My niece is posting on tic toc and my sister is freaking out

amother

DarkYellow

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 9:03 pm

I agree that it sounds like she's just get a different phone that her parents don't know about.

It sounds like she's in a situation+age where she's exposed enough to feel comfortable in "the outside world" but not exposed enough to be cautious. Maybe if she had more knowledge of the natural consequences that may come of her actions, she could make better choices...

amother

Lotus

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 9:25 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

So sweet of you to care but hows this your business ?

It's a chinuch issue between your sister and her daughter

Her sister spoke to her about it. She's the one who reached out, and OP wants advice on how to help, or if she can help. Why is it none of her business? Should she have said cruely to her sister 'Sorry not my problem have a good night!'

zahavagold

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 11:00 am

TwinsMommy wrote:

We're modern and my 17 year old daughter has a smartphone and tiktok. She doesn't post often and nothing inappropriate. My rule with tiktok is that I follow her so I see her posts, I check her followers and people she's following anytime I want, and she doesn't follow anyone inappropriate. I think in this scenario (posting herself in non tznius clothing) I'd likely make an appointment with our Rav and bring my daughter and talk about all the issues with him--- the homeschooling and how that's going, social life, and by the way, here's what's happening online----- she might be super embarrassed to hear you telling the Rabbi and that might help. And if not, he'll have suggestions and you'll have support. Meanwhile, have your sister ask her who she's following on tiktok--- share funny clips back and forth---- their whole online relationship doesn't need to be "you can't! you didn't! I'm mortified!" Hatzlacha to them!

Why would you take her to a male Rav to discuss this? Eww.
There are plenty of religious role model women you can take her to

↑ giftedmom

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 11:03 am

TwinsMommy wrote:

Not to burst your bubble but it’s common for teens to have separate accounts where they post what they don’t want their parents to see

chanatron1000

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 1:49 pm

I know she's probably not "sheltered" in the sense that she's had access to popular media, but has anyone had a talk with her about the realities of life? Most teen girls genuinely do not know whom they're producing this "content" for when they post or share pictures and videos of themselves dressed inappropriately.

amother

↑ Midnight

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 2:43 pm

So random anonymous women would be a good source of advice for anonymous random posters ...sister! And her kid.

Please convince her to get guidance in real life. From ppl that she can talk through the details and come to a healthy workable solution.

It's her challenge she will need lots of handholding

This is coming from someone that wasted lots of years thinking I could help ppl, when only they can help themselves.

amother

Mayflower

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 4:07 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

Some people shared good advice or ideas where to get good advice from.
If you don't feel you have something helpful to add, that's fine- just move on. No need for so much attitude.

amother

Stonewash

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 3:51 pm

TwinsMommy wrote:

Just btw (so you should be aware) there are teens that have two accounts - one for the parents to see and one for themselves and friends. its not hard to switch between accounts.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 6:18 pm

zahavagold wrote:

Why would you take her to a male Rav to discuss this? Eww.
There are plenty of religious role model women you can take her to

Why not just suggest a Rebbetzen.
And perhaps as part of her homeschooling.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 3:46 pm

Thank you so much to everyone who cared enough to take the time to write a sincere and thoughtful reply!
I'm a frequent imamother reader, but very rarely post something myself, so I'm just extremely touched at all the helpful replies.
I'm glad I reached out about this, because my sister was so outraged about it, that I thought maybe I was making a mistake by telling her not to go the "punishing route" with this issue. But it seems that unanimously, thats what everyone is saying. I totally agree that they should get my neice (just turned 17) involved in something social, I'm just not sure that my sister will be able to make it happen. She is struggling with crippling depression herself, so she isn't parenting from a place of strength. Mostly, I'd like to send my sister, maybe some articles or classes that address these kinds of issues. Can be secular sources too. Maybe some "twisted parenting" videos or things with a similar attitude toward kids at risk?
Any links would be so helpful!
Thank you!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 3:56 pm

naturalmom5 wrote:

Op im sorry I found your post amusing

Every single mother I know that says we dont have phones in our home/ community, the daughter has a smartphone

For some reason people open up to me .
I have found Rabbi Bome from Oorah to be very helpful in these matters

I'm glad I was able to amuse you!
Perhaps my 4 year old has a secret iPhone!
But seriously, thank you for the lead! I tried to look up rabbi Bome from oorah and nothing came up? What's his first name? Can you maybe send me a link?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 4:09 pm

amother Cadetblue wrote:

The tough parents, learning disabilities, and no social life is a recipe for disaster. Especially since she is already starting to rebel.
Op, how old is she? Can she move into your house or dorm somewhere near a school that can cater to her needs? She needs a lot of love, an appropriate social life, and a school that can help her succeed which will boost her self esteem.

Agreed. It's a bad situation. We live in Isarel, and my sister is in America, so we can't take her daughter in. (Although we did consider it at one point, but it would not be healthy for our kids). She hated school and was failing out and absolutely refused to go back this year. She needs all of the above, but most likely, she won't get it. I'm just hoping I can at least pass on some healthy info for my sister so she will hopefully have some tools to deal with this in a healthy way instead of it becoming something horrible and explosive.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 4:13 pm

SuperWify wrote:

Just listened to this, skip to the interview with Dr Sax.

while I don’t agree with everything Dr Sax talks about he was right on the money with social media.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/.....60567

Thank you for this!

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 4:14 pm

I think you were absolutely right to advise a non-punishing approach. NCSY might be a good social outlet for your niece, depending on the details of her situation and on what her local NCSY chapter looks like. Yes, many events are co-ed, but not all. I have seen it create a strong lifeline for kids who seemed otherwise to be headed totally OTD.

I can understand why it would rub some the wrong way when yousay, "We have a (basically) no media home and so this isn't an issue with my kids or with families in our community." If your oldest child is only 4, then you have no idea what you're in for. IYH it will be a smooth ride, but there are similar struggles in all communities. A girl facing all the individual and familial challenges that your niece is facing, as described by you in this thread, would have high potential to be at risk in any community.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 4:33 pm

amother Periwinkle wrote:

Yes, ncsy would be great for her.
I definitely can see how that sounded off. I should have just said my kids are little so this isn't an issue for us currently. I was just trying to explain why I'm sort of lost about finding resources for this. I'm not really in this "parsha" yet, but I'm sure there are loads of classes and articles that address these kinds of issues. I'm just not sure where to find them.

amother

↑ Brown

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 4:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

Can she go early to seminary? How is she getting homeschooled with your sisters crippling depression? It sounds like a bad situation.