How to handle teens taking over

amother

OP ↓

Today at 4:25 pm

Does anyone have any good ways to have better boundaries with teens. I have almost 4 teens in the house and things constantly come up that infringe on my space/ privacy/ need for quiet etc... here are some examples:
*Teen boys making steak and cooking in my cleaned kitchen at 11:30 at night.
*Going on my phone and reading my messages even though I've clearly stayed not to.
*Getting mad at me that my computer is not available if I have a report I need to write that night.
* Knocking on my door ( if I'm lucky) Asking me for things at 11:30-12 at night. Ordering them something/ showing me something etc...
* Kvetching about what they need all the time and expecting me to get it right away....
* Not being able to talk openly with my husband because there is always someone around.

*And many more such examples. Sometimes I feel like I'm choking.
Anyone have any good ideas that have worked to help how not to feel like they r not taking over my house/ life/ money/ stuff/ privacy.
Please be kind . Thank you!

amother

Bisque

Today at 4:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

Who is buying the steak? Do you not want them cooking at all or is it ok if they cook if they clean to your standards after? If you’re buying the steak stop buying if they don’t keep to your rules. If they’re buying then be very clear about the rules and if they can’t listen they can’t buy it anymore

amother

Blueberry

Today at 4:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

My teen daughters bake at weird hours, but they clean up after themselves. That's the condition under which they are allowed to bake in the first place. You need that rule. (Though I'm very curious where these steaks are coming from? They go shopping for them? Pull them out of the freezer? They were in the fridge and intended for tomorrow's dinner?)

All the rest - you need serious boundaries. Get a new password on your phone. And computer. They can ask. They're not entitled. No entering a parent's bedroom without knocking. Not knocking except for an emergency after ____ PM (whatever time you'd like to retire from being mom for the night and go to bed).

Talking with little (or not so little) ears around is a hardship. Sometimes DH and I go for a walk or sit in the car.

amother

Cappuccino

Today at 5:03 pm

Teen boys making steak and cooking in my cleaned kitchen at 11:30 at night.
Make a rule either kitchen is so clean that I can't notice you made steak or no cooking allowed!!!

*Going on my phone and reading my messages even though I've clearly stayed not to.
Big no-no! Install a password ASAP!
*Getting mad at me that my computer is not available if I have a report I need to write that night.

Sorry sweetie, I understand you would like to use it but I have a report to write and that comes first! Validate but too bad!

* Knocking on my door ( if I'm lucky) Asking me for things at 11:30-12 at night. Ordering them something/ showing me something etc...
Please do not knock on my door after 11 unless it's an emergency!

* Kvetching about what they need all the time and expecting me to get it right away....
That's because their teenagers, annoying but normal! Smile and show empathy!!

* Not being able to talk openly with my husband because there is always someone around.

That's part of having kids. Make date night, talk in the car, go on walks, or close your door and make believe you went to sleep!
It's tough having teens!!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 5:55 pm

Thanks for all the replies.
* Ok I switched my password.....btw my phone pretty filtered. Problem is my family has a pretty active what's app chat that they post videos and pictures that my kids like to look at.... What would u do about that ?
* I will try to make a boundary of a time that they can't knock except for emergencies. That's a good idea. The problem is it's hard to ignore when they knock.
* Steaks are bought by them. It doesn't happen all the time, those were just some recent examples. They do know to clean up it's just not to my standards and I try not to criticize everything they do. ( Even though I do at times...)
* I'm not an unstrickt mother, but I do value keeping a good relationship with them and being their friend on a basic level, to shmooze with them and such.....

Moms with teens.... Do u struggle with these things? Looking for some validation too. It's so hard.

.
..

amother

Hydrangea

Today at 5:57 pm

I think your biggest issue is the friend attitude. I have a great relationship as their mother. We are not friends. We do get along, we have good times, we play games, go on outings, we shmooze, I hear them out, I try to say yes to as much as we can. But I am their mother not their friend. And I make that clear so we don’t blur boundaries.

amother

Bluebonnet

Today at 5:58 pm

What time do your teen boys come home. Mine are home @ 10:15 and 11:00. It’s not really fair for me to be unavailable to them if that is the time they get home.
Do you have cooked food available for them when they come home in case they were hungry and didn’t like yeshiva food?

(If the cooking steak is like a once in three month events I’d probably just ignore it).

amother

Bluebell ↓

Today at 6:04 pm

Your phone and computer should not be allowed whenever only when you are around.
The steak thing honestly who cares. They’ll clean it after and it will be a learning curve for them to know how u like it clean.
The asking u stuff or needing things that’s their way of saying I want to spend time with you.
I have a number of teens both boys and girls and they’re so different yet so similar. Both like to bake/cook/bbq late at night. Both love to check family chats. But the girls are sooooo loud on the phone it’s crazy. The boys get a bit rough with each other and goof around. It’s all healthy behavior!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 6:05 pm

amother Bluebonnet wrote:

Yes that part of the problem, one son comes home at 10:30, but he's the least needy actually.. The other one a little earlier but hes out playing ball often. They come to me with their questions when there winding down like 11:30...
The steak is a shtick once in while for fun, sometimes with friends or my 2 sons together.... Maybe he didn't love dinner or it's like a night activity

amother

↑ OP

Today at 6:08 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

Yes, I know most of it is healthy behavior. It's just so hard having everyone around and up late when I've put in a full day and also need some peace and quiet....

amother

↑ Bluebell

Today at 6:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes, I know most of it is healthy behavior. It's just so hard having everyone around and up late when I've put in a full day and also need some peace and quiet....

I completely understand. My oldest is post high school youngest is preschool and my period is late and freaking out. The best way to deal with the overwhelming feelings for me is to make sure to get out once a week at night. But leave earlier like 730/8. Either go out with friends, dh, or myself. That once a week makes such a difference. And no going on ur errands then. It’s for just relaxing whether it’s Barnes and noble, target, going out to eat or for a walk. for few hrs u have time to breathe. When I get back home the kids hound me but I def feel more refreshed

amother

Poinsettia

Today at 6:19 pm

I have yeshivah bachurim also.

It's hard. They leave at 7 am and come home at 10 pm. I have to make time for them.

My phone and computer are locked. Default is they need to ask for permission not that permission is granted unless I'm using it.

I would ignore the cooking if it's once in a while.

It's tough. I used to have my night to myself. Now after the little kids go to bed, I have to prep for the older set and give them attention. I never get a break.