Another naming saga

essie14 ↓

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 4:32 am

If your husband really doesn't feel strongly and is not insisting , then if I were you, I would add another name and call the baby by the name you both chose. DH still gets to name a child for his parent but you don't have to hear your child being called that name every day.

imaima ↓

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 5:08 am

amother OP wrote:

I will change some details for privacy so please don't get stuck on the details.

I have a baby boy and my husband wants to name after his father.
I have a very bad association with the name. I know it's a regular pretty common Biblical name that many of you give and like but I hate it. I hate it as a name. I hate the sound of it. I also don't like it because I know 2 more people with that name whom I really dislike. And on top of it all I didn't get along with my father in law. I have hard feelings towards him.

My husband is not forcing me to give it. He is understanding.

Am I selfish? Crazy?

No you are fine. You should find a name that works for both.

↑ imaima

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 5:12 am

amother Lilac wrote:

First of all mazal tov
You should only have nachas from your little boy

As someone who sadly enough had to name my baby after my father I just want to say that it means the world to me. I didn't even like the name but it's the hardest and most special thing to do. And yes by now I love the name too
Please give your husband this huge gift! It's probably the biggest gift you could give him!

And if you can I would even suggest not to add another name if that's what your husband prefers

Lots of hatzlocha and feel good

Have to agree with this though.
OP if you can reframe it like that, it would be huge for your shalom bayit

amother

DarkRed

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 9:31 am

This is not the popular opinion here, but I'd say that if you do name for FIL give the exact name and don't add. I was in a similar situation (but in this case it was my realative so my husband had no emotional attachment) but it was a double name that neither of us liked either one of and had issues with the name combo for other personal reasons as well. I discussed with my husband if we should add/change one of the names or give a different version of the name and he wisely said "don't mess". If you are naming for the relative, do the exact name and get "all the points". If your family is anything like mine (we also ONLY name for relatives) the parties that we were trying to please by giving this name would not have been so pleased with an alteration. Also we hold that if the name is added on to or changed somewhat, it is no longer so connected to the neshama of the deceased and they don't get the same 'aliyas nehsama' or nachas from us providing a namesake. So if we are already going out of out way to give a name that was not of our choosing to either please the remaining relatives or to honor the deceased, or both - then at least do it right and get the "full credit". It was very wise advice and I do not regret for a minute. About half of my (ka'h many) children were given names that were far from my first choice. But we gave them to honor relatives, or because the namesakes were very special people and I love all my children to bits despite their names, even if their names never did quite grow on me fully.

amother

Heather

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 9:35 am

amother OP wrote:

Woah, I could have written this!!! Are you me???

amother

Dodgerblue

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 9:45 am

amother OP wrote:

You need to give a name after your husbands father whether you like it or not. If you think you should be exempt, then you need to ask a gitte yid. Your husband needs to give the name for kibud av. Your teaching your children a valuable lesson by naming after your father in law and you will come to like the name. Maybe you can add another name but again only after asking a rav.

amother

Blush

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 9:53 am

amother OP wrote:

Was your husband on good terms with his father?
Would you want your descendants to name after you?
Is there a cute nickname for that name that you'd be ok with?

amother

Trillium

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 9:58 am

I was in the same situation as u besides for the fact that I didn’t actually hate the name. The name I was ok with. I really disliked my fil to say the least. But I knew it would mean the world to my dh to name after his father. So we did and we call him a different nickname than my fil was called.
And not only that, I had said I was done having kids but after my fil passed away I knew that my husband would love to have the chance to name after his father if he was able to. So I went off of bc just for that. And what do u know, I had a boy

amother

Banana

Yesterday at 6:35 pm

Naming for a parent is different from naming after other relatives. Halachically, it is a matter of Kibbud Av V'Em, which is one of the עשרת הדברות.
Please keep that in mind when making your decision, which sounds like a difficult choice.
I realize this might not be true for everyone, but for me, if my husband were NOT applying pressure to give the name, it would make me MORE likely to give the name, not less.
Was there any quality of your FIL that you appreciated? Anything positive you could see in him?
Would focusing on that make it any easier to give the name?
(A nice nickname might present itself with time ...)

amother

↑ Milk

Yesterday at 6:38 pm

amother Banana wrote:

Do you have a source that it's kibbud av to name after a parent, I've never heard that.
As far as I know it's only to comfort living relatives.

amother

↑ Bisque

Yesterday at 6:40 pm

amother Banana wrote:

It’s not kibbud av vem to name after a parent. Learn your halachos before you say something like that.

amother

Coffee

Yesterday at 6:42 pm

amother Banana wrote:

(Just commenting on the halachik aspect, not the practical question of what OP should do and her obligation to her marriage....)

It's not a chiyuv under the halachos of kibud av. There's no such chiyuv. (It might be a nice way of honoring a parents' memory but it's not an obligation.)

↑ essie14

Today at 12:45 am

amother Banana wrote:

Please stop saying this. It's wrong and you're making people feel guilty for absolutely no reason.

amother

Buttercup

Today at 12:53 am

amother Coffee wrote:

Did you read this in a sefer?

Because I read the English sefer The Fifth Commandment and it definitively says that naming after one's parent is part of the mitzvah of kibbud av vem.

I would tell op that if it were any one other than a parent to hold her ground, but since it is a parent, that name takes precedent.

I do believe she will learn to tolerate it.

amother

Raspberry

Today at 1:03 am

I named after fil that I disliked. It never occurred to me not to name after him! What chutzpah did I have denying my husband that mitzvah. I was told that it is the only chiyuv one has to parents after they have passed. Btw, my son is precious and I love him to pieces!