Yeshiva dorm life | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Dec 23 2024, 11:55 pm

My husband and I are not seeing eye-to-eye on whether or not my 14 yr old is ready for dorming for high school.

He sees him as "immature" and "will be bullied".

While I know he can be "silly", I dont' think his issues are THAT much more immature than his peers. He's resilient, never let things bother him, and I think he can be motivated to work up to expectations.

While we have a "local" option, I'm not convinced its the right fit for him learning-wise.

amother

Scarlet

Yesterday at 9:31 am

14 year old boys belong home with mama. Dorms are a breeding ground for problems.
The system of sending them out at this age is broke. Look at all the guys weve lost from the last generation to see the fall out.
I love tomatoes.
Go ahead

amother

Gladiolus

Yesterday at 9:44 am

My husband dormed in mesivta because that is what good boys were supposed to do. Because of that experience he now vehemently opposes high school age boys dorming . Not just him. He says that none of his friends sent their sons to dorm in high school. Even thought back then they all looked down at "in town" Yeshivas and were so sure they were better.

A high school boy dorming means he in under peer pressure 24/7. He may not be able to get enough sleep depending on the noise level in the dorm. His entire world revolves around what other teenage boys think etc. This is not healthy.

amother

Puce

Yesterday at 9:55 am

My sons are little but DH and I discussed while we were dating and both don't like the idea of sending away a young teen if possible to avoid it. 14 is very young. I also don't like the idea of rebbeim and the school supplanting our role as DS' parents, especially at such a stage of development, and I get the sense that that's what happens in a lot of dorming yeshivos.

mha3484 ↓

Yesterday at 10:37 am

I have an 8th grade son applying to mesivtas also. We had our 8th grade meeting in November and the rebbeim spoke, the menahel, mashgiach, and the overall consensus was that dorming out of town was good for specific situations but as a whole being in town is better. My son said the majority of his grade is not applying out of town.

I personally feel that 9th graders are very young and impressionable and immature. They spend more hours at yeshiva then they spend at home and I want to know who is influencing them and I cant know that if I send my son away. To me it feels like having him raised by strangers. I am lucky enough to live in a midsized community so my husband I know the rebbeim in most of the mesivtas to some level.

I don't worry about bullying as much and my son was a target for many years, I think for good or for bad the mesivtas don't want kids who are a behavior problem. My friends son was the bus bully in middle school and had a very hard time getting in anywhere. I know some other kids who don't have an easy time behaviorally and don't have a lot of good options. So to me thats the lesser concern.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 10:53 am

amother DarkViolet wrote:

I would defer to your husband on this because he knows what goes on there and what that "world" is like. Self esteem and emotional health always trumps learnings

He didn't dorm until beis medrash, so I don't know what his frame of reference is.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 11:06 am

amother Gladiolus wrote:

My husband dormed in mesivta because that is what good boys were supposed to do. Because of that experience he now vehemently opposes high school age boys dorming . Not just him. He says that none of his friends want their sons to dorm in high school. Even thought back then they all looked down at "in town" Yeshivas and were so sure they were better.

A high school boy dorming means he in under peer pressure 24/7. He may not be able to get enough sleep depending on the noise level in the dorm. His entire world revolves around what other teenage boys think etc. This is not healthy.

So the thing is we are OOT and I just don't think our local yeshiva is a great fit for him. He's not into "peer pressure" and we're looking at a select few yeshivos

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 11:10 am

mha3484 wrote:

So that's kind of my question, if these yeshivos work hard on getting boys who won't be behavior problems, because it's always the "nice kids" who get bullied, no matter "how mature" they are. Then why are *my* son's issues the "problem"

Hashem_Yaazor

Yesterday at 11:24 am

While there are downsides to dorming, I do want to mention that if it ends up being the best place for your son there is a lot of growth that can happen more easily away from home and you can focus on those positives. There's no easy answer, but there are pros and cons both ways and you should just be ok with whatever option seems best for your son. Hatzlacha!

↑ mha3484

Yesterday at 11:27 am

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

This is true. I have friends whose sons have done amazing in a dorm. It really is kid specific. Also I think there is a difference between sending your son to a city that you have family in that can look out for him and sending him where he is really on his own. Most of my friends are a lot more comfortable with the first option over the second.

amother

Violet

Yesterday at 11:33 am

DS dormed locally since 10th grade. He was able to stay in beis medrash later, and get a few more minutes of sleep in the morning (his yeshiva is a few minutes away). He also liked not having to spend time coming home and going back. However, this is a yeshiva with strict dorming rules. There can be no one in the dorm during learning, and lights out is 15 minutes after night seder. So there's really no socializing going on there.

amother

Gold

Yesterday at 11:34 am

mha3484 wrote:

the overall consensus was that dorming out of town was good for specific situations but as a whole being in town is better. My son said the majority of his grade is not applying out of town.

This was also what we found people saying when our sons were in 8th grade. To me, its way easier to provide extra learning opportunities in a yeshiva that isn't the best fit learning-wise, than it is to deal with the social/emotional fallout of a bad peer or rebbe experience happening where you are far away. No one wants to bounce their kids around, but there are plenty who wait 2 years till 11th grade and begin dorming then.

amother

Lime

Yesterday at 12:17 pm

My husband either agrees with me or trusts my judgment on 99.9% of parenting questions, so I really take it seriously on the rare occasion he has a strong differing opinion. I don't know if your situation is similar. If yes, then I would probably defer to him unless my son was totally inconsolable about staying local.

amother

↑ OP

Today at 8:14 am

'I guess my concern is that he tends to underestimate our son, like he didn't think he could lein for his bar mitzvah and if I would've left it up to him, it wouldn't have happened, but my son set a goal for himself and it was my proaction that helped him achieve that goal.

We are only considering small yeshivos with excellent reputations.