Sisters sharing a room - question

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:08 pm

Elfrida wrote:

At fourteen, waiting until.shr matures is a long term project. It's likely to be at least two or three years before she's willing to look at something like this from a wider angle.

You cant wait to rearrange the rooms until she either matures or leaves for seminary.

Agghh what's the magic age of maturity? I've been waiting a while and it's taking so long!

amother

Nemesia

Yesterday at 9:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

Agghh what's the magic age of maturity? I've been waiting a while and it's taking so long!

If you're lucky, 17 or 18. If not, you might have to wait until 19 or 20. At 14 the hardest years are just starting. I have many daughters and 13-16 were the worst years for all of them.

amother

Clematis

Yesterday at 9:18 pm

Is it an option for the 11 and 14yr old to move into the older boys room since it's a bigger room and they can have more space there?

I totally get you btw. I have a very rigid 14yr old and it's really hard to throw these type of changes at them. I'd also worry that she'd be mean to my 11yr old if they shared a room and the 14yr old was upset about it.

amother

Lemonlime

Yesterday at 10:03 pm

I also have a 14 year old dd and I get it.

It’s very hard when you have to lay down the law and they don’t like it.

That said, imo you can push it off either till he turns 9 or till your 11 yo starts showing some physical maturity (or starts to be uncomfortable sharing with a boy).

And you can tell your 14 yo, that she can have a reprieve temporarily but when you say it’s over it’s over.

IMO it’s totally fine for your 8 yo to share with a 4 yo sister.

camp123

Today at 12:13 am

I think bc you weren't firm enough in the beginning that this what is happening and she sees that you aren't sure you should leave it for this year.
I would say to her, I can see this is really hard for you. I told you it was a trial so I respect that you don't want it. However, you have to understand that when your brother turns nine there is no other option and you still have to share with eight year old sister. So you have one more year and that's it.
Next year be very firm, no wavering, she knows it's going to happen.
A year after that you will probably be able to the then ten year old boy with his older brothers.
I wouldn't let your daughter think she got away with refusing to share with the eleven year old but I also wouldn't have a confrontation about this right now.

amother

Starflower

Today at 12:18 am

oy OP, when you post on a forum like this, people will give you all sorts of advice based on their own experience, not yours.

Please don't listen to everyone telling you you are wrong and to make a decision your DD has to listen to.

Only you know how she reacts and whether it's worth it.

We have had similar situations and have made all sorts of arrangements to make things work.

You know your kids and know where to push and pull. You can take everything said here into consideration, but don't let the majority of an anonymous posting site sway you against what you know because of your experience or intuition.

imaima ↓

Today at 12:20 am

amother OP wrote:

I have a 14.5 year old daughter who has been sharing a room with her 4 year old sister for the past 3 years. I also have an 11 year old daughter who has been sharing a room with my almost 8 year old son. These are my 4 youngest children and there are 2 rooms available for them.
The 14 & 11 year old get along decently well, occasionally fighting but not terrible.
I've been trying to get the 14 & 11 year old to share a room for a while, but my 14 year old is very strong minded and will not agree. I've pushed it off for over a year,+, with the hopes that she will mature and be more agreeable.
Recently I feel like its really not right for my 11yr old to be sharing with such a big boy and I very strongly told my 14yr old that we are going to make a trial for a few days, not committing to anything. She was extremely unhappy about it , but got through it and everything went fine, the 11yr old cleaned her room for her and wasn't annoying....
Come this week, after the trial and she's once a again furious, stating that she is not doing this and it was just a trial. She said it wasn't to bad, but she still wants no part of it.
She has an extremely black and white way of seeing things and can't see things outside of her little narrow box..
I've told her, we will make her room nicer, buy a new dresser,organize it properly, so that both of their stuff fits in well etc...
Looking for advice as to weather or not I should push the matter further and make her very upset or just let it go until one day she matures....
.

Your 11 year old cannot be on her best behavior all the time. She also needs to live and breath. I think your 14 yesr old will have to deal with it

↑ imaima ↓

Today at 12:21 am

amother OP wrote:

I was very firm with her about the trial, she was not happy with me at all. I am not a pushover generally. I'm just questioning if it's worth making her so upset about and also damaging our relationship for the short term.
She is very self absorbed and very strong about what she wants. She doesn't not back down easily with out a fight.

Why is it a trial if you literally have no more rooms? It’s a fact. You are shortchanging your other kids

amother

RosePink ↓

Today at 1:04 am

An 11yo girl cannot share with an 8yo boy.

I'm in Israel, we have boys and girls sharing a room allll the time, it's normal here, but when one of them reaches about age 9-10, if the other isn't a toddler, then they can no longer share a room.

For example 13yo girl sharing with 2yo boy - fine. 6yo girl sharing with 7yo boy - fine.
Girl-boy twins, age 8 - also fine.

But you have an 8yo boy - already a borderline age - with an 11yo girl, which is definitely past the "share with non-toddler boy" age. Nope.

Your kids can brainstorm with you for a solution acceptable to them all but the bottom line is that the 8yo boy needs his own room.

Possible solutions: 14yo gets a curtain around her bed; wall off a section of a bedroom with bookshelves and an accordion door so that it is split into two rooms (each with a window of course), someone decides to make the couch their bedroom; someone gets a loft bedroom....be creative. But an 8yo boy isn't able to share with girls his age or older anymore. And that's just the bottom line.

amother

↑ RosePink ↓

Today at 1:06 am

amother OP wrote:

The other option is keeping the 11 year old with the 8 yr old. She is more chilled and although she does want to switch rooms, she is somewhat ok with staying. ( We recently made the room nicer for her with new paint and furniture...)

I also have 2 high school bochrim, so my 8 yr old could technically go with them ( they have a big room) but it would be complicated because their alarm rings early and I do not want him waking up so early.

Oh I missed this. Maybe he should go with the older boys then.

kugelEater

Today at 4:22 am

Echoing the poster above who suggested a curtain. You can do so much with a curtain and make the room really nice and welcoming for both.

I don't think giving the 11 yo her own room and keeping the 4 yo with the 14 yo as suggested above is a good option, because then the 14 yo will go bananas about how she is older and why can't she have her own room, why does she have to share with the baby when 11 yo gets her own, its not fair etc etc. Just saying this from my own personal experience as the rigid teen lol. (I was the oldest and shared a room with my 3 sisters. When I was in 9th grade, after begging and begging, my parents agreed to let me take the guest room. Then my mother had another baby and they tried putting her in my room, and I said h*ll no and threw a huge fuss. The room really wasnt big enough anyway, and I hated not having privacy because whoever wanted to could just come into my room to get the baby... It didn't last, and I got to have my own room til I got married! So I got what I wanted because I kicked up a fuss but nobody else was happy.)

Also "appeasing" the teen will have major repercussions in the long run. She will see that she can push you over and if she throws a big enough fuss then you will give her what she wants, just so you can have peace of mind. You don't want that. YOU are the mother and what you say goes. You can listen to her concerns and try to work through what you can, but don't do anything you aren't comfortable with because she threw a fit.

ora_43

Today at 5:32 am

I think it's pretty normal that she hates the idea. Teens like privacy. At that age a 4-year-old is more like a cute little puppy or something, while an 11-year-old is close to being a peer but young enough to be annoying, and their presence is harder to deal with.

The question is whether it really has to happen this way, or if there's an alternative.

Also, if it has to be this way for now, for how long?

Eg if this is really the only reasonable solution, I'd tell her it has to happen, with an emphasis on how it's only for however long. Like - look, I know I said we would just try it, but I'm seeing that I really do need you two to share a room. I'm sorry. I know this really is hard. In another year, (older brother) will be dorming and I can move (8yo) into that room, and then hopefully you and (11yo) will be able to be in different rooms again.

Main points being, it has to happen, I'm sorry, only for (however long). I'd also throw in a bribe of some sort.

Rigid kids generally have a lot more trouble with change so it could be that once she adjusts it won't be so bad. (although again, most teens do prefer their own room (or as close as possible), so a certain level of annoyance will probably remain)

amother

↑ Eggplant

Today at 5:39 am

Even asd kids can have the law laid down and adjust. I have an asd kid too and my biggest regrets are listening to such advice and making issues larger than they have to be. So asd or hormones are not a reason to give in here. It’s fine if it’s an adjustment period. Why is everyone so terrified of difficult transitions to the point of avoiding it at all costs? You just miss an opportunity for her to build resilience and coping skills. She’s getting older and needs these skills as a wife, mother, person in the work force. You are doing her a massive disservice by helping her run and all of you turning yourselves into pretzels.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 5:50 am

Thanks for all of your insights!
The 14yr old is obsessed with the 4 year old and is happy to have her in her room. My 4 yr old is pretty mature for her age and is not annoying. She sleeps through with the light on and music playing 😄 so I dont think she'll push back on the 11 yr old getting her own room.
I'm gonna try to speak with my older boys to see if we could make that idea work....