It’s so hard- having Emunah

amother

↑ Rose ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 2:10 pm

amother Eggshell wrote:

I dealt with infertility for 10 years and went through an emuna journey. I have learnt that Hashem gives me exactly what I need and I don't know what's best for me but need to trust Hashem.I focused on gratitude for what I have and came to a full acceptance that I may never have kids if that is what Hashem thinks it's best for me. I davened for a baby and asked Hashem to give me a baby if that is His will from me. My davening turned from demanding He grant me a child to surrendering if this is Hashem's will for my life.
One thing I learned is that Hashem is a loving G-d and He is not punishing me and I am not any less worthy to raise kids than anyone else out there.
Hugs OP, you are in a difficult situation and so hard to see the ppl around you getting things easily and never able to attain that. I really understand your pain💓

How did you learn the bolded? Maybe I'm mistaken but to me "learn" means understand on some level.

Do you understand why hashem made you wait 10 years? Why another one waits 15 years? Why the next person never receives the bracha of children? This never makes sense to me. Does it to you?

And similar with you last comment. In this world we don't really see how hashem is a kind and loving G-D. For many, hashem's actions are the opposite of kind and loving. We don't understand. We can repeat the words that hashem is kind and loving but we don't understand it.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 11:15 pm

OP, I can truly relate to you. We're in the same boat. It's very painful!
People can't understand us.
Though we are definitely grateful for everything we do have, seeing people vacationing around us, luxury and all we wish for, it seems so far away and out of reach for us, when we can also use that break and change of scenery, new wardrobe and whatnot, it really hurts.
I wish we can have a support group for this issue too...

camp123

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 2:33 am

You answered your own question, in your later posts.

Why is Hashem making parnassah so hard for you?
Why are so many people sick?
Why are some people in terrible marriages?
Why are people suffering through years of infertility?
Why do some people have very disabled children?
Why do some people never get married?

One answer that you gave later on is so we daven and improve our emunah, which is what you are doing.

There are many different challenges in life, if you could trade your struggle with parnassah for another struggle above, that you don't have, would you?

There is no life without some kind of challenge, some people have more challenging lives, and some people less challenging lives. We don't understand why Hashem does what he does, emunah is simply believing it's for our ultimate benefit, and Hashem has a plan.

Yes, it feels unfair and it's ok to be sad about it. But, ultimately this is the life Hashem has planned for you. You have to accept it while at the same time davening for it to change and doing any hisdadlus that you can to help change things.

amother

Yolk

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 2:54 am

Hi, I was in a similar situation as you for many years. I davened so much, I shed so many tears, we had so much debt.

Just wanted to let you know that Hashem did answer my tefillos eventually. At some point I moved into a new field, trying to increase our earnings a bit. I ended up being crazy successful. Within a few years we had paid off all of our debt and now are better off financially than many of our friends and family. Not very rich at all, but not stressing out when we need to buy something.

I don't know why I had to suffer in that way (my DH didn't suffer as much, being poor didn't stress him out in the same way), just like I don't know why anyone has to suffer in this world. Tzadik ve'rah lo. And it's not like I don't have other causes of suffering in my life.

But I really feel like Hashem heard my tefillos and sent us a yeshua, although I had to wait years for it. I hope that Hashem sends you a yeshua very soon.

amother

↑ Azure

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 8:59 am

amother Rose wrote:

A relationship is always based on understanding and on 2 way communication. We have relationships with our spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends, and others because we understand each other on some level. We also have expectations. They will treat us a certain way, they will be kind, respectful, ect.

Most of us would say we have no understanding of hashem. The things he does don't make sense to us. We don't know why this one suffers and that one doesn't. The ones suffering don't know what they can do to change it.

To me this isn't a real relationship.

Above you said.... Emunah means we believe that hashem WILL give us what we ask for . He can and will.

If this were true then I'd agree we can have a real relationship with hashem.

The poor should daven harder and they will receive money.
The sick should daven harder and they will recover.
The people without shidduchum should daven harder and they will find their bashert.

Unfortunately, I don't think what you are saying is true. We don't know hashem's "system". We don't see the people with emunah and davening being spared.

We don’t know hashem system but isn’t having a relationship with your spouse, parents, based on relationship with hashem?
It’s not that u have expectations of Him it’s that I can just talk to him and know and trust that he’s listening to me and that gives me tranquility even if He doesn’t fix it

amother

Mintcream ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 9:09 am

For starters you need to stop looking what others are and aren't doing.

Due to the economy my husband has been in and out of work the last 5 years. BH he is working now. I really try to focus on the good we have. We have a roof over our head. I have healthy children, I am healthy and my husband is healthy. We don't eat out, but I'm able to put basic food on the the table (my kids are not hungry).

If your husband's office won't give him a raise--he doesn't need to stay. He should look for something better on while working.

amother

Zinnia

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 9:54 am

I don't think anyone can answer another's emunah questions, but I can write my experience.

I was an older single - older by all accounts, much older.
I remember one R"H at Shacharis when I davened Shema, I suddenly had this thought. If I am saying that Hashem is the King, and MY King, then I need ot serve Hashem the way He wants, not the way I want to. If He wants me to serve Him as a single, then that is my tafkid and I need to fill it as best as I can.
I cannot say it was easy. I POURED tears at that tefila. It was something I didn't want to accept and was really upset about it, but it did help me accept it, at some point.
I used to have hanging up something about חיים ברצונו: WE want to serve Hashem in a certain way, but sometimes Hashem says, "No. I want you to serve Me in a different way."
That's called living חיים ברצונו.
Most of us have no idea what our tafkid is, why we are here on earth, but I firmly believe that Hashem sets us up with the conditions we need to fulfill it.
Sorry for the megilla, but I need this chizuk right now.
May we all be zoche to better understand Hashem's way with Moshiach very soon.

farmom ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 9:57 am

amother Zinnia wrote:

This is beautiful. And so hard
Real avoda
Thanks for sharing

amother

↑ Rose ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:14 am

amother Azure wrote:

Of course we have expectations of our spouses. We expect that they will treat us respectfully, talk to us nicely and be kind. We expect that they will raise our children and instill values in them that we agree are important. We expect that we will help and be there for each other in whatever way possible.

With hashem none of this really applies. We can blindly say that everything hashem does is for our good but then when he causes suffering we just shrug and say we don't get it.

And it's not like this is a one off or occasional thing. There's very little about the way hashem runs the world that makes any sense to us. We can't communicate with him to understand why. We don't know what we can do to change things. Is change really even better? Maybe for some mysterious reason a person benefits from their pain. Who knows? So we go thru life talking to hashem blindly in a one sided conversation.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:17 am

amother Mintcream wrote:

Ok but I really really really asked for no practical discussion here. I can start a whole other thread about DHs stagnation at his job now. That’s not what this is about. It’s about how do I have Emunah through what’s going on right now

amother

↑ Mintcream

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:33 am

Quote:

Be grateful for the things you do have instead of what you don't.
Read emuna books.
Talk to Hashem.

amother

Stonewash ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:59 am

camp123 wrote:

There are many different challenges in life, if you could trade your struggle with parnassah for another struggle above, that you don't have, would you?

Yes I definitely would.
This question is the one that really gets my goat.

Would you like to try my struggles?
A child with a deadly form of cancer
No parnassa, and no way of taking on more work as long as my child needs me by his side
A husband too depressed due to life circumstances to work
2 special needs kids who are too high functioning to get special needs help but can't cope in the regular system
Personal health challenges
No family support, emotional or otherwise

So, any volunteers to switch struggles with me?
I can't quite believe that there are bigger pekelach out there.

amother

↑ Stonewash

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:01 am

There's one fundamental point that many people are skirting around.

Sometimes a person davens for something and the answer is no.
Hashem does not always do what we want Him to do.

He always does what is good for us, but we may not see that. He does not always do what we think is good for us.

Emunah is about believing that whatever happens is from Hashem. לברך על הרע כשם שמברכים על הטוב

amother

Blushpink

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:21 am

I will share what worked for me.

Several years back I was suffering with SIF, struggling financially, and going through a particularly rough patch with my two ADHD/ASD kids. Yes, I have so many blessings in my life, and although I was able to acknowledge and thank Hashem for them, at the time I felt consumed, overwhelmed, distressed.

I begged, pleaded with Hashem to give me another child, DH a raise, calm and success for the kids... I had emunah that Hashem could, would. But I was so drained from asking and asking. I felt so punished when I perceived my tefilos to be answered, finally conceived, only to miscarry shortly afterwards. I broke down when I did a chessed for someone that in a strange way resulted in tremendous agmas nefesh and financial loss.

My turning point came when I changed the direction of my tefillos. Instead of asking Hashem to fix my problems, I begged Hashem to give me harchavas hadaas, menuchas hanefesh, to be able to calmly accept and deal with my challenges. They may or may not improve - Hashem you can do anything - but please! Give me the strength to deal with life b'simcha.

And unbelievably (or maybe very believably) these tefillos were answered quite quickly. Within weeks, I FELT better. My situation did not really change, but my "true emunah" sort of kicked in, and it no longer distressed me. And slowly, slowly, things did improve. Financially we stabilized (although still tight) and my kids matured and are doing wonderfully. We were not blessed with more children, but I have come to accept that with peace.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 12:27 pm

amother Stonewash wrote:

That’s not the mehalch though on Michael Safdie podcast and in the Emunah books