel that parents dont owe their marrieds a thing. but given the circumstances and given the fact that she has so much to give.... why? the why is just hanging thier with no answer.....
maybe there are mother in laws who could help me understand the other side of the story....

The only in laws who have lots of money and don't help their struggling kids are the stingy tight fisted ones. Sorry for saying it as it is. She sounds either dumb (you told her outright you can use her help. Does she have comprehension issues?) or stingy. I feel very bad for you. It's a horrible feeling.
Some people take pleasure in helping their struggling kids while others apparently take pleasure in seeing them struggle.

amother

Dandelion

Yesterday at 11:03 am

Assuming she really is wealthy, and interested in helping.

Many people do better with very direct, specific requests. So instead of "this Simcha is so expensive, we really can't afford it, can you help" they don't know how to react to that. Versus "this Simcha is so expensive, can you cover the tefillin/the caterer/the kiddush" with a dollar amount tied to that. Especially if they don't know how to issue that payment - a check to your name? The caterer? The shul? If it's a very direct request, it may be easier for them to come through.

amother

cornflower

Yesterday at 11:05 am

Its my parents who are like this. They are constantly saying come down to Florida to visit us and I'm thinking Don't you get it? There is no way I'm paying for tickets! It used to drive me so so crazy but lately, I just interpret it as if they were saying We'd love to see you and the kids. So when they make those comments I just say Yeah that would be so nice in a very noncomittal way. Its just like talking about the weather. Neither of us mean anything beyond that.

This is my theory: I think its painful for parents to realize that their children are struggling so they just don't face it or pretend it away. Thats one aspect. I also think another aspect is that they are afraid that their adult children will be too reliant on them and they are making mistakes and need to figure it out on their own. They can't keep bailing them out. I also think that rich people are very clueless about finances when things have fallen into place for them for a very long time.

amother

Mistyrose ↓

Yesterday at 11:35 am

amother Lemon wrote:

I have a mil/dil relationship like this in my family. Unless the dil asks, the mil doesn't even think to give. She loves her and her children and is very proud of them but the mil will give 20k to tzedakah and tell the dil and the dil is thinking WHAT??? why wouldn't you give it to me? I need it. But when the dil asks, the mil is happy to give. I yelled at the mil once (I shouldn't have) and she totally missed the boat. She really doesn't comprehend. And this is someone that bought houses for her children and paid tuition for them she really loves them...she just doesn't get these things

If she already bought her children houses, that should be more than enough giving for a lifetime. What is there to yell at her about? If she wants to give more, wonderful, but it should not be an expectation. Buying a house is extremely generous.

amother

Marigold ↓

Yesterday at 11:37 am

Why is it on the dil? Seems to me it's the son's place to ask for financial help, if asking is going to be done.

Given that parents don't owe their adult kids financial help, neither in life nor after death, feeling insulted or resentful that such help isn't forthcoming smacks of entitlement. It isn't as if a dgc required expensive lifesaving surgery and the grandparents (why are we putting it all on the mil when there's a fil in the picture, too?) let a child suffer rather than help out.

People are entitled to enjoy the fruits of their labor. Chances are they struggled in their younger years and saved in their middle years in order to have funds in their later years. That money is theirs to enjoy now and to ensure their care and comfort in old age. It's not in escrow for their children. Long-term care is VERY expensive.

Sorry if this sounds harsh to you, but I get tired of kids griping that Mom and Dad don't hand out money left and right.

amother

↑ Marigold

Yesterday at 11:40 am

amother Mistyrose wrote:

ITA! Giving someone a house is beyond anything. Not a penny more should be expected, ever. The sense of entitlement I see here is staggering.

amother

↑ Mistyrose ↓

Yesterday at 11:48 am

OP, are there any underlying tensions that might davka make your MIL and FIL reluctant to give you money? Tensions around hashkafah, parenting philosophies, educational choices, other life choices?

amother

Aster

Yesterday at 11:52 am

amother OP wrote:

poster here
the exact issue is that she does have alot of money and they just purchesed a luxury car
and flights and whatever else they want. there are no hidden financial difficulties here.
just pure.... what?
plese mother in laws inlighten me

Just because they have money does not obligate them to give it to you. It's theirs to enjoy however they choose.

amother

Ballota

Yesterday at 11:57 am

amother Dandelion wrote:

This, exactly. Try it out as an experiment going forward, to see if it's the case. When you could use some help, approach her directly. Thank her for the help with the bar mitzvah and tell her that Shmuli needs braces, an dif she us able, it would be really helpful if she could give x amount towards them, by y date. And see what happens.

Think about how women are told to ask things of their dh's- not to tell them that in general you could use some help prepping for Shabbos but to say, "Can you please take on sweeping or baths on Thursday night", or whatever. It's not necessary for all men, and it is necessary for some women. Before assuming any other reasons for her not giving, try this and see.

Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Yesterday at 12:00 pm

OP, questions I have:

1. Did she buy DH and you a house?
2. Don't you see the difference between Chanuka and a BM? BM is once in a life time, Chanuka comes around every year. Why do you expect Chanuka gelt from her?
3. She did give you 1k. Did you expect her to fund the BM to a 100%?
4. Why don't you ask DH to speak with her?
Last question and this is very important: which are your professions? How many kids do you have? How many have the other siblings?
Do you have a monthly budget? Have you turned to any organization who help and advise in financial matters?

amother

Honeysuckle

Yesterday at 12:01 pm

Could be it be that she thought you spent too much on the simcha if you are struggling? 7K sounds like an awful lot of money if you are struggling. Sponsor a kiddush or have a simple buffet at home or organise a fancy breakfast for his classmates, etc, I am sure that would not run to 7k!!!!!!!!!

Or did she think maybe you did not spend 7k? Maybe it was not as fancy as she is used to, so she thought you spent very little?

amother

↑ Mimosa

Yesterday at 12:04 pm

amother Marigold wrote:

ITA! Giving someone a house is beyond anything. Not a penny more should be expected, ever. The sense of entitlement I see here is staggering.

But she said she would help them…

amother

Brickred

Yesterday at 12:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

Honestly could relate. There was a time when we didn’t have money to even buy food and my dh parents purchased a multi million dollar vacation home. And I accidentally started crying to my mother and it all just came spilling out and she gave us money and my father is a Rebbi. People can really not have their heads screwed on straight.
BH we are in a different place now. Thank you Hashem.

amother

DarkYellow

Yesterday at 12:17 pm

That's hurtful OP. Are they very careful to be fair to all siblings? Like my parents always want to give equal amounts to everyone so there's no resentment. If they gift us an amount to help with something they try to give the same to sibs. So I could see them not wanting to set a precedent in paying for simchot. Or maybe they don't have as much that's liquid as you think they do.

amother

↑ Mistyrose

Yesterday at 12:39 pm

amother Mimosa wrote:

But she said she would help them…

Two different posters. The one whose MIL bought everyone houses is not OP.

flowerpower

Yesterday at 12:53 pm

I found that some people are just not generous. They don’t care to give. Even if asked outright. If cv a child came to me with financial requests I would sell my silver to be able to help them. The generous arent always rich and the rich arent always generous

amother

SandyBrown

Yesterday at 1:50 pm

I feel for you. I have a friend in your situation. It is really hard. They have huge bills for various reason. FIL charters a private plane on a whim and they have to watch and they get nothing.
It is a real nisayon, just like everything else. It is hard to accept that they chose how to spend their money.

↑ imaima

Yesterday at 2:23 pm

Another idea is that some parents think „I figured it out by myself, my kids should also figure it out by themselves“.
Never mind that the economy is different nowadays and people are swimming against the tide.
Sometimes it’s just cruel.

amother

Aqua

Yesterday at 2:30 pm

M Is it possible that she thought? Maybe you spent more than you should have on the simcha? BH We are comfortable we weren’t always so we understand what struggles there are, but I made all my simchas Beyond simply in my house. I live in Israel so There isn’t as much of keeping up with others, but it was unusual to do it in our home, but that was what we could afford. We did not have a caterer at all. And even now that we’re more comfortable, we still made super modest simchas It’s just not a priority for us to spend our money. We help our kids with other things financially, but we also feel like there’s something said for them working hard themselves. We are Not so financially comfortable that we could afford to buy our Houses at least in the meantime, but I know that we like to help them in the future. My kids told me to make a fancy party even though I’m sure I could help with thousands. It’s just not what I want to spend my money on. And I was careful either when I had it for myself. I taught my kids just because you have money, doesn’t mean you have to spend it and you can choose how to. I hope that you can work this out because like you have a good relationship with him. I know we were struggling. I had to ask my parents and I asked for specific amounts. Very fortunate They always helped, but they were very clear that they would not help with things like weddings because that was just not something that they learned to put their money into. And I totally understand. They of course, gave extremely nice gifts to the grandkids but paying for fancy things was just not what they wanted to do.

Page 2 of 3

Previous 1 2 3 Next